By Robert L. Mues   |   March 21st, 2009

intv_job.jpgIn these challenging and difficult times, and with depressing news and economic turmoil seemingly everywhere, I thought it was worth re-publishing this humorous but poignant “Job Description” recently posted by fellow family-law blogger, Martha Milam, the publisher of the excellent Durham Family Law Journal. Click here to read and enjoy her blog!

POSITION:
Mother, Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Father, Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION: Long-term, team players needed, for challenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends, including frequent 24-hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel is required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses are not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES: Job responsibilities continue for the rest of your life. You must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. You must be willing to bite your tongue repeatedly. Also, you must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat – in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. You must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. You must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. You must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute and an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery-operated devices. Must always hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION: NONE. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required (unfortunately). On-the-job training is offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because one assumes that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS: No health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered. This job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

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Robert L. MuesAbout The Author: Robert L. Mues
Robert Mues is the managing partner of Dayton, Ohio, law firm, Holzfaster, Cecil, McKnight & Mues, and has received the highest rating from the Martindale-Hubbell Peer Review for Ethical Standards and Legal Ability. Mr. Mues is also a founding member of the "International Academy of Attorneys for Divorce over 50" blog.

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