Over the years Gregory Ramey, Ph.D., who is a local child psychologist and vice president for outpatient services at the Children’s Medical Center of Dayton, has allowed us to republish many of his “Family Wise” articles from the Dayton Daily News.  He included an interesting question and answer in his column published in the Dayton Daily News on Sunday, August 28, 2011, that caught my attention.  Here is the question and Dr. Ramey’s answer:

Q:

My parents fight all the time.  I know they are only staying together two more years until I leave for college.  I hate being at home.  Should I tell them to get a divorce?

A:

Whether your parents stay married is their decision, not yours.  It’s inappropriate for you tell them to get a divorce, but you should discuss the impact that the family turmoil is having on you.  Don’t pick sides, offer advice or threaten them in any way.  Simply tell them how you feel living in a home with constant arguments.  Don’t forget to reassure them that you love them.

I shared Dr. Ramey’s advice with Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC, a licensed psychotherapist in Connecticut.  She, too, has kindly posted many articles on our Blog and understands the complexities of divorce and parenting issues.  Ms. Ferber agreed completely with Dr. Ramey’s answer.  She went on to add that while the children’s “input” may help the parents feel more comfortable with their decision-making process, by no means should the kids have the final word.  “I use this analogy with parents – if you are shopping for a new car, you might ask your kids for input, maybe on the color, but you don’t send them to the dealership with a blank check.  The adults are still in charge and make the important decisions.”

I thought about Ms. Ferber’s comments and inquired somewhat facetiously, “So how would getting the child’s ‘input’ occur?”  Would both parents say to the older teen, “It shouldn’t be a surprise to you that we’re fighting and not getting along.  We may be getting a divorce.  Do you think it’s a good idea for us to stay together X years until you finish high school or pursue it now?”  Without missing a beat, Donna responded, “I think kids give input without direct questioning (which would give them too much power).  Parents should not be asking for permission or even their children’s opinion.

Instead, parents need to watch for the signs that the marital discord is upsetting their children – sleep disruption, plummeting grades, decreased appetite, moodiness, isolation, clinginess, anxiety, lethargy, nightmares, etc.  Clearly, these differ based on age of the child.  It is important to remember these symptoms can be attributed to other concerns in the kids’ life.  We look for the severity, the duration and number of symptoms that are occurring simultaneously to help discern if the child is just having a bad couple of days or reacting to something bigger.”

Ms. Ferber stated that she recently read that the single biggest reason for sleep disturbance in kids is marital discord of their parents.  “A savvy parent pays attention to the non-spoken clues.  In some cases, kids will offer info – ‘I wish you didn’t fight so much’ or ‘Are you getting a divorce?’ are verbal clues that make it so much easier for a parent to decode.  If you ask the question directly, ‘Should Dad and I get divorced?’ (or some variation of that), then the child will always blame themselves for whatever decision is made.”

In her practice, Donna frequently hears stories from adults who recall their parents’ divorce. Even though they are adults now, they tell the story from their perspective as a child. One such case involved a 40-year-old unmarried teacher who blames herself for her father leaving.  One evening at dinner when she was five, she spilt her juice and he had a fit.  The next day he was gone, and she never saw him again.  She still correlates those two things.  Intellectually she can see that she had nothing to do with her father’s leaving, yet emotionally she still feels that if she hadn’t spilt her juice, he would not have left. Had her parents handled their split up in a healthier way, she would have been able to process those feelings of blame at the time. Engaging in therapy as an adult has helped her see that her childhood interpretation of these events created a false sense of guilt and over-responsibility that continued to manifest in her adult relationships with men.

I asked Ms. Ferber when it makes good sense to “ride out” the marriage for the benefit of the kids.  Her answer was that “a bad relationship, like any relationship, is not static.  Chances are a marriage will deteriorate no matter how ‘civil’ the parents try to be.  I do not believe staying together for your kids is enough of a reason.  However, it is a good reason to try to keep it together with marriage counseling, but kids have great radar and they will feel the stress and it will manifest negatively in some of the ways described above.”  “Many parents tell me that their marriage is unacceptable but they do not leave for the sake of the kids. Daily they tell their children, ‘This or that is wrong’, yet by staying in the situation they give mixed messages. The old adage is true, ‘Actions speak louder than words.’ We must ways be mindful of the role model our own actions create for our children.”

I appreciate the advice from both Dr. Ramey and Ms. Ferber regarding this common situation that I regularly see in my domestic relations practice.

Gregory Ramey, Ph.D., is a child psychologist and vice president for outpatient services at the Children’s Medical Center of Dayton.  For more of his columns, visit www.childrensdayton.org/ramey and join Dr. Ramey on Facebook at www.facebook.com/drgregramey.  The question and answer was reprinted by permission from the August 28, 2011, edition of the Dayton Daily News Family Wise Article, Gregory Ramey, Ph.D.

Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC, is a licensed psychotherapist in Connecticut.  She is the author of From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce. To learn more about Ms. Ferber, view her website and her excellent blog at www.donnaferber.com.

My wife and I have raised two (2) sons and we personally experienced the terror of a child becoming lost in a public place.  Fortunately, ours ended like most of these situations with our son being located and returned safely.  So, that being said, I want to thank Keith Kepler, the Vice President and General Manager at AlliedBarton Security Services, for sending the Ohio Family Law Blog these important tips about protecting our children from becoming lost or missing. I think that his advice is spot-on.  Please take a moment and read his practical suggestions:

A lost child is a parent’s worst nightmare.  As families plan to spend more time outdoors, on vacation and in busy public places this summer, it is important to be prepared. A survey of parents by the Center to Prevent Lost Children showed that 90 percent of families will experience losing a child in a public place at least once, and 20 percent said it has happened more than once.  The United States Department of Justice reports that more than 300,000 children become temporarily lost for at least one hour, but the good news is that a majority of those children are quickly found and not harmed.

It is important to try to prevent a child from getting lost but even more important that the child knows what to do if they do get lost.  Preparing yourself and a child can make this frightening situation become a bit easier for everyone involved.  Remember that amusement parks and vacation spots are not the only places where children can get separated from their parents.

What to do if my Child Becomes Lost at a Public Place?

• Before you go anywhere, talk to your family about what to do if someone gets lost. Discuss a designated place to go if you get lost or advise children to stay right where they are when they feel that they are lost.  Tell children to find a security officer, police officer, or an employee if you are in a public place, or remind them they can ask another mom with kids for help.
• Prepare your children so that they can identify themselves. For younger children, have their identification information in their pocket.  If they are old enough to speak and can relay the information, practice reciting your phone number with them, and let them know they can always call 911.
• For younger children, or when clothes don’t have pockets, be creative.  Make a bracelet out of numbered beads or write your phone number inside a shirt collar or on a shirt tag with a fabric marker.
• Dress children in brightly colored clothing so that they can easily be spotted.  Lemon yellow and lime green are the suggested colors because they easily attract the eye.  You might also have a piece of clothing that is only worn when the child goes out in public so you can easily remember what they are wearing.
• Use your cell phone to take a photo of your child before you leave home or when you arrive at your destination.  This will help police find a lost child because they will be aware of exactly what the child is wearing, and how they look that day.
• Positive reinforcement is the best way to prevent a child from wandering away from you when you are in a public place.  Speak with your child about stranger danger, and remind them of the importance of staying with you.

Sometimes children do get lost, and it is easy for parents and guardians to forget what to do in this scary situation.  Many public places have standard procedures of what to do when a child is missing, so make sure authorities and the venue’s management are notified that the child is lost.  Authorities will be able to help because they are familiar with the area’s surroundings, and could have the capability to lockdown buildings or issue an alert.

What to do if my Child Becomes Lost at Home?

• If you are at home, search your house first before going outside.  Be sure to look in the most common hiding and play spots first.  Check closets, laundry baskets and piles of clothes, in and under beds, in large appliances, in vehicles and other areas where the child may hide or play.
• If you still can’t find the child in the home, call 911 to notify them and let them know if you feel the child is in any danger.  Police departments would rather be aware of the situation and called back when the child is found, rather than wasting valuable minutes to find the child.  Time is crucial once a child has been separated from you.
• Stay calm.  Screaming the child’s name won’t help you locate the child any faster if they are not close by.  Plus yelling the child’s name could lure the wrong type of person to your child who may be screaming back for you.
• Make sure the phone number your child knows, preferably a cell phone, is on and is receiving a signal.  Also, be sure to have a close family member or neighbor near your home phone so that you can stay in the area where the child was last seen.

Just like any other emergency plan, it is important to review and practice your family’s strategy if a child gets lost.  Children can be better prepared to know what to do in the situation, and will feel more confident that they will be reunited with their family if they understand the family’s “lost” procedures.

About Keith Kepler: Mr. Kepler is the Vice President and General Manager at AlliedBarton Security Services which is a premier provider of highly trained security personnel to many industries including higher education, commercial real estate, healthcare, residential communities, chemical/petrochemical, government, manufacturing and distribution, financial institutions, and shopping centers.  AlliedBarton has over 50,000 employees and 100 offices located across the United States.

Summers can be a difficult time for parents separated from their children for extended periods of time.  Ann Dunnewold, Ph.D., author of Even June Cleaver Would Forget the Juice Box, gave the following tips to Parenting magazine about ways to keep in contact with children away from home during the summer:

1. Use your cell phone. Although the idea of entrusting a cellular device to your 6-year old (never mind kids younger than that) is appalling to many parents, allowing a child to have access to his or her mother or father’s voice is a simple and effective way to stay connected.  If the babysitter or another parent is with the child while you are not, simply ask them to cooperate and lend the child their phone.  A study conducted at University of Wisconsin-Madison shows that girls who talked to their mothers via phone felt calmer and happier as those whose mothers were physically available for hugs.  Hearing a parent’s voice lowers a child’s cortisol (stress hormone) and released oxytocin, a hormone associated with physical contact. 
2. Make a recording. If you know you’re going to be stuck in a closed conference all day, make a recording of yourself reading your child’s favorite story or singing his or her favorite song and have it available for the child to hear.
3. Log on to Skype. If you can’t, leave videos of yourself for your child to watch whenever he or she wants.  This is similar to the voice recording tactic.
4. Hang around. Even if you can’t stay, leave your scarf, cardigan, or something the child associates with you with him or her.  Make sure it’s an item the child has seen you wearing often.  This method isn’t effective if you simply dig out an old sweater from the closet.  The item should smell, feel, and look familiar to the child.

Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC, a Connecticut psychotherapist and frequent guest contributor to our Ohio Family Law Blog, has expanded upon Dr. Dunnewold’s excellent suggestions.  Hers are especially geared toward divorced parents and how they can help their child adjust to spending extended time away from one parent during summer vacation.

Here is Donna Ferber’s additional advice:

When dealing with parents who have had an acrimonious divorce, the cell phone is occasionally used as a weapon. For example, the parent may repeatedly call the child, disrupting activities and often upsetting the child and infuriating the other parent. The phone should be used solely to reassure the child, not as revenge to ruin your ex spouse’s time with his/her child. Also, calling your child and whining about how lonely you are and how much you miss them, or just as bad, telling them all the wonderful things they are missing, is an example of how the phone can be misused. Parents must always remember to put the child’s need first; and when you use the phone to disrupt your ex’s good time, you also ruin your child’s good time.

Some children do not like to talk on the phone and will offer monosyllabic answers. ” Uh-huh,” “Nope” are often disappointing to the parent who longs for more connection during the phone calls. Rather than feel rejected, be reassured and happy that your child is having fun. Set up agreed times to call the child with the other parent PRIOR to the vacation. One call a day is more than enough for everyone involved.

Children also can use the phone as a weapon. “I want to call mommy and tell her you are bad because you won’t let me have more ice cream!” is an example of how a child can misuse the phone to create tension and take inappropriate power. Keep to the preset schedule. Calmly remind the child they can speak to the other parent at the agreed time.

Remember when you Skype, set up time prior to the vacation, but be flexible. The vacationing parent should not be asked to cut short a fun activity to rush to the computer for a Skype date. When you do Skype, stay upbeat and keep it short. Your goal is to support the child, not make him/her homesick. And never use these conversations, either on the phone or Skype, to interrogate the child about the parent’s behavior.

Lastly, think about what our parents did to keep connected with us prior to the age of technology. Whether we went for an extended visit to friends or family or to camp, remember how postcards, greeting cards and care packages gave us something to look forward to, keep and share with others. Many adults I know saved their letters and cards from camp, creating a journal of that experience. E-mails do not offer the same personal touch.  Many camps discouraged phone calls as they were disruptive and that remains true today, so use the phone mindfully recognizing it can harm rather than help. Finally, if you do send a care package , make sure that you include enough for the child to share. While you may have issues with the adults vacationing with your child, your child has a right to share the joy of your gift as he/she chooses.

©2011. Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC is a psychotherapist in private practice in Connecticut. She is the author of From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce which won Honorable Mention by the Independent Publishers Association. For more information on her work or to read her blog, please visit www.donnaferber.com

Attorney Diana Mercer sent me these tips in her newsletter on January 19, 2011. Her points are excellent and certainly worth repeating. They really made me chuckle because they are spot on! I have also had an opportunity to read the recent book she co-authored with Kate Jane Wennechuk titled Making Divorce Work: 8 Essential Keys in Resolving Conflicts and Rebuilding your Life, available on Amazon. It is excellent! I whole-heartedly recommend it! To learn more about the book, please take a look at the video about it which I have attached at the end of the article. Thanks Diana for your attempts to bring sanity to the chaos of divorce…

Tip # 1

Organize nothing. Either bring none of your financial records or requested documents to your attorney’s office or court hearing, or bring all your financial records in a paper sack overflowing with miscellaneous papers.

Take no responsibility for any aspect of your case. Procrastinate getting documents together and ask your lawyer to handle even the simplest stuff because you don’t have time and, of course, money is no object.

Tip #2

Call your lawyer repeatedly, ideally several times a day, and ask the same question over and over and over again.  Never write down his or her response, and never follow the lawyer’s advice and instructions.  Ditto for your therapist.

Tip #3

Make sure you’re blinded by anger and surrounded by friends who agree with you completely. In fact, make sure your closest friends encourage you to get retribution by doing things like slashing your ex’s tires and throwing their possessions on the lawn.  Gossip nonstop to anyone who will listen, including strangers.

Refuse to see a therapist or reach out for help.  Continue to mine the unresolved relationship issues for tidbits that will inspire you to new levels of anxiety and revenge fantasies.

Tip #4

Hire the fanciest, sharky-est, most expensive lawyer in town even if you have few assets and mostly debts.  Be sure to call and complain and make demands every day.

Tip #5

If you owe your lawyer money, pay small sums at a time or nothing at all on your ever-growing bill.  Get into terse discussions with your lawyer about the additional work you’d like done while your over-due bill remains unpaid.  Make them chase you for their fees and threaten not to pay. You want to be sure that the entire office staff rolls their eyes when they see your file and that your lawyer gets in a bad mood every time he or she thinks about working on your case.

Refuse to pay experts like accountants and appraisers needed for your case until months into the process.  Force them to do their reports at the last minute, and be slow to get them required documents and slow to answer their questions.

Tip #6

If your relationship is deteriorating daily, be sure and continue to stay in the same house to save money.  As tensions escalate, threaten to call the police, and eventually call 911.  Flip a coin to see who gets arrested and spends the night in jail.  If you’re especially lucky, you both will.

Tip #7

Refuse to speak to your spouse except through attorneys. Don’t talk settlement until the court forces you to do so.  Say things like, “It’s the principal that matters!” particularly if you have a limited amount of money to spend on your divorce.

Refuse to think seriously about settlement proposals and just ask for everything.  Maintain that everything is equally important, from the $12 candle holders to your retirement plan.

Tip #8

Demand that your lawyer file as much legal paperwork as possible even if you don’t really understand its purpose or what it is. Keep giving your spouse a hard time and running up his or her legal bills as your top priority. Completely ignore the fact that you’re paying for this work, too.

Become paranoid and hire a private investigator to follow your spouse around even though you live in a state where fault either doesn’t matter at all or influences the settlement very little.  Never be satisfied that you know enough about your finances to make a good decision.  Just ask for more and more documentation even though you never review what was already provided.

Tip #9

Blame your spouse for everything. Maintain your martyr status by emphasizing all of the terrible things that have happened, while maintaining that you were (and are) completely innocent and oblivious. Revel in your victim status and tell anyone who will listen.

Tip #10

Go to court over even the smallest issue. File as many motions and requests for hearings as possible, and always refuse to settle anything in advance.  Spend your time milling around in the court hallway waiting for the judge to get to your case while he or she hears the 15 cases ahead of yours.  If you do decide to talk settlement while you’re waiting, be sure and nit-pick every detail, agree to an issue and then change your mind.  If you do settle in the hallway, make sure it’s last minute and written up hastily because you want to make sure that there are plenty of misunderstandings about interpretation and what your agreements meant later on so, that you can go back to court again. And again. And again.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CqKMUs5yQtg

Consistently, one of my favorite blogs is Michael Mastracci’s Divorce Without Dishonor Blog. Mike is an excellent attorney from Baltimore, Maryland. His own difficult and acrimonious divorce and child custody battle led to his personal interest in collaborative family law.  Both attorneys and clients should include his blog on their frequent read list. Mike regularly espouses ethical, moral and philosophical standards that we should aspire to meet. I have personally and professionally been a proponent of child welfare issues for over 30 years. So, when I read his recent post about “When Your Ex Opts Out – Talking to Your Children When Your Former Parent Decides to Not Parent”, I had to ask Mike if I could have his permission to republish it. He kindly agreed. Here it is:

To read more of Mike’s great articles, click here.

One of my all time favorite family law blogs is Updates in Michigan Family Law written by Attorney Jeanne M. Hannah. I read her posts every week even though thinking about Michigan gives me a twinge of pain as a “Buckeye”.  Nonetheless, her posts are always informative and excellent! She recently posted on a topic that I felt would be of interest to our readers, especially since our law office is only a few miles from Wright-Patterson Air Force Base. With Jeanne’s kind permission, I have republished her article below.

Every Sunday I look forward to reading Dayton Psychologist, Gregory Ramey’s article in his Family Wise Column in the Dayton Daily News.  A few weeks ago, he wrote a very interesting piece about “the pursuit of happiness” but not from the legal perspective as contemplated by our forefather’s in the Declaration of Independence, but from a psychological viewpoint.

“Happiness” can no doubt be elusive and its meaning can be very different to each of us.  In some fashion or form, it is an issue that many clients either considering a divorce or having gone through a divorce must confront.  Genetics and life events are no doubt factors, but according to Dr. Ramey, each of us can take steps which will have a major impact on our own “happiness”.  I think that you might be a bit surprised by both his opinion and his candid common sense suggestions!

Happy People Enjoy an Upbeat Approach to Living

I really enjoyed watching Will Smith portray a determined dad in the “Pursuit of Happyness.” Based upon the real life story of Chris Gardner, Smith’s character goes to extraordinary lengths to improve himself financially while remaining dedicated to caring for his 5-year-old son as a single dad.

The title of the movie was based upon the misspelling of a sign outside the young child’s day care center. Can we intentionally pursue happiness, or is it the result of our genetics or life’s events?

I was intrigued by the research of psychologists such as Dr. Nancy Sin and Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky who have spent years trying to answer a very simple question — can people truly influence how happy they feel?

Lyubomirsky concluded that about 50 percent of happiness is determined genetically and 10 percent by life’s events. However, that means that 40 percent of how we feel is determined by how we act.

Sin and Lyubomirksy analyzed 51 scientific studies designed to help people increase their happiness and concluded that several strategies are effective.

Replay positive experiences

Our mind is not the passive receptacle of our experiences. We tend to remember certain events while ignoring or forgetting others. The practice of actively remembering and celebrating good events makes us happier people. People do this by keeping a journal, talking about positive things with friends or celebrating even minor achievements.

A friend told me something she did in her family, and I’ve used her idea for over 20 years with my wife and children. When we sit down for dinner, we hold hands and say one good thing that happened to us that day. It is a great way to set the tone at the dinner table, while encouraging us to acknowledge that every day brings us special gifts.

Accept what cannot be changed

Happy people have that special ability to distinguish those things that they cannot control from events they can influence. They accept the former and act on the latter.

Stay connected with friends

Happiness is more likely to come from people and experiences rather than things. Happy people make it a high priority to work at relationships. They help other people, remember birthdays, write notes, share feelings and stay connected with family and friends.

Practice positive thinking

Abraham Lincoln remarked that “people are just as happy as they make up their minds to be.” Happy people think positive thoughts, and act as if they can make a difference. They tend to attract other people with their upbeat approach to life.

Keep track of good events

We all experience myriad emotions every day, but some people are more likely to focus on problem situations rather than positive events. Happy people pay attention and celebrate good things in their lives.

You could always go see a therapist to learn how to apply these principles in your own family, but they really aren’t very complicated, are they? They all start with a decision you can make right now — a decision to live a happier life.

To subscribe to receive Dr. Ramey’s Family Wise monthly E-newsletter, click here.

[Reprinted by permission from the March 26, 2010, edition of the Dayton Daily News, “Happy People Enjoy an Upbeat Approach to Living”, Family Wise, Gregory Ramey, PhD.]

One of the most difficult things you will ever have to do as a parent is tell your children that their parents are breaking up. It is important that you shift your focus from your loss to your children’s loss. Divorce is about the dissolution of a husband-wife relationship. It marks a change in the parent-child relationship. Staying aware of this difference will help you effectively support your children. In talking with your children, stay focused on their feelings about this experience. If you focus on the spousal relationship, your own feelings may get in the way of good parenting.

Here are some tips for explaining the divorce to your children:

• If possible, both parents should be present. This illustrates to the children that you will still be able to co-parent.
• Tell them close to the time that one of the parents is planning to move out. Telling them months in advance doesn’t “prepare them.” It will only make them anxious and worried.
• Tell them calmly.
• Keep it age appropriate. Don’t give them information that is over their heads.
• Keep it short and sweet.
• Explain that divorce is between the adults and that parents do not divorce children.
• Ask for questions. Answer honestly with age-appropriate information. Don’t be afraid to say, “I don’t know the answer to that. When I do, I will tell you.” You don’t tell your children about marital issues, like your sex life or money problems. The details of divorce should also stay between the two of you.
• Explain to your children the ways the divorce will affect them directly, i.e., will you move, will they stay in the same schools, and so on.
• Remember that divorce begins for the children the day the living situation changes. On the day one parent leaves, that is the day their parents’ marriage ends.
• Allow for your children cry if they need to. It is important to let them grieve.
• Reassure them that you will not leave them, even if you are angry (which is some children’s biggest fear).
• Reassure them that you will always love them.
• Notify their teachers, scout leaders, karate instructor, and anyone else who has contact with your child, so they can be aware of and sensitive to your child’s needs.
• Be prepared for any and all reactions from, “that’s too bad, what’s for dinner?” to crying and yelling. Stay calm and be reassuring.
• Remember your children will be as healthy about this as you are. They will take their cues from you.
• Behave yourself! Keep your thoughts and feelings about your spouse to yourself. Recent research shows that it isn’t the divorce itself that damages children as much as the fighting, stonewalling, tension and icy silences between the parents.

Continue to talk with your children about the process. As it is with discussions about sex or drugs, you do not just have one conversation and feel you have done your job! This conversation is only the introduction. An ongoing dialogue and open attitude will go a long way in minimizing possible negative effects. Be there for your children through this difficult time. As uncomfortable as this may be for you, your children need your guidance and support.

Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC is a psychotherapist in Connecticut who works with families in transition. This article is adapted from her book, Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce which was awarded Honorable Mention in the self-help category by the Independent Publishers Association. Her second book Profileactics: A Guide for the Prevention of ill-Conceived Personal Ads was just published in October 2009. For more information, click here to go to her website.

Jason C. Brown, the publisher of the Minnesota Divorce and Family Law Blog, recently posted a very practical article outlining some important steps to take if you are anticipating filing a divorce action. I am grateful that he has allowed me to repost it here. I concur with his wise “nuts and bolts” type suggestions. Remember the old adage, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure”.  Plus, this “ounce of prevention” might well save you thousands of dollars in attorney fees!

Once you break the news of your desire to dissolve your marriage, interesting things may start happening at your house. Critical records and valuable items of personal property may suddenly vanish. It pays to be proactive to ensure that you have all the information you will need to move forward as efficiently as possible.

The wasted time and cost associated with hunting down missing documentation can be staggering. We’ve handled cases where everything from an expensive diamond ring to boxes of business records have taken a “vacation”. We almost always find them, but not without substantial effort. In cases where they are not found, the Court will impose substantial sanctions and assume the missing evidence is favorable to you.

To help avoid the mess, we’ve assembled a list of 12 things you should gather to ensure that you have all critical information in hand before your spouse has a chance to conceal, transfer or sell items. These include obtaining:

To help avoid the mess, we’ve assembled a list of 12 things you should gather to ensure that you have all critical information in hand before your spouse has a chance to conceal, transfer or sell items. These include obtaining:

Investing some time in gathering these items will ensure that your spouse cannot take advantage of you during the divorce process. The denial of the existence of an asset is a fraud upon the Court. Once your spouse knows that we have all of the key information in hand, they are far less likely to engage in bad faith conduct and be honest in their disclosures throughout the process!

If you believe that it is prudent in your case to copy a computer’s hard drive to preserve information, be sure you have a qualified professional undertake the task. It is very easy to accidentally run the “ghost drive” backwards and, in so doing, wipe out the original hard dhard drive! Not good at all!

Getting tired of all this? No one goes into a divorce adequately prepared to deal with all the changes and stresses. As active, high-functioning men and women, we want to do the best we can in the least amount of time. However, divorce is a process, not a single event, and it can be a long process. Even if the legal divorce takes only a few months, the fall-out (both emotional and financial) can continue for many years.

To prevent your divorce from becoming overwhelming, recognize that you cannot rush it. The legal system works at its own pace. It requires patience and energy. The emotional components also take their natural course. Each person heals in his/her own time. While there are things you can do to minimize the pain, the process will have to run its course.

Think of your divorce as a marathon, not a sprint. In a sprint, we gather all of our energy and push to our very limits right from the beginning of the race. We can exert that much energy for the sprint because it is short in duration. However, the body cannot sustain that exertion for long periods of time without collapsing. In contrast, the marathon runner must pace him/herself for the longer race. We train and prepare, sometimes for months, nurturing and preparing our bodies and minds with proper food, rest, and equipment. We must pace ourselves, knowing if we push too much in the first part of the race, we will lose our stamina.  When we do push, it is at times that maximize our position. We also know when it is important to coast. Every mile is not run with the same amount of exertion. It is wise to put more energy into the more challenging parts of the race.

This divorce is your marathon. Make sure you have good equipment (your attorney and therapist), and that you are in peak physical shape (enough rest, exercise, nourishing food). And as with the marathon, remember to strategize how you will use your energy. Some parts of the divorce require more energy and work, while others require very little exertion. Choose wisely how you will use your energy and resources; and at the end of the race, you will feel proud for having accomplished such a challenging, often grueling process. And you won’t have any regrets for a race well run.

In this divorce process, I am a marathon runner, running one of the most important races of my life. I will seriously consider how I want to use my energy, making sure I am as prepared as I can be. When it is over, I will be able to congratulate myself for a job well done. Running this race will empower me. It will reveal my strength and fortitude. This experience will change my life and better prepare me for other life challenges.

©2009. Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC is a licensed psychotherapist in Connecticut. Her newest book, Profileactics: A Guide for the Prevention of Ill-Conceived Personal Ads is available at bookstores everywhere, Amazon.com or at www.profileactics.com. This article is from her first book,  From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce which won an Honorable Mention Award by the Independent Publishers Association. To read more about the author and her work, please visit www.donnaferber.com