What is the one HUGE secret for making fluffy pancakes that rise like they should, as opposed to those paper thin, dense duds devoid of any texture or sponginess? And, by the way, as a long time weekend pancake slinger, this secret applies to homemade recipes (my usual choice) all the way down to the instant “just add water” mixes.

The secret? Don’t overwork the batter and DO NOT stir the lumps out of the mix. Simply add enough liquid (per whatever directions you’re following) to dissolve the dry batter and gently fold the liquid in. Within a few seconds, you’ll have enough consistency to be able to spoon or ladle a lump-filled blob of batter onto your griddle or into your pan. And then watch them slowly puff up and rise, in airy like, glorious fashion.

Not too long ago, I came to the conclusion that preparing our clients for deposition is a lot like making pancakes. We hit clients with all these pre-deposition rules like “don’t guess,” “don’t ramble,” “answer only the question you’re asked and don’t volunteer anything,” etc. I could go on and cite about 15 more “rules” we’ve all learned over the years and have bludgeoned our clients with from time to time.

But in the process of our drill sergeant/paranoid recitation of all these “rules,” we can inadvertently turn our clients into robots at their deposition. We’ve wrung all the humor and charm right out of them. They come off flat, worried, walking on eggshells for fear of making one of those dreaded “mistakes” we warned them about over and over. And, occasionally, we have the audacity to wonder why our clients’ pre-deposition charm and endearing qualities did not come through at their deposition.

Simple: we over stirred them, just like the lifeless, tasteless pancake where the batter was overworked to death in the bowl. We failed to step into their shoes and realize that, from their perspective, a deposition can be a scary process. They want to go through a 2-3 hour question and answer session with a strange (as in unknown OR odd, take your pick) lawyer about as much as their upcoming root canal or colonoscopy. At least with the latter you have some form of sedation, which may drop a deposition to third place on the list…

Look, going over deposition rules is important and should not be ignored. But we as trial lawyers also need to recognize, and appreciate, that there is a class of clients whose charm, pleasant demeanor, grace, humor–whatever those qualities may be–need to come forward and be seen by the other side. They have wonderful stories to tell, and yes, they may ramble or break a few of our precious rules to remember, but creating a “robo-client” by scaring the pants off of them is infinitely worse in my opinion.

Bottom line: every one of us comes with “lumps” in some form. By deposition time, you need to know whether your client will need a lot of “stirring,” or just a little. Counterintuitive as it may seem, both with clients and pancakes, consider leaving some of the lumps in. Remember: you can send a stack of flat pancakes back to the kitchen, but you’re stuck with a flat transcript and client impression.

Brian R. Wilson is a partner in the Canton, Ohio, law firm of Nicodemo & Wilson LLC. He is the author of three books, “How to Buy Car Insurance in Ohio to Protect Your Family,” “Your Ohio Accident … And How You Can Level the Playing Field” and “Eight Reasons Why Most Ohio Malpractice Victims Never Recover Anything.” Brian is also the publisher of “The Bull’s-Eye Blog”… This article was originally posted on his blog on December 28, 2010, and re-posted here today with Brian’s gracious permission. To go to Brian’s excellent blog, click here.

Attorney Diana Mercer sent me these tips in her newsletter on January 19, 2011. Her points are excellent and certainly worth repeating. They really made me chuckle because they are spot on! I have also had an opportunity to read the recent book she co-authored with Kate Jane Wennechuk titled Making Divorce Work: 8 Essential Keys in Resolving Conflicts and Rebuilding your Life, available on Amazon. It is excellent! I whole-heartedly recommend it! To learn more about the book, please take a look at the video about it which I have attached at the end of the article. Thanks Diana for your attempts to bring sanity to the chaos of divorce…

Tip # 1

Organize nothing. Either bring none of your financial records or requested documents to your attorney’s office or court hearing, or bring all your financial records in a paper sack overflowing with miscellaneous papers.

Take no responsibility for any aspect of your case. Procrastinate getting documents together and ask your lawyer to handle even the simplest stuff because you don’t have time and, of course, money is no object.

Tip #2

Call your lawyer repeatedly, ideally several times a day, and ask the same question over and over and over again.  Never write down his or her response, and never follow the lawyer’s advice and instructions.  Ditto for your therapist.

Tip #3

Make sure you’re blinded by anger and surrounded by friends who agree with you completely. In fact, make sure your closest friends encourage you to get retribution by doing things like slashing your ex’s tires and throwing their possessions on the lawn.  Gossip nonstop to anyone who will listen, including strangers.

Refuse to see a therapist or reach out for help.  Continue to mine the unresolved relationship issues for tidbits that will inspire you to new levels of anxiety and revenge fantasies.

Tip #4

Hire the fanciest, sharky-est, most expensive lawyer in town even if you have few assets and mostly debts.  Be sure to call and complain and make demands every day.

Tip #5

If you owe your lawyer money, pay small sums at a time or nothing at all on your ever-growing bill.  Get into terse discussions with your lawyer about the additional work you’d like done while your over-due bill remains unpaid.  Make them chase you for their fees and threaten not to pay. You want to be sure that the entire office staff rolls their eyes when they see your file and that your lawyer gets in a bad mood every time he or she thinks about working on your case.

Refuse to pay experts like accountants and appraisers needed for your case until months into the process.  Force them to do their reports at the last minute, and be slow to get them required documents and slow to answer their questions.

Tip #6

If your relationship is deteriorating daily, be sure and continue to stay in the same house to save money.  As tensions escalate, threaten to call the police, and eventually call 911.  Flip a coin to see who gets arrested and spends the night in jail.  If you’re especially lucky, you both will.

Tip #7

Refuse to speak to your spouse except through attorneys. Don’t talk settlement until the court forces you to do so.  Say things like, “It’s the principal that matters!” particularly if you have a limited amount of money to spend on your divorce.

Refuse to think seriously about settlement proposals and just ask for everything.  Maintain that everything is equally important, from the $12 candle holders to your retirement plan.

Tip #8

Demand that your lawyer file as much legal paperwork as possible even if you don’t really understand its purpose or what it is. Keep giving your spouse a hard time and running up his or her legal bills as your top priority. Completely ignore the fact that you’re paying for this work, too.

Become paranoid and hire a private investigator to follow your spouse around even though you live in a state where fault either doesn’t matter at all or influences the settlement very little.  Never be satisfied that you know enough about your finances to make a good decision.  Just ask for more and more documentation even though you never review what was already provided.

Tip #9

Blame your spouse for everything. Maintain your martyr status by emphasizing all of the terrible things that have happened, while maintaining that you were (and are) completely innocent and oblivious. Revel in your victim status and tell anyone who will listen.

Tip #10

Go to court over even the smallest issue. File as many motions and requests for hearings as possible, and always refuse to settle anything in advance.  Spend your time milling around in the court hallway waiting for the judge to get to your case while he or she hears the 15 cases ahead of yours.  If you do decide to talk settlement while you’re waiting, be sure and nit-pick every detail, agree to an issue and then change your mind.  If you do settle in the hallway, make sure it’s last minute and written up hastily because you want to make sure that there are plenty of misunderstandings about interpretation and what your agreements meant later on so, that you can go back to court again. And again. And again.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CqKMUs5yQtg

Joel Goodman of the Humor Project in Saratoga Springs, New York, says, “Humor is what lubricates life.” Humor can help you deal with all the stressors in your life. Humor cannot erase the situation, but it can take the sting out of many things, thus reducing their negative impact. In order for humor to be curative in your life, you need to find your own laugh button. Remember, divorce is one part of your life, don’t make it your whole life!

Jennie remarked recently how surprised she was that she could still feel joy taking a walk on a beautiful autumn morning, even though she felt devastated by her divorce. Nurture those feelings of joy, laughter, and wonder. Laughter is not just a luxury; it is a vital piece in the healing process. It is especially important during times of stress. It provides our body, heart, and mind with a welcome and necessary reprieve. It just doesn’t feel good, it actually IS good. Laughter changes the chemicals our body secretes-Endorphins boost feelings of well being and peace.

Creating humor from a stressful situation gives you the opportunity to experience a shift in perspective. No one is suggesting that you become a stand-up comic. In fact, no one else has to think it is funny. What is important is that you create a scenario or image that feels funny to you. If putting donkey ears and a big mustache on photos of your estranged makes you feel better, then go ahead and do it! (Of course, no one has to see it).

Tips for bringing humor into your life:

• Read the funnies, watch a television comedy, rent a funny movie.
• Keep a humor journal.
• Tell a joke or a funny story.
• Learn to laugh at yourself.
• Try to see the funny side in situations.
• Exaggerate.
• Use humor to handle anxiety or anger.
• Make up a comedy routine.
• Hang out with happy people.
• Smile even when you don’t feel like it.
• Create or adopt a theme song.

Bill Cosby said, “If you can laugh at it, you can survive it.”

Make a conscious effort to bring laughter back into your life by trying one of the above suggestions or one of your own. Do it even if it feels silly! That’s the point of it!

©2010. Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC, is a licensed psychotherapist in Connecticut. Her newest book is available at bookstores everywhere, Amazon.com or at www.profileactics.com. This article is from her first book, From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce, which won an Honorable Mention Award by the Independent Publishers Association. To read more about the author and her work, please visit www.donnaferber.com

Over the past month or so, I have come across some interesting items related to post-divorce parties, celebrations and gifts.  In my opinion, some of them are respectable, others are pretty far out there, and a few are bizarre or just sort of crass. Different strokes for different folks, I guess.  Nonetheless, I will share some with our readers.

Perhaps this idea might appeal to the very “well-healed”.  How about celebrating your divorce with a memorable party in Tuscany, Italy? You bring your friends, and the vendor will take care of the rest. “We believe in love, and divorce is the very first moment your new life starts and opens to new love and happiness. Let us throw your divorce party in Tuscany with good food, wine, music and new ideas,” they say. Imagine you and your friends jetting off for a leisurely trip to Italy.  A glass of Chianti wine will be there to welcome you. Then you will start visiting vineyards, have cooking lessons and eat amazing food. You will be able to explore nearby cities such as Florence, Siena, and San Gimignano. Top it all off by having a fantastic party, with a “solemn” celebration of your divorce, a DJ playing for you, and champagne, and food and happiness all around to kick off your new life.  For more information, click here.

Here is a website that began as a supportive lark for a friend who was experiencing the heartache of divorce and has turned into a break-up boutique. Smashingkatie.com offers everything from break-up care packages to voodoo dolls, tea and bath products, to boyfriend replacement massage kits.  It markets itself as a “Perfectly Cheeky Breakup Boutique.” They say that, “now friends no longer need to search the web for that one perfect gift to give or thought to share with a friend in need. Thanks to our Katie, Smashing Katie is the new source for cheeky, quirky and clever gifts that will help solidify friendships and un-break hearts.”

When a marriage dies, what should be done with the wedding ring? Until now, millions of wedding rings have been banished to remote corners of sock and underwear drawers. Now you can give these wedding rings the proper final resting place they deserve. Maybe what you need is a Wedding Ring Coffin? This Wedding Ring Coffin comes with an engraved brass plaque bearing a message which conveys your final thoughts about your marriage. Choose from a standard message or create your own unique personal message. According to the seller, the Wedding Ring Coffin is the “perfect way to close the lid on your dead marriage. It’s time to bury the past and move on to a new tomorrow!” Check it out here.

It seems that most items that I came across are aimed at women.  Not sure why that is.  But here are some that might appeal as a gift for a woman recently divorced:

For the sensitive woman: A mug emblazoned with the words “You’re Too Good for Him,” might be the perfect way for someone enduring a break-up to start their day. Or perhaps a bracelet that reminds them of strength in adversity. (http://www.healingbaskets.com/divorce-gifts.htm)

For the woman who could use some encouragement: An Incredible Instant Adoring Boyfriend DVD.  He does housework and he’s generous with compliments.  (http://abernook.com/prod/Instant-Adoring-Boyfriend.asp)

For the woman who is ready to be inspired:  The Stepping Stones affirmation set provides 48 cards with women’s wisdom for healing. (http://www.femailcreations.com/products/sku-8930__pc-findgift.html)

For a friend celebrated at a Girls’ Night Out: The perfect wine glass for a woman which says, “Who Needs a Man”. It is hand-painted in shades of pink and silver, the design “celebrates all that is good about single womanhood.”(http://www.wrapables.com/jsp/ProductDetail.jsp?ProductCode=A54513)

Here are a few suggestions for that guy who is reeling from his recent divorce:

For an angry guy stuck paying alimony: Pre-Written alimony checks with three sayings.  Checks are made out to:  Pay to the of Lying Selfish Wh_ _ e, Cold Heartless B_ _ _ H and Cause of All My Pain in the amount of Every Last Friggin’ Cent!  There are 24 checks in each pack.  (http://chocolatefantasies.com/divorce.htm)

For that cigar aficionado: How about buying a good box of cigars and order personalized cigar bands to commemorate the occasion?  (http://www.personalcigarbands.com/)

For the Golfer: How about a golf shirt that says, “I Used My Mulligan on My First Wife”. (http://www.cafepress.com/+i_used_my_mulligan_on_my_first_wife_golf_shirt,27822957)

Finally, more gender neutral ideas (or at least geared towards both divorced men and women): For the friend who can use a little perspective and a good laugh: A ceramic sign that reads: “It is better to have loved and lost, than to live with a psycho for the rest of your life.” Or, one that says: “If it has testicles or tires, it’s gonna give you trouble.”  (http://www.mountainemeadows.com/catalog/piece/loved_psycho/)

For the friend with a sense of humor: You could get a chocolate bar that cheers “Happy Divorce,” but that wouldn’t be nearly as memorable as the three and a half foot inflatable husband or wife.  (“All your friends will like him, won’t upset your parents, always willing to please, doesn’t watch football, never breaks wind, always faithful, and he floats.”) (http://chocolatefantasies.com/divorce.htm)

For the friend who has been through too much with an ex: This is for the person whose divorce has been more than any one person should bear.  And that person is crazy.  The EX Knife Holders, Designed By Raffaele Iannello, will provide some personal satisfaction (and a laugh) every time you walk into the kitchen.  And they come in a variety of colors to match any décor:  black, red, chrome, pink and apple green. Pretty weird! (http://www.amazon.com/5-Piece-Stainless-Steel-Knife-Unique-Holder/dp/B000IXINLC)

For a positive start on life: A health package at a gym or spa will help rejuvenate a person who suffered from a divorce or breakup, mentally, physically and spiritually. Pamper your friend by taking him/her to a gym/spa for the whole day. Or, perhaps give your friend an introductory membership.

Who wouldn’t like this: Getting away from the current situation will benefit the person greatly. You can give him/her a tour package to a place he/she had always wanted to visit. It will perhaps help him/her get through some of the grief and have some long overdue fun!

For a mainstream and traditional gift: Bring a bottle of wine as a gift with a handwritten card that says something to the effect of, “I admire the strength you have shown through this difficult time” and that’s about it.

For the readers: Perhaps a gift certificate to a book store. Or, you might order an excellent book to help your friend more successfully transition back to life after a divorce. One book that I can personally recommend was written by Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC, who is a licensed psychotherapist in Connecticut, and frequent contributor to this blog. Her book, From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce, which won an Honorable Mention Award by the Independent Publishers Association, is really terrific!  While written from a woman’s viewpoint, it helps men understand the female perspective, plus many of the “healing pages” are applicable for either gender. To learn more about Donna and her books, please visit www.donnaferber.com

But the best gift you could probably offer is your friendship and support. Once the dust has settled, encourage your friend, family member, or whoever it is, to laugh and have fun, meet new people, and enjoy some positive experiences. Be a good, patient and thoughtful friend.  Take the time to help him or her realize that life does go on even after a divorce, and that it can be rewarding even though it is not the desired path! Finding peace and happiness after a divorce takes effort, perseverance and time, but having a good friend or two in the process is PRICELESS!

In these challenging and difficult times, and with depressing news and economic turmoil seemingly everywhere, I thought it was worth re-publishing this humorous but poignant “Job Description” recently posted by fellow family-law blogger, Martha Milam, the publisher of the excellent Durham Family Law Journal. Click here to read and enjoy her blog!

POSITION:
Mother, Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Father, Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION: Long-term, team players needed, for challenging, permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends, including frequent 24-hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel is required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses are not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES: Job responsibilities continue for the rest of your life. You must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. You must be willing to bite your tongue repeatedly. Also, you must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat – in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. You must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. You must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. You must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute and an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery-operated devices. Must always hope for the best, but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION: NONE. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE: None required (unfortunately). On-the-job training is offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION: Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because one assumes that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS: No health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered. This job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.