No relationship is more maligned in our culture than that of first wives and second wives. While we make fun of mother-in-laws, many admit to having wonderful fulfilling relationships with their M-I-L. Not so with the “Ex” and the “Next”. Judged as guilty before even tried, these women are pitted against each other by circumstance. Stereotypes abound; the first wife was a “crazy nagging bitch” and the second one “a cheap slut”!

Unfortunately, these stereotypes often eclipse the potential for a positive relationship; these women are preprogrammed not to like each other by societal misconceptions. In truth, had these women met under different circumstances they might have been friends. Yes, I know there are situations when “friendship” is impossible: for example, when the second wife was once your “best friend” and slept with your then-husband or the first wife is out of control with rage and is stalking you. We have all heard many horror stories. Movies and sitcoms and, sadly, daily news reports are filled of the misdeeds of both women.  But must we assume that a healthy caring relationship between these two is not possible? How about, at the very least, mutual respect?  If there are children from the first marriage, these women are, whether they like it or not, part of the same extended family!

Back in the 80’s I remember Alexa who, with her third husband, went to Florida to look for retirement property. They stayed at the house of his first wife, Sally and her new husband.  This was easy for Alexa. She said, “Why not? She is probably the woman least likely to threaten my marriage. They tried it already and it didn’t work.” Sally remarked,   “I have nothing against Alexa. The reason we split up had nothing to do with her.” The families celebrated holidays together, which their adult children and grandchildren greatly appreciated. Without the cooperation and mutual respect of these two women, that warm family relationship and connection would not be possible.

Twenty years ago, I facilitated a discussion group for women who were first wives and second wives (not to the same men). They agreed to allow a reporter from the New York Times to sit in on our discussion. (Click here to read the article). What I learned from that lively and informative conversation was that there are three potential areas of conflict, hurt and resentment for both women. And while remarriage is more common today, these three powerful “hot buttons” are still as charged as ever.

Mothering

For the first wives it was threatening to see the second wife interact with the children. For example, Beth admitted she watched her kids’ stepmom, Lisa, like a hawk. If Lisa was too involved Beth became insecure that Lisa was “trying to be their mother” and when Lisa was cool and less involved, Beth saw her as neglectful and uncaring. For Lisa, taking care of someone else’s kids was nothing like the Brady Bunch. It was a thankless job, and she always felt under scrutiny from everyone – especially from Beth. It was hard work and she walked that fragile line between too involved (“You are not my mother”) or not involved enough (“She hates me”). Lisa frequently felt like she had all the responsibility of taking care of the kids when they were visiting their dad and none of the respect. They criticized her cooking, left their laundry everywhere and when she asked them for help, they cried to Beth that Lisa was mean. Beth would call her children’s father and he in turn would ask Beth to “go easy on the kids” who were still “adjusting”. Lisa felt judged as the quintessential wicked stepmother.

Beth needs reassurance and Lisa needs to be appreciated.

Memories

Jane, a stepmother of two adolescents, recalled a painful moment when the kids were reminiscing with their dad about a Valentine’s Day gift he bought their mother when she was his first wife. Jane felt excluded from this shared experience and personal memory. The feeling of being a “second” is everywhere- as kids recall vacations and special moments, holidays or even daily life. Family albums and in-laws add to the stress and feelings of exclusion. It hurt Jane whenever she went to her in-laws house and saw the wedding photo of her husband and his first wife on the mantle. The second wife struggles with feelings of insecurity and isolation. In truth, the children and their father share years of memories that she is not a part of. This is a constant reminder of her “second” status.

Lucy, a first wife, sobs as she talks about her ex-husband and his new wife having a child. Lucy’s only daughter always wanted a sibling and now she has it, but Lucy is not a part of that experience. Lucy’s daughter goes on in her new family with her dad creating memories and experiences that Lucy will never be part of.

While Jane feels left out of the past, Lucy feels left out of the future.

Money

Karen was filled with despair and jealousy when she heard that her ex-husband and his new wife were planning a two week vacation in Tuscany. Ralph always promised her that when he was promoted, they would take the trip she had always dreamed of. It was difficult for her to deal with Ralph finding the money to take Arianna on “her dream vacation.” She felt like Arianna was reaping the reward for all the lean financial years she had experienced.

Two years later, when Arianna and Ralph had their first child, it became apparent that the couple could not live on Ralph’s income alone. His child support and alimony to Karen made it impossible for Arianna to stop working and stay home with their child. Arianna resented the monies going to support Karen and Ralph’s children from his first marriage. Arianna was furious that she had to put her child in day care while Karen got to stay home with her children.

Karen felt that Arianna was reaping the financial reward of Ralph’s success while Arianna felt that it was Karen who was reaping the rewards!

Of course, these are only a few examples of how these issues manifest for the “Step-Wives”. When a divorce occurs in a family, some relationships are lost or changed forever. As each partner moves forward in their single life, new connections are made. Many divorced people remarry. It is important to recognize much of what feels adversarial here is based on complicated circumstances, not personalities.  The issues are defined by the relationship structure – One woman is an EX and one is the NEXT.  Because they have different roles in the family, their perspective will naturally differ as well. How they choose to deal with those different perspectives is what separates a healthy blended family unit from one that crumbles.

©2012. Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC, is a licensed psychotherapist in Connecticut. This article was reposted by permission from her August 6, 2011, blog which can be accessed by clicking here. Donna’s first book, From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce, won an Honorable Mention Award by the Independent Publishers Association. Her newest book, Profileactics: A Guide for the Prevention of Ill-Conceived Personal Ads, Baby Boomer Edition is available at bookstores everywhere, Amazon.com or at www.profileactics.com. To read more about the author and her work, please visit www.donnaferber.com

How to Avoid Manipulation by Family and Friends during the holiday season

And so it begins…The constant jockeying, bargaining, organizing, planning, and fretting that shows up every holiday season as we are bombarded with images of “creating the perfect holiday”. We struggle to meet the needs wishes and expectations (and yes, sometimes, even the demands) of everyone in our lives. Realistically, we know we can’t please everyone (so you got to please yourself…), yet we still go at that long list of “should’s” with the tenacity of a dog with a juicy bone.

Louise Hay, author of You Can Heal Your Life writes that she wishes “should” just be abolished from our language completely! Why such a vehement reaction to this one little word? Because “should,” actually takes away our personal power.  “Should” doesn’t address what we want to do, what we could do, or what we need to do. When we make a decision based on “should” we are making a decision based on guilt. We struggle between what we are programmed to believe and what our own experience tells us is healthy. An example of this is the huge holiday gift giving tradition which over years has evolved into a competition of who can buy the biggest gifts. If you are struggling financially, it makes no sense to participate in this old family ritual. Yet, guilt often propels people to act in unhealthy ways. So, you shop ‘til you drop and worry about the credit card bills in January.

Funny thing about guilt, it may be hard to define in words, but you know when you feel it. While the definition may vary from person-to-person, one aspect of guilt which seems constant is that gnawing feeling that you are doing something BAD.

Consider this: Often when we are feeling guilty, we are really being bullied. Unlike child/adolescent bullies who tend to be mean and vicious and obvious, adult bullies are master manipulators because they bully with a smile or a kind of martyr-like composure. Overtly, they appear to “just want what is best” (and may tell you so when confronted). However, adult bullies are controllers who use guilt to get what they want; and the stronger your tie with the bully the more successful the manipulation.

Holidays are a time when guilt runs amok. Suddenly all those issues which seem manageable for ten months out of the year come into play. For most people the holiday hot buttons are Finances, Food, and Family. Consider these statements, “I can’t believe you won’t chip in to buy dad that new wide-screen TV he wants! How can you be so cheap?” Here’s another, “How can you deprive us of seeing our grandkids on Christmas? How many good years do we have left?” or “Can’t you just cheat a little on your diet? It took me hours to make your favorite chocolate pumpkin pie.” These statements may remind us of Marie on “Everybody Loves Raymond” and seem humorous, but when the manipulation is coming your way, it is powerful and upsetting and not the least bit funny.

The conundrum is this, if we go with our own belief system we risk feeling “guilty”. However, if we concede our own desires to those of another, we may feel regret and disappointment in ourselves–not to mention the very real possibility of negative consequences for our compliance.

Perhaps, the larger issue to consider is how healthy are these relationships?  In healthy, flexible relationships, there is room to say “no” without retribution. The other person may be disappointed but can manage it with grace. Personal differences are respected. The child who doesn’t get his favorite toy may throw a tantrum as a way to manipulate you into giving him what he wants.  Adult manipulators don’t throw tantrums; they quietly and precisely throw guilt.  We need to be mindful not to encourage or support that behavior.  Sometimes we may want to “keep the peace” and other times the cost of our compliance is simply too high a price to pay.

This holiday season don’t “should on yourself”.

©2011. Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC, is a licensed psychotherapist in Connecticut. This article was reposted by permission from her November 12, 2011, blog article, “Holiday Guilt : The Gift That Keeps On Giving….” which can be accessed by clicking here. Donna’s first book, From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce, won an Honorable Mention Award by the Independent Publishers Association. Her newest book, Profileactics: A Guide for the Prevention of Ill-Conceived Personal Ads, Baby Boomer Edition, is available at bookstores everywhere, Amazon.com or at www.profileactics.com. To read more about the author and her work, please visit www.donnaferber.com

Over the years Gregory Ramey, Ph.D., who is a local child psychologist and vice president for outpatient services at the Children’s Medical Center of Dayton, has allowed us to republish many of his “Family Wise” articles from the Dayton Daily News.  He included an interesting question and answer in his column published in the Dayton Daily News on Sunday, August 28, 2011, that caught my attention.  Here is the question and Dr. Ramey’s answer:

Q:

My parents fight all the time.  I know they are only staying together two more years until I leave for college.  I hate being at home.  Should I tell them to get a divorce?

A:

Whether your parents stay married is their decision, not yours.  It’s inappropriate for you tell them to get a divorce, but you should discuss the impact that the family turmoil is having on you.  Don’t pick sides, offer advice or threaten them in any way.  Simply tell them how you feel living in a home with constant arguments.  Don’t forget to reassure them that you love them.

I shared Dr. Ramey’s advice with Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC, a licensed psychotherapist in Connecticut.  She, too, has kindly posted many articles on our Blog and understands the complexities of divorce and parenting issues.  Ms. Ferber agreed completely with Dr. Ramey’s answer.  She went on to add that while the children’s “input” may help the parents feel more comfortable with their decision-making process, by no means should the kids have the final word.  “I use this analogy with parents – if you are shopping for a new car, you might ask your kids for input, maybe on the color, but you don’t send them to the dealership with a blank check.  The adults are still in charge and make the important decisions.”

I thought about Ms. Ferber’s comments and inquired somewhat facetiously, “So how would getting the child’s ‘input’ occur?”  Would both parents say to the older teen, “It shouldn’t be a surprise to you that we’re fighting and not getting along.  We may be getting a divorce.  Do you think it’s a good idea for us to stay together X years until you finish high school or pursue it now?”  Without missing a beat, Donna responded, “I think kids give input without direct questioning (which would give them too much power).  Parents should not be asking for permission or even their children’s opinion.

Instead, parents need to watch for the signs that the marital discord is upsetting their children – sleep disruption, plummeting grades, decreased appetite, moodiness, isolation, clinginess, anxiety, lethargy, nightmares, etc.  Clearly, these differ based on age of the child.  It is important to remember these symptoms can be attributed to other concerns in the kids’ life.  We look for the severity, the duration and number of symptoms that are occurring simultaneously to help discern if the child is just having a bad couple of days or reacting to something bigger.”

Ms. Ferber stated that she recently read that the single biggest reason for sleep disturbance in kids is marital discord of their parents.  “A savvy parent pays attention to the non-spoken clues.  In some cases, kids will offer info – ‘I wish you didn’t fight so much’ or ‘Are you getting a divorce?’ are verbal clues that make it so much easier for a parent to decode.  If you ask the question directly, ‘Should Dad and I get divorced?’ (or some variation of that), then the child will always blame themselves for whatever decision is made.”

In her practice, Donna frequently hears stories from adults who recall their parents’ divorce. Even though they are adults now, they tell the story from their perspective as a child. One such case involved a 40-year-old unmarried teacher who blames herself for her father leaving.  One evening at dinner when she was five, she spilt her juice and he had a fit.  The next day he was gone, and she never saw him again.  She still correlates those two things.  Intellectually she can see that she had nothing to do with her father’s leaving, yet emotionally she still feels that if she hadn’t spilt her juice, he would not have left. Had her parents handled their split up in a healthier way, she would have been able to process those feelings of blame at the time. Engaging in therapy as an adult has helped her see that her childhood interpretation of these events created a false sense of guilt and over-responsibility that continued to manifest in her adult relationships with men.

I asked Ms. Ferber when it makes good sense to “ride out” the marriage for the benefit of the kids.  Her answer was that “a bad relationship, like any relationship, is not static.  Chances are a marriage will deteriorate no matter how ‘civil’ the parents try to be.  I do not believe staying together for your kids is enough of a reason.  However, it is a good reason to try to keep it together with marriage counseling, but kids have great radar and they will feel the stress and it will manifest negatively in some of the ways described above.”  “Many parents tell me that their marriage is unacceptable but they do not leave for the sake of the kids. Daily they tell their children, ‘This or that is wrong’, yet by staying in the situation they give mixed messages. The old adage is true, ‘Actions speak louder than words.’ We must ways be mindful of the role model our own actions create for our children.”

I appreciate the advice from both Dr. Ramey and Ms. Ferber regarding this common situation that I regularly see in my domestic relations practice.

Gregory Ramey, Ph.D., is a child psychologist and vice president for outpatient services at the Children’s Medical Center of Dayton.  For more of his columns, visit www.childrensdayton.org/ramey and join Dr. Ramey on Facebook at www.facebook.com/drgregramey.  The question and answer was reprinted by permission from the August 28, 2011, edition of the Dayton Daily News Family Wise Article, Gregory Ramey, Ph.D.

Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC, is a licensed psychotherapist in Connecticut.  She is the author of From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce. To learn more about Ms. Ferber, view her website and her excellent blog at www.donnaferber.com.

No one wants to get divorced. We don’t walk down the aisle thinking, “Aw, what the hell, if this doesn’t work, I can always get a divorce.” You probably thought more along the lines of, “I don’t care how many people get divorced. This is not going to happen to us!” Yet here you are. It is awful and it hurts more than you could have ever imagined.

Divorce is a process, with many issues, facets, twists, and turns. Your emotional well being, along with your financial and legal assets, will all be called into play. Where you live, how you live, how you define yourself, and what you want from life are all going to be examined, evaluated, and possibly changed. As the process unfolds, the most important thing you can do is learn to pace yourself. You will learn many new things about life, finances, the legal system, your spouse, and mostly yourself.

Right now, you may be focused on the fear and loss. But that will change. In one year you will feel better than you do now. In fact, you may feel better than you have ever felt in your life! How do we know this? Because change is always happening! Nothing is static. Life is a great pendulum, swinging back and forth, offering us moments of great joy and then deep pain and sometimes moments of peace and stability.

But, for today all you need to do is to let yourself feel whatever you are feeling and to know this: these feelings will change. By learning and accepting that the deep pain will pass can help you not act on impulse. It will diminish the possibility of your making any foolish mistakes. Everything in this process can wait one more day. This includes acting on what you feel. So, learn to sit with your feelings and observe yourself. Feeling something won’t get you into trouble. Acting on it will!

You will laugh and cry along your journey. As the process evolves, you will encounter new experiences, thoughts and new ideas. Accept even the things you don’t like as valuable as they also hold great lessons. They are all part of your growth.

With patience and pacing, you can pay attention to all that is unfolding and learn everything you need from this experience. You will emerge stronger and more confident for having gone through the experience. Imagine that pendulum attached to a large clock and as the time passes, that pendulum will swing over to the other side and there you discover joy and peace in your life! In this journey you will discover knowledge deep in your heart, that having come through this difficult time you are more resilience, wiser and more capable of dealing whatever challenges that may lie ahead.

©2011. Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC, is a licensed psychotherapist in Connecticut. Her newest book is available at bookstores everywhere, Amazon.com or at www.profileactics.com. This article is from her first book, From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce, which won an Honorable Mention Award by the Independent Publishers Association. To read more about the author and her work, please visit www.donnaferber.com

Even young children are aware that they are part of both parents. We tell them the story of our courtship, our wedding and of their birth. We show them baby pictures. “You have Daddy’s smile and you have Mommy’s eyes,” we tell them. This is one way children feel they are part of a family. It helps our children develop a sense of identity and belonging. As children grow older, we begin to identify more traits in them that remind us of ourselves. “You are artistic like your dad” or “you have your mom’s wit” are further ways we continue to build connection with our kids.

But when a marriage starts to deteriorate, parents sometimes focus only on the worst traits of their spouse and now flinch at any similarity they may see in their children. When anger and stress collide, parents find themselves comparing their children in a negative way to “you’re no good lazy cheating father” or “that crazy drunk of a mother.”

As acrimony between the parents escalates, these remarks can become sharper and more frequent. The child of divorcing parents who is told, “You remind me of your father,” when he misbehaves, hears a painful rejection of himself. The thought process goes something like this: “If you divorced Daddy, because you didn’t like him, and I am like Daddy, will you divorce me, too?” The child is suddenly confused and frightened. Once, being a part of both parents was a positive, affirming, secure and supporting. Now, suddenly, those relationships turn tenuous as they child deals with a sense of profound rejection and disapproval.

This child feels torn, and needing to feel good about himself, he may gravitate away from the verbally negative parent and staunchly defend the criticized parent. Or he may distance himself from the slandered parent, in order to gain the negative parent’s approval and attention. Either way, the child’s relationship with both parents is damaged as is his sense of self. He is denied access to freely love both parents. Furthermore, he is denied the freedom to accept himself completely. The result may be a child who is alienated from a parent, or even worse, is filled with self-doubt and self-loathing. The child is used as the ball in the tennis match getting lobbed back and forth for parental “wins.” Unfortunately, this child takes all the shots.

Be mindful of your child’s need to love both parents. Your spouse might be the worst person on the face of the planet, but it is your children’s right to find that out for themselves, based on their own experience, not yours. Talk with a friend, support group, therapist, or relative about your negative feelings. But do not share these feelings with your kids. If you continue to let them know your deep disapproval of your spouse, you can do irreparable damage to your children and your relationship with them.

As you read this, you may be saying, “I would never do that to MY child” no matter how much I dislike my child’s other parent. But take a moment to REALLY assess your own behavior. You can send huge messages of disapproval by a simple sneer or eye roll. Children are experts at reading their parents. Don’t believe for one minute that those expressions of distain or disgust, no matter how subtle they seem to you, fly under your children’s emotional radar.

©2011. Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC, is a licensed psychotherapist in Connecticut. Her newest book is available at bookstores everywhere, Amazon.com or at www.profileactics.com. This article is from her first book, From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce, which won an Honorable Mention Award by the Independent Publishers Association. To read more about the author and her work, please visit www.donnaferber.com

When we hear “abusive behavior” we often think of physical violence. Abusive behavior is not always physical. Even though there may be no visible wounds, abusive behavior can be very damaging to the individual, the relationship and the family. Consider if these abusive behaviors are present in your own relationship.

• Criticizing you, your friends, family, job, or anyone or anything important to you. 
• Blaming you for everything.
• Making fun of you in front of other people. This includes remarks about your looks, family, job, or sex.
• Demanding that you account for all your time.
• Listening in on your phone conversations.
• Reading your mail or e-mail.
• Isolating you from your friends and family.
• Yelling, throwing things, slamming the counter, slamming doors, punching walls.
• Using sarcasm.
• Ordering you about.
• Controlling or limiting your access to money.
• Discussing you behind your back.
• Demanding s/he have everything done her/his way.
• Controlling what you wear.
• Forcing you to have sex or to do sexual things you are not comfortable doing.

Some women have commented, “Well, he does some of those things, but don’t all men?” No, not all men behave this way! It is not normal to hurt the person you love. This is abuse and women aren’t always the victim. Men sometimes find themselves the target of their wife’s verbal assault.

Regardless of who is doing the abuse, the advice for abused spouse is the same. Stand up to your spouse and let him/her know that this behavior is unacceptable. You do not have to be abusive back. State calmly that it is not acceptable. Don’t threaten or yell. That only challenges the abuser to try to control even more. Underneath the bravado, abusers often feel weak and insecure. By intimidating you and making you feel bad about yourself, they make themselves feel powerful. By knocking you down emotionally (“Who would want you?”), they think they make it impossible for you to see you have other options. Seeing the behavior for what it is can help fortify you to make changes. When to talk to the abusive party, don’t try to analyze their behavior, he/she will only guffaw and act worse. Talk about yourself. Stay focused on your choices and needs.

One important word of caution: If s/he lays a hand on you – a slap, push, or punch – it is time to leave. Maybe not forever, but until s/he gets help. Without professional help, physical abuse escalates. When a spouse has crossed that line from hitting the counter to hitting you, then it is time to go. Without help, it will only get worse. Don’t think, “Oh, s/he would never do that.” Many women who lost their lives to domestic violence said the exact same thing.

You really can’t change another person. They have to want to change. What you can do is change yourself. By no longer accepting unacceptable behavior you shift the focus from your partner to yourself. Consider your options. What do you want from your life? A need to be treated with dignity, respect and love is not asking for too much! If a partner is unable to do that, then make sure you treat yourself that way. Think of it this way: While you may not be able to stop someone from throwing snowballs at you, you can certainly duck. Get out of the way and move on!

©2005/2011. Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC, is a licensed psychotherapist in Connecticut. Her newest book is available at bookstores everywhere, Amazon.com or at www.profileactics.com. This article is from her first book, From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce, which won an Honorable Mention Award by the Independent Publishers Association. To read more about the author and her work or for a direct link to Amazon, please visit www.donnaferber.com

Your decision to create life was born in the unrestrained optimism that having children would help make your existence worthwhile. Perhaps you came from a wonderful family and wanted to give to others the gifts of love, compassion and happiness. Maybe your own childhood was not pleasant, and you wanted children to help make up for an upbringing that was filled more with distress than delight.

You did all the right things. You found a spouse that was not only a great person but also someone you felt would be a superb parent. You waited until you were financially secure, and prepared yourself by reading endless articles and talking with your friends.

However, when you actually did have your first child, you came to an uneasy insight that many parents feel but are reluctant to verbalize — raising children takes more work and you get less satisfaction than you anticipated.

For some parents, there is yet another dilemma. They are not emotionally connected to their child. Perhaps you rarely hear from your son in college. Maybe you feel you have absolutely nothing in common with your 8-year-old daughter and find work more rewarding than she is.

Perhaps you are counting the days until your teen graduates and you can resume a life without tension and turmoil.

What should you do?

Acknowledge reality. You need to first acknowledge your own feelings that you are not connected with your child and perhaps even that you don’t like him or her. Talk this over with your spouse. Try to gain some understanding of how and why this happened. Accept the reality that not all parents feel a strong bond with all of their children.

In many situations, parents tell me their feelings are based upon the many problems they had raising a particular child. My mantra as a therapist, parent and person is “Scars remind us of where we have been. They do not have to dictate where we are going.”

Reach out. Once you have accepted the reality that your relationship with your child may never meet your expectations, be willing to settle for something less. Find something in common with your child and put forth the effort to stay connected. Text your son in college that you were thinking about him after you saw a movie he might have liked. Ask your youngster’s opinion about something that you think matters to him.

Never give up. Here’s the really hard part. Your efforts to connect may be met by hostility or ignoring. After a while, you may be tempted to just psychologically walk away.

Don’t ever give up on your child. Continue to reach out in different ways, and communicate love and interest.

This is one of the toughest issues confronted by parents. This may not be a problem you can ever solve, but you can make the situation much better with insight and focused attention.

Gregory Ramey, Ph.D., is a child psychologist and vice president for outpatient services at the Children’s Medical Center of Dayton. To sign up to receive Dr. Ramey’s Family Wise monthly E-newsletter, click here. For more of his columns, visit www.childrensdayton.org/ramey and join Dr. Ramey on facebook at www.facebook.com/drgregramey.

[Reprinted by permission from the March 20, 2011, edition of the Dayton Daily News, “Parents can experience disconnect from children”, Family Wise, Gregory Ramey, PhD]

This represents the third collaboration between Psychotherapist Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC, and myself. We both had remarked to the other about the important role that the therapist and attorney play in a divorce proceeding. Donna suggested that we both write about our perceptions on that subject. Instead of each of us writing about the merits of our own profession, we switched roles. I wrote about the importance of therapy during a divorce and Donna addressed considerations for picking a good divorce attorney. We hope this perspective provides the reader with additional information and insight regarding the need for professional support during this challenging and life-changing experience. Be sure to spend time exploring the excellent articles she has written. Her insights are terrific!  Donna, as in the past, the collaboration was a lot of fun!

Here is her article:

Most women take more time picking out a winter coat than a divorce attorney. You wouldn’t think to buy the first coat you try on and yet many hire the first lawyer they meet with!  Given that divorce costs are more in line with a new car than a winter coat, it is in your best interest to make sure the lawyer you pick to represent you is the one that will best serve your needs.

If you have decided to move forward with a divorce, the single most important aspect of the entire process is picking the right lawyer (this assumes you already have a therapist!). You may think that because you don’t have children or huge assets or because the decision is mutual that a good lawyer isn’t necessary, well, think again. Divorce is an emotional process that varies in intensity from couple to couple, but it is also the dissolution of a legal agreement. Without the right legal counsel you may find that you are dealing with legal and emotional entanglements for years to come.

Some women tell me that they don’t want to hire a “good” lawyer because it will only make their husbands angrier. Others say they need to hire a real tough SOB to fight because their husbands are so difficult to deal with. This attitude is problematic because these women are picking lawyers based on their spouse’s personality and not on their own needs! Ironically, so many women tell me they are tired of thinking of their spouse first-tending to HIS needs and wants and ignoring their own desire and instincts. But here they go again-doing the same thing! It is imperative  that you pick a lawyer based on your own needs and personality, because if you hire a “nice” lawyer you may find you lack adequate representation and if you pick that SOB, you may find that aggressiveness is part of the lawyer’s personality and results in your feeling intimidated and unsupported.

Unfortunately some of my clients need to spend a good deal of time in their sessions talking about how to deal with their attorneys! By choosing the wrong lawyer to represent them, they suddenly are in the predicament of feeling they have two adversaries instead of one!

Here are ten things I learned from my clients to keep in mind when picking the best attorney for you:

1. Just because your friend had a good experience with an attorney doesn’t mean they are the right one for you. Trust your gut.
2. Pick a specialist.  While they may be more expensive per hour, they have more experience and in the long run will be both cost and time effective.
3. Aggression doesn’t insure a “win.”  An overly aggressive attorney may fan the flames of conflict rather than move toward resolution.
4. Pick an attorney who understands this isn’t about “winning.”  She/He should understand divorce is about a major change in the family and that more than the “bottom line” will be affected. A good family attorney is willing, when necessary to work with your therapist. He/she is focused on the family’s post divorce situation and understands the interconnectedness of the family does not end with the dissolution of the marriage. In short, they can see the “big picture.”
5. A consultation is like a first date, what you see is probably what you get. Don’t pick someone who minimizes your concerns, is sarcastic or dismissive. Don’t ignore your own radar by dismissing his/her behavior in favor of excellent credentials.
6. Don’t use your attorney as a therapist. And don’t use your therapy time to talk about legal issues. Efficient utilization of your professionals will keep costs down, provide you with better information and effective support.
7. Don’t withhold information from your attorney because you are embarrassed. They aren’t there to judge you, but if you don’t give them the information they need, you cut down on their ability to effectively represent you. Don’t assume drinking, abuse or affairs are not relevant even if you live in a “no fault” state. Underreporting or minimizing can result in your not getting the best settlement. ALWAYS tell your attorney if there are weapons in your home.
8. Try to stick with the facts. The emotions get processed with your therapist.
9. Talk frankly about costs up front and what you will be charged for. Some women are shocked when they are billed for phone calls, e-mails, etc., as they have come to rely so strongly on their lawyer that they mistake this working relationship for friendship.
10. Finally, be clear the court is not going to reward you for pain and suffering. Settlements aren’t based on how betrayed or rejected you feel.  Keeping an objective attitude regarding the legal system can play a big part in keeping your expectations realistic.

My reciprocal article, “A Good Divorce Therapist is Critical to Your Emotional Health!”, appeared on my blog on January 30, 2011. Click here to access it.

©2011. Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC, is a licensed psychotherapist in Connecticut. Her newest book is available at bookstores everywhere, Amazon.com or at www.profileactics.com. Her first book, From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce, won an Honorable Mention Award by the Independent Publishers Association. To read more about the author and her work, please visit www.donnaferber.com.

“Wait a minute!  Did I read that right?  Marriage ‘building’ advice and links to what sounds like a marriage ‘strengthening’ organization on a Divorce Attorney’s website…what’s up with that?”  Those thoughts and questions may have run through your mind as you have explored our law firm’s blog and website, but you read correctly.  The desire to help strengthen marriages and prevent divorce, if at all possible, may be unusual in our industry, but saving marriages and strengthening families is good for society!  To that end, our website, as well as our Ohio Family Law Blog, provides people with links to pro-family organizations like Marriage Works! Ohio, an organization whose mission is helping couples strengthen their relationships.

We have teamed up with Marriage Works! Ohio since 2009 when they agreed to write monthly “Relationship Builder Tips” for our Ohio Family Law Blog. Those tips have been very well received and are an integral part of the blog. If you want to read an archive of those tips, click here. I was interested in learning more about the organization and the author of those tips. I recently had the pleasure of personally meeting Sydney Battle, the Support Services Supervisor and Men’s Mentor at Marriage Works! Ohio.

We had a terrific meeting at the Marriage Works! Ohio building located at 2201 N. Main Street in Dayton. Sydney explained that Marriage Works! Ohio focuses on helping individuals and couples enrich and strengthen, or prepare for, their relationships.  Their professional staff meets with couples to discuss issues such as communication, conflict resolution, infidelity, divorce prevention, and reconciliation.  The group specializes in providing relationship and marriage education using the Marriage/Relationship Builders, Love Thinks, and Healthy Couples curricula.

Marriage Works! Ohio strives to get its message out to the community in a variety of ways. It advertises its services on billboards, RTA busses, television, the internet, and especially through word-of-mouth referrals.  The group conducts informational meetings wherever it can, but most often at churches, YMCAs, or similar public venues.  People can then schedule couples or individual one-on-one training.  It tries to cater to the busy schedules of the people who come to the group for coaching and education.  Free child care and free meals are often offered to make classes more user friendly.

The classes are designed to be relevant, practical, and to help people permanently change behavior.  Love Thinks, for example, is a free class for couples at any stage in their relationship.  Growing a Loving, Lasting Marriage is a class that teaches techniques to resolve conflict, understand differences and sow the seeds of forgiveness.  Recently, because of the overwhelming evidence that shows the importance of a strong, male role model in the home, the organization has developed programs specifically designed to teach men how to flourish in their relationship and as part of a family unit.

Marriage Works! Ohio is not a counseling or therapy organization.  In fact, if people come to the organization needing specialized intervention involving things such as domestic violence, depression, substance abuse, or after-divorce care, they will be provided with referrals to local providers that can better meet those needs.

If you think you’re too old, too young or that your relationship is “too far gone”, Sydney pointed out that there is no “typical” couple that comes to Marriage Works! Ohio. People of every race and economic background, from their early 20s all the way up to people in their 60s, and who are dating, engaged or married, come to obtain relationship coaching.

Divorces will continue to be granted all too frequently by Courts throughout America.  While there are many unhealthy relationships and marriages that should be ended, the sad reality is that unless some major changes take place in our culture and in society, nearly half of all marriages are going to continue to fail…and as a result nearly half of all families will be torn apart. At Holzfaster, Cecil, McKnight & Mues, we are committed to probing to determine if there is a viable option to save a marriage with potential divorce clients. We believe that referring individuals to organizations such as Marriage Works! Ohio, private counselors and therapists who can help them work on saving their marriage, should generally be the first step before considering other legal options.

If you are interested in more information about Marriage Works! Ohio, click here to connect to their website.

In the midst of an intense discussion or at the end of a difficult day, we don’t always say the right things to our children. But what we say can make a big impact, good or bad.

Here’s a list of things you should never say to your kids:

“I know exactly how you feel.” This is a real turn-off for kids. You can’t be sure you really know their feelings, and it comes across as dismissive. Instead, reflect back what you think your child may be experiencing. “You seem disappointed that you didn’t make the basketball team.”

“The pilot won’t let you off this plane unless you stop crying.” I heard a frustrated dad say this to his young son on a long plane trip. The rule is simple. Never threaten what you are unable or unwilling to deliver.

“You are too young to understand.” This is one of the most condescending things that parents say to kids, particularly to preteens. Instead of denying information to kids, answer their questions in a way that is consistent with their level of understanding. This doesn’t mean that kids are entitled to always have their questions answered. For example, you have every right to keep confidential the reason for your divorce or your sexual behavior with your spouse.

Lies. Trust is one of the most important character traits you should impart to your children, and honesty is the basis of trust. This won’t always be comfortable or convenient, but your children will learn a sense of integrity. Kids may ask questions at inopportune times, or challenge you with issues that leave you uncertain about how to respond. Just give yourself a time out. “That’s a great question. Let me give it some thought and we will discuss it later tonight.”

“I hate you. I wish you had never been born, etc.” We all get angry at times and say hurtful things. This becomes an opportunity for you to teach your children how to deal with mistakes. Acknowledge you did something wrong. Apologize. Say how you will avoid similar situations in the future.

Criticism of your ex-spouse. It’s hurtful for a child to have his parent criticized, even if the concerns are valid. This can be difficult if the other parent is lazy, irresponsible or incompetent. Focus instead on your values and expectations. “There are different rules in each family. In our house, you need to complete your homework before playing video games.”

“I won’t tell your Dad.” Never keep secrets between spouses. It sends the wrong message to kids and it undermines your relationship with your partner.

Always saying “yes”. Don’t always give kids what they say they want or need. Say no a lot, and help youngsters deal with the reality that they are not the center of your world.

Gregory Ramey, Ph.D., is a child psychologist and vice president for outpatient services at the Children’s Medical Center of Dayton. To sign up to receive Dr. Ramey’s Family Wise monthly E-newsletter, click here. For more of his columns, visit www.childrensdayton.org/ramey and join Dr. Ramey on facebook at www.facebook.com/drgregramey.

[Reprinted by permission from the January 23, 2011, edition of the Dayton Daily News, “8 things you should never say to your children”, Family Wise, Gregory Ramey, PhD]