One of my all time favorite family law blogs is Updates in Michigan Family Law written by Attorney Jeanne M. Hannah. I read her posts every week even though thinking about Michigan gives me a twinge of pain as a “Buckeye”.  Nonetheless, her posts are always informative and excellent! She recently posted on a topic that I felt would be of interest to our readers, especially since our law office is only a few miles from Wright-Patterson Air Force Base. With Jeanne’s kind permission, I have republished her article below.

Bookmark and share this to:

Every Sunday I look forward to reading Dayton Psychologist, Gregory Ramey’s article in his Family Wise Column in the Dayton Daily News.  A few weeks ago, he wrote a very interesting piece about “the pursuit of happiness” but not from the legal perspective as contemplated by our forefather’s in the Declaration of Independence, but from a psychological viewpoint.

“Happiness” can no doubt be elusive and its meaning can be very different to each of us.  In some fashion or form, it is an issue that many clients either considering a divorce or having gone through a divorce must confront.  Genetics and life events are no doubt factors, but according to Dr. Ramey, each of us can take steps which will have a major impact on our own “happiness”.  I think that you might be a bit surprised by both his opinion and his candid common sense suggestions!

Happy People Enjoy an Upbeat Approach to Living

I really enjoyed watching Will Smith portray a determined dad in the “Pursuit of Happyness.” Based upon the real life story of Chris Gardner, Smith’s character goes to extraordinary lengths to improve himself financially while remaining dedicated to caring for his 5-year-old son as a single dad.

The title of the movie was based upon the misspelling of a sign outside the young child’s day care center. Can we intentionally pursue happiness, or is it the result of our genetics or life’s events?

I was intrigued by the research of psychologists such as Dr. Nancy Sin and Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky who have spent years trying to answer a very simple question — can people truly influence how happy they feel?

Lyubomirsky concluded that about 50 percent of happiness is determined genetically and 10 percent by life’s events. However, that means that 40 percent of how we feel is determined by how we act.

Sin and Lyubomirksy analyzed 51 scientific studies designed to help people increase their happiness and concluded that several strategies are effective.

Replay positive experiences

Our mind is not the passive receptacle of our experiences. We tend to remember certain events while ignoring or forgetting others. The practice of actively remembering and celebrating good events makes us happier people. People do this by keeping a journal, talking about positive things with friends or celebrating even minor achievements.

A friend told me something she did in her family, and I’ve used her idea for over 20 years with my wife and children. When we sit down for dinner, we hold hands and say one good thing that happened to us that day. It is a great way to set the tone at the dinner table, while encouraging us to acknowledge that every day brings us special gifts.

Accept what cannot be changed

Happy people have that special ability to distinguish those things that they cannot control from events they can influence. They accept the former and act on the latter.

Stay connected with friends

Happiness is more likely to come from people and experiences rather than things. Happy people make it a high priority to work at relationships. They help other people, remember birthdays, write notes, share feelings and stay connected with family and friends.

Practice positive thinking

Abraham Lincoln remarked that “people are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Happy people think positive thoughts, and act as if they can make a difference. They tend to attract other people with their upbeat approach to life.

Keep track of good events

We all experience myriad emotions every day, but some people are more likely to focus on problem situations rather than positive events. Happy people pay attention and celebrate good things in their lives.

You could always go see a therapist to learn how to apply these principles in your own family, but they really aren’t very complicated, are they? They all start with a decision you can make right now — a decision to live a happier life.

To subscribe to receive Dr. Ramey’s Family Wise monthly E-newsletter, click here.

[Reprinted by permission from the March 26, 2010, edition of the Dayton Daily News, “Happy People Enjoy an Upbeat Approach to Living”, Family Wise, Gregory Ramey, PhD.]

Bookmark and share this to:

One of the most difficult things you will ever have to do as a parent is tell your children that their parents are breaking up. It is important that you shift your focus from your loss to your children’s loss. Divorce is about the dissolution of a husband-wife relationship. It marks a change in the parent-child relationship. Staying aware of this difference will help you effectively support your children. In talking with your children, stay focused on their feelings about this experience. If you focus on the spousal relationship, your own feelings may get in the way of good parenting.

Here are some tips for explaining the divorce to your children:

• If possible, both parents should be present. This illustrates to the children that you will still be able to co-parent.
• Tell them close to the time that one of the parents is planning to move out. Telling them months in advance doesn’t “prepare them.” It will only make them anxious and worried.
• Tell them calmly.
• Keep it age appropriate. Don’t give them information that is over their heads.
• Keep it short and sweet.
• Explain that divorce is between the adults and that parents do not divorce children.
• Ask for questions. Answer honestly with age-appropriate information. Don’t be afraid to say, “I don’t know the answer to that. When I do, I will tell you.” You don’t tell your children about marital issues, like your sex life or money problems. The details of divorce should also stay between the two of you.
• Explain to your children the ways the divorce will affect them directly, i.e., will you move, will they stay in the same schools, and so on.
• Remember that divorce begins for the children the day the living situation changes. On the day one parent leaves, that is the day their parents’ marriage ends.
• Allow for your children cry if they need to. It is important to let them grieve.
• Reassure them that you will not leave them, even if you are angry (which is some children’s biggest fear).
• Reassure them that you will always love them.
• Notify their teachers, scout leaders, karate instructor, and anyone else who has contact with your child, so they can be aware of and sensitive to your child’s needs.
• Be prepared for any and all reactions from, “that’s too bad, what’s for dinner?” to crying and yelling. Stay calm and be reassuring.
• Remember your children will be as healthy about this as you are. They will take their cues from you.
• Behave yourself! Keep your thoughts and feelings about your spouse to yourself. Recent research shows that it isn’t the divorce itself that damages children as much as the fighting, stonewalling, tension and icy silences between the parents.

Continue to talk with your children about the process. As it is with discussions about sex or drugs, you do not just have one conversation and feel you have done your job! This conversation is only the introduction. An ongoing dialogue and open attitude will go a long way in minimizing possible negative effects. Be there for your children through this difficult time. As uncomfortable as this may be for you, your children need your guidance and support.

Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC is a psychotherapist in Connecticut who works with families in transition. This article is adapted from her book, Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce which was awarded Honorable Mention in the self-help category by the Independent Publishers Association. Her second book Profileactics: A Guide for the Prevention of ill-Conceived Personal Ads was just published in October 2009. For more information, click here to go to her website.

Bookmark and share this to:

Jason C. Brown, the publisher of the Minnesota Divorce and Family Law Blog, recently posted a very practical article outlining some important steps to take if you are anticipating filing a divorce action. I am grateful that he has allowed me to repost it here. I concur with his wise “nuts and bolts” type suggestions. Remember the old adage, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure”.  Plus, this “ounce of prevention” might well save you thousands of dollars in attorney fees!

Once you break the news of your desire to dissolve your marriage, interesting things may start happening at your house. Critical records and valuable items of personal property may suddenly vanish. It pays to be proactive to ensure that you have all the information you will need to move forward as efficiently as possible.

The wasted time and cost associated with hunting down missing documentation can be staggering. We’ve handled cases where everything from an expensive diamond ring to boxes of business records have taken a “vacation”. We almost always find them, but not without substantial effort. In cases where they are not found, the Court will impose substantial sanctions and assume the missing evidence is favorable to you.

To help avoid the mess, we’ve assembled a list of 12 things you should gather to ensure that you have all critical information in hand before your spouse has a chance to conceal, transfer or sell items. These include obtaining:

To help avoid the mess, we’ve assembled a list of 12 things you should gather to ensure that you have all critical information in hand before your spouse has a chance to conceal, transfer or sell items. These include obtaining:

Investing some time in gathering these items will ensure that your spouse cannot take advantage of you during the divorce process. The denial of the existence of an asset is a fraud upon the Court. Once your spouse knows that we have all of the key information in hand, they are far less likely to engage in bad faith conduct and be honest in their disclosures throughout the process!

If you believe that it is prudent in your case to copy a computer’s hard drive to preserve information, be sure you have a qualified professional undertake the task. It is very easy to accidentally run the “ghost drive” backwards and, in so doing, wipe out the original hard dhard drive! Not good at all!

Bookmark and share this to:

Getting tired of all this? No one goes into a divorce adequately prepared to deal with all the changes and stresses. As active, high-functioning men and women, we want to do the best we can in the least amount of time. However, divorce is a process, not a single event, and it can be a long process. Even if the legal divorce takes only a few months, the fall-out (both emotional and financial) can continue for many years.

To prevent your divorce from becoming overwhelming, recognize that you cannot rush it. The legal system works at its own pace. It requires patience and energy. The emotional components also take their natural course. Each person heals in his/her own time. While there are things you can do to minimize the pain, the process will have to run its course.

Think of your divorce as a marathon, not a sprint. In a sprint, we gather all of our energy and push to our very limits right from the beginning of the race. We can exert that much energy for the sprint because it is short in duration. However, the body cannot sustain that exertion for long periods of time without collapsing. In contrast, the marathon runner must pace him/herself for the longer race. We train and prepare, sometimes for months, nurturing and preparing our bodies and minds with proper food, rest, and equipment. We must pace ourselves, knowing if we push too much in the first part of the race, we will lose our stamina.  When we do push, it is at times that maximize our position. We also know when it is important to coast. Every mile is not run with the same amount of exertion. It is wise to put more energy into the more challenging parts of the race.

This divorce is your marathon. Make sure you have good equipment (your attorney and therapist), and that you are in peak physical shape (enough rest, exercise, nourishing food). And as with the marathon, remember to strategize how you will use your energy. Some parts of the divorce require more energy and work, while others require very little exertion. Choose wisely how you will use your energy and resources; and at the end of the race, you will feel proud for having accomplished such a challenging, often grueling process. And you won’t have any regrets for a race well run.

In this divorce process, I am a marathon runner, running one of the most important races of my life. I will seriously consider how I want to use my energy, making sure I am as prepared as I can be. When it is over, I will be able to congratulate myself for a job well done. Running this race will empower me. It will reveal my strength and fortitude. This experience will change my life and better prepare me for other life challenges.

©2009. Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC is a licensed psychotherapist in Connecticut. Her newest book, Profileactics: A Guide for the Prevention of Ill-Conceived Personal Ads is available at bookstores everywhere, Amazon.com or at www.profileactics.com. This article is from her first book,  From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce which won an Honorable Mention Award by the Independent Publishers Association. To read more about the author and her work, please visit www.donnaferber.com.

Bookmark and share this to:

Michael Mastracci, an attorney from Baltimore, Maryland, publishes one of my favorite blogs, “Divorce Without Dishonor.” He is a huge proponent of utilizing the collaborative law model in divorce and custody matters whenever possible. He recently posted an excellent piece, with which I agree, well worth sharing. I have added a few of my own thoughts at the end.

When I was in law school one of the adjunct professors was a circuit court judge with years of experience presiding over cases involving dueling parents arguing about virtually every aspect of their children’s lives. His advice, probably the best advice in three years of law school, was to know your judge. His Honor was not speaking about knowing the judge personally (although that never hurts) but knowing what he or she is likely to do in any given situation or factual scenario. What does that mean?

People often tend to forget that judges are people, people who likely either knew the governor or knew people close to the governor in order to get appointed. Judges are not necessarily appointed because they are smart. There is no judgeship test or certification to wear the robe once appointed (that is appointed and not anointed as some may think).

There are many judges who care deeply about the divorce and child custody litigants that come before them. There are many fine judges that have earned the respect of the lawyers and the citizens that appear before them. They may have the best of intentions and have all the good qualities one may hope for and yet they may make a ruling that will haunt you and your family for years to come. Why would you let this happen?

While judges generally receive a great deal of respect you cannot forget that they are people too and we all have shortcomings and we all have faults and areas of our lives that could use some improvement. A judge goes to work just like anyone else. For a judge, deciding the custody and child access issues of your case would be just a routine part of any given day; just another day at the office. Don’t lose sight of these sorts of things when you decide to take your business to the courthouse. From this day forward, make sure you are in the business of co-parenting.

And remember, when a court order is entered, it lasts until your child reaches the age of majority unless modified by agreement or subsequent court order. Look for alternatives to litigation and do all you can to Stop Fighting Over the Kids.

In our area of Ohio, many cases are litigated in front of Magistrates, who are lawyers working for the Court and assigned the cases by the Judges.  In most all ways, Magistrates have the same duties and powers of a Judge. What Mike said about Judges is equally applicable to Magistrates.

I always tell my clients that it is generally a much smarter approach to try to settle and resolve a case first before resorting to the trial in the courtroom.  A negotiated settlement allows the parties to craft an agreement that usually isn’t perfect but is livable. A judge or magistrate may come up with a decision that is supported by the evidence but is totally unworkable. I have seen some wildly bizarre decisions over the years that seem to have come from “left field”!  Remember that the Judge’s life isn’t going to be impacted by the decision in your case. Having input and some degree of control in hammering out the terms of a divorce or custody order, usually, just plain makes sense!

Bookmark and share this to:

Karen Armstrong, a human development extension agent with North Dakota State University, posted an excellent Thanksgiving piece two years ago. Her suggestions and insights bear repeating. Plus, I liked her Thanksgiving Quiz!  She was kind enough to allow me to republish it.

The holiday season can be stressful enough on its own. Families who have changed the make up of their household because of divorce or marriage since last year have some new challenges. If this describes your family, watch your children for signs of stress this season. Often times the shopping and decorating is too much for them. Encourage your children to talk about what they are feeling and keep those lines of communication open so they can approach you when they need to.

Because of the holidays, you may feel that you and your children are supposed to be happy, but allow time to deal with the adjustments. For example, it’s normal and healthy for children to miss the other parent; acknowledge their feelings and let them know it’s okay.

Financial strains become a reality to most families during this time. Communicate with your children’s other parent about the gifts that will be purchased. Consider agreeing on a price limit for each parent. This will eliminate the temptation to “out do” the other parent and feeling the need to overcompensate.

Only in special circumstances is it recommended that children be split up at the holidays. They will already be missing the other parent, to miss a sibling will only add to the uncertainty about their new life. Evaluate this situation very carefully.

Plan ahead of time how holidays are to be spent. Make a point to schedule time with each parent during the holiday season.  For parents who feel comfortable sharing the holiday, this can be a good plan if possible. However, be cautious about the time you spend together, especially if the divorce was recent. This can be confusing to the child who is hoping for reconciliation.

If your home has changed because of marriage and you have created a blended family, there are also ways to make your holidays smoother. Choose to continue some special traditions that you had before and some that your new spouse had before your marriage. Changing the entire routine often creates an atmosphere of anger and resentment toward the stepparent. Encourage everyone to share the significance of the tradition so no one feels left out. Decide to create some new, inexpensive traditions that will be easy to carry out every year. The parent who will not be with the children at the holidays has certain responsibilities. Make plans to spend time with friends, family or volunteering. The children will feel anxious about your feelings. They will need reassurance that you will not be lonely.

If you have accepted the responsibility of parenting solo, don’t focus on the absent parent at this time. You may not have planned for the holidays to be the way they are, but you can make the most of it. Communities often have groups for single parents that provide activities during the holidays.

When the holidays are over, you may feel exhausted, let down, even depressed. It is typical to believe you feel this way because the holidays were disappointing to your family or kids. If that’s the case, think about what could be done differently in the future. Also remember that this may be your body’s way of telling you to take some time for yourself now and relax.

Turkey Quiz – How much do you really know about Turkey?

Here are some questions to review the basics of safe Thanksgiving food handling.

1. When thawing a turkey under cold water, how often should the water be changed?

a. Every 10 minutes
b. Every 30 minutes
c. Every wo hours

2. If you’d like some leftovers, about how much turkey (including bone weight) should you allow per person?

a. 0.5 pound
b. 1 to 1 1/2 pounds
c. 3 to 4 pounds

3. True or False: “Dressing” and “stuffing” are interchangeable terms that relate to the bread mixture served with turkey.

4. Leftover turkey should be removed from the carcass and refrigerated:

a. within six hours following roasting
b. within four to five hours following roasting
c. within one to two hours following roasting

5. How many turkeys are annually pardoned by the president of the United States?

a. One
b. Two
c. Three

6. How long can leftover turkey be safely stored in the refrigerator?

a. Three to four days
b. Five to six days
c. Seven to 10 days

7. True or False: Reheating a whole turkey on the carcass is not recommended.

8. Which is lowest in fat and calories?

a. Dark meat without skin
b. Dark meat with skin
c. White meat without skin

9. To what internal temperature should a whole turkey be cooked?

a. 120° F
b. 180° F
c. 220° F

10. True or False: Sometimes pop-up thermometers prematurely pop up, before a turkey has reached a safe internal temperature.

11. About how much turkey is eaten on Thanksgiving Day in the U.S.?

a. 360 million pounds
b. 490 million pounds
c. 690 million pounds

12. True or False:  A baked pumpkin pie is safe to leave out at room temperature.

Here are the answers: 1. b; 2. b; 3. True; 4. a; 5. a; 6. a; 7. True; 8. c; 9. b; 10. True; 11. c; and 12. False because of its milk and egg content it should be kept in the refrigerator.

For more information about turkey preparation, visit the National Turkey Federation Web site at www.eatturkey.com. To read Karen’s original post, which also includes a great recipe for turkey salsa soup, click here

Please click here to read an excellent comment posted to this story by Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC, a psychotherapist in Connecticut, who works with families in transition. From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’sJourney through Divorce was awarded Honorable Mention in the self-help category by the Independent Publishers Association. Her second book Profileactics: A Guide for the Prevention of Ill-Conceived Personal Ads was just published in October 2009.

Bookmark and share this to:

How do you handle it if after a divorce you and your Ex have different values or parenting styles? Do you hear “Mommy would let me” or “It is much more fun to live with Daddy”? Here is some great advice on this topic frequently raised by clients to their divorce lawyers. Dr. Greg Ramey, PhD, a child psychologist at Dayton Children’s Hospital and author of the Family Wise Column in the Dayton Daily News responded as follows:

Question:

My 7-year-old came back from a visit with his dad and asked me why he can do things there that he can’t do at home (e.g., stay up late, watch certain videos and eat certain types of food). I have an excellent relationship with my ex and I don’t want to say or do anything that will cause problems. I disagree with my ex on these issues but I don’t want to say that to my son.

Answer:

You can be honest with your son without criticizing your ex-husband. How about trying something as simple as this?”Grownups sometimes have different opinions on raising kids. Families may have different rules about bedtime, television and chores. I do things here that I think are best for you. Your dad is doing the same thing in his house. I know this might be a little confusing for you but you’ll need to learn that there are different rules in different homes. Just like different teachers may have different classroom rules, you have two parents that have different opinions about what they think is best for you.”

To read other Questions and Answers by Dr. Ramey, click here

Dr. Anthony E. Wolf is  a practicing child and adolescent psychologist in the Springfield, Massachusetts, area and the author of six parenting books, including “Get out of my life, but first could you drive me and Cheryl to the mall?: A Parent’s Guide to the New Teenager.” He is also a columnist for The Globe and Mail in Toronto, Canada. Dr.Wolf was asked a similar question. His thoughts on the subject are similar to Dr. Ramey’s:

Question:

My ex-husband uses every opportunity available to undermine my authority with our children. My decisions not to let one of them stay out late at night or to require him to stay in for the weekend because he has school projects to complete in a subject that he’s failing are actively circumvented by my ex. He tells our children that my decisions are wrong, that he would have let them stay out with friends, or that, because the kids are very bright, schoolwork isn’t as important as an active social life. When one of my sons was angry with me for insisting that he do his household chores, he walked out of the house and went to his father’s home. I feel that my relationship with my children is at stake in every conflict. My ex cheerfully acknowledges what he’s been doing and says he feels there’s no reason to change anything at all. Any advice you might have for divorced parents would be valuable!

Answer:

It’s great when divorced parents work together for what is in their child’s best interest. Obviously, that’s not always the case. What goes on in one home may directly conflict with the rules in the other. The parents may genuinely disagree as to what is best. But also they may disagree purely out of spite.The best course is to try to strike a compromise with your ex. But if time has shown that co-operation and negotiation do not work, what you are stuck with is the way it is with most divorced parents: You have a set of rules at your house, and your former spouse has a different set.It’s extremely frustrating when you genuinely believe that you are right. When you believe that what your ex is doing is definitely not in your child’s best interest and sabotages what you are doing – yet because their rules are more attractive, your ex seems to have all the leverage. “Yeah, Dad’s way more cool about stuff than Mom.” The bottom line is that you can only control that part of your child’s life when they are with you. So stick with the rules you believe in: “This is the deal when you are here with me. What goes on at your dad’s is up to him.”

To learn more about Dr. Wolf and his books, click here.

Bookmark and share this to:

One of the most interesting and well written pieces that I have read in a long time is a keynote address presented by Dr. Frank S. Williams to the National Council for Children’s Rights in Washington D.C. on October 20, 1990. Dr. Williams is a noted child psychiatrist and the Director of Family and Child Psychiatry at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles. While this presentation was almost 19 years ago, Dr. Williams’ sage advice is no less relevant now than it ever was!

During my 31-year law career, I have focused a large part of my efforts both professionally and as a member of various community organizations and non-profit Boards towards diverse child-welfare related causes. So with that stated background, I whole-heartedly encourage everyone to read Dr. Williams’ presentation in full, by clicking here.

I will attempt to capsulate some of the salient points as well as set forth the six (6) recommendations he made based on his extensive clinical experience to prevent parentectomies.

According to Dr. Williams, a ”parentectomy” is the removal, erasure, or severe diminution of a caring parent in a child’s life, following separation or divorce. A parentectomy is the most cruel infringement upon children’s rights to be carried out against human children by human adults. Parentectomies are psychologically lethal to children and parents.

The consequences for a child may be that he or she is actually abandoned by a parent who became burned out by years of court fights and battling a pervasive pattern of alienation known as parental alienation syndrome (PAS). According to Dr. Williams, that while kids hate to see battling parents, they misinterpret a parent giving up the fight as that parent not caring enough about them. “These children frequently become depressed – especially in later adolescence. At times their depression reaches suicidal proportions. In my own clinical work, as well as in school and emergency room consultation experience during the past 15 years, I have found a very high correlation between suicidality in adolescents and a divorce in their earlier years, which virtually results in one parent being erased from their lives.”

So what did Dr. Williams conclude or recommend you ask? He states that “the following recommendations on how to prevent parentectomies may, in part, appear drastic. These prevention measures, which are presented in the spirit of suggestions and based on clinical experience, include:

1. Person contemplating marriage and children should consider a proposed mate’s tendency toward relying on the role of being a parent as his or her exclusive identity. Such persons may need to rely totally on full-time control over the children for identity following divorce.
2. One should try to fall in love with and have children with a mate who has great empathy for children’s needs and feelings. A mother or father with empathy who loves his or her children will usually not subject the children to a parent removal.
3. One should not separate from one’s mate without a scheduled, structured, legal custody arrangement in advance of parting the marital relationship.
4. Once separated, a parent should never speak with and certainly should never see a mental health professional – other than a court appointed one – that he or she has not helped choose in advance; and should further avoid like the plague a friendly-sounding psychiatrist, psychologist, social worker, or counselor, who calls and says he or she wants to help the parents and children through the pain of divorce. This is especially so when that professional has already seen the children and the other parent.
5. Parents should seek and hopefully find attorneys not biased by the conviction that all children need a primary home and a primary caretaker after divorce.
6. The first moment it becomes clear that scheduled custodial time with one’s child is being consistently blocked, the parent so blocked should run (not walk) with his or her attorney to the nearest family court.”

As a teaser to encourage you to read the rest of his address, I have purposefully omitted some very candid observations about “hired-gun” child development experts, false allegations of sexual abuse, psychological “allergic” reactions to the other parent and how attempts at performing a “parentectomy” surgery create a psychological reign of terror!

Parenthetically, I must note that Dr. Williams also makes a very interesting point based upon his personal consultations with Dr. Richard A. Gardner, a renowned clinical professor of psychiatry, known for coining the term parental alienation (PAS) in 1985. Apparently, Dr. Gardner defined the term “joint custody” much more narrowly than most. When Gardner stated that “joint custody” requires a high degree of parental cooperation, he was using his particular definition of joint custody – one in which there is a free-flowing, flexible arrangement; one in which the children and the parents may frequently shift schedules, may often change the days and times the children are with each parent; and may alter parental responsibilities for the children’s school and social activities. Dr. Williams learned that Gardner believed “that when there are two highly bonded loving parents, a rigid structured schedule of even 50-50 shared residential overnights, as well as a pre-defined structure decision-making authority plan for each parent may be appropriate to best serve the children.” Unlike most people, Dr. Gardner would just not define such a 50-50, rigid structured arrangement as “joint-custody”. So when a psychologist or lawyer talks about Dr. Gardner’s conclusions about joint custody, it is worthwhile to appreciate how he defined that term.

I will be posting more in weeks to come based upon my recent personal conversations with Dr. Williams. He has many more interesting insights to share! Stay tuned…

Bookmark and share this to:

NOTE: Due to its timeless nature, this article from the Ohio Family Law Blog is being republished from May 10, 2008.

Naturally Mother’s Day is a special day for families and especially for mothers. In this day and age however, there are often multiple females who may play a key role in a child’s life. Stepmothers and grandmothers raising their grandchildren as their own are now quite the norm. These women need to be recognized on Mother’s Day.

Stepmothers are often portrayed in a negative light. It is important to look at all sides, as a step mom often has to walk the tight rope. She has to carefully navigate the road so that she is an integral part of her new child or children’s lives, while still respecting the child’s need to honor and love their own mother. Grandmothers raising grandchildren as their own child has been an increasing occurrence in our society. Across the United States, more than 6 million children are being raised in households headed by grandparents and other relatives. In my opinion they should be nominated as saints! In addition to a child’s natural mother, a stepmother or a primary care giving grandmother can play a pivotal role in a child’s life.

Kate Fogerty has written extensively about the challenges of blending families. In a piece she wrote a number of years ago, Kate offered these valuable tips for new stepparents:

• Look for the positive things about each child.
• Support the discipline practices of the biological parent.
• Avoid assuming the role of a strict disciplinarian – rather, act as a guide or friend depending on the given situation.
• Be prepared for children to express conflicting loyalties.
• Listen to children with your full attention.
• Don’t use unkind words; instead use positive communication and affirmation.
• Don’t expect too much at once; do not expect instant love.
• Don’t get discouraged. Patience is the key!

I hope that all of you Mom’s and Step Mom’s and Grandmothers have a wonderful Mother’s Day! You deserve special recognition for all that you do! Raising children is the most important work as there is on the face of the earth!

To read more of Kate Fogerty’s suggestions, click here.

Bookmark and share this to: