Tips on how technology can be used as a tool for parents

Five-year-old Landon loves for his Aunt Michelle to read him bedtime stories. He snuggles in his bed with his special blanket and an extra pillow and gets all comfortable while he follows along with his favorite book. This bedtime routine occurs every few weeks, even though his aunt lives hundreds of miles away. Landon and his aunt are connected by a video conference call with a camera easily installed on any computer. He watches and listens to his aunt on a laptop computer as she reads to him.

Staying connected with family has always been extremely important to Michelle, a young professional with a busy travel schedule. When her nephew was a few years old, she purchased web cameras for family members at Christmas. Using a free video conference service (Skype.com) she began having regular contact with her nephew. He wasn’t very good at speaking on the phone, but he loved to show off his latest projects from preschool. “Technology is not a replacement for me,” said Michelle, “but it has allowed me to stay connected and be an active part of his life even though I am not physically there.”

Technology has historically been both romanticized as a deity and criticized as a demon. When the automobile became popular, there were serious concerns about pollution and safety. While we can’t imagine life without our cars, this technology comes at a high cost. There are more than 1 million car-related deaths worldwide every year and 20 to 50 million injuries. The automobile remains a major source of worldwide pollution.

Few people are willing to give up their smartphones, computers or cars, so the question becomes how to use technology to enhance our family life. Here’s what I’m learning from families in my office:

1. Power down at mealtimes. This means no television, computers or texting. This is the time to really connect with each other without the technological distractions that can be so overwhelming throughout the day.
2. No computers in kids’ bedrooms until at least high school. Please trust me on this one. The risks just aren’t worth it. Keep computers in public areas of your house, and regularly monitor their usage.
3. Limit or eliminate television viewing on school nights. You’ll be amazed at the impact this will have on your family. Kids play games, become creative, and interact with us and their siblings.
4. No social media networks until at least high school, and supervise their use. Many kids just don’t have the impulse control to adequately control this technology, and the effects on them and others can be substantial.
5. Supervise cellphone use, including texting. You need to be guided by the maturity of your child, but irresponsible behavior should result in increased supervision.
6. Learn about technology. Don’t be afraid of texting, video-conferencing, iPads, or Facebook. They are fun and great ways to stay connected with your kids.

Gregory Ramey, Ph.D., is a child psychologist and vice president for outpatient services at the Children’s Medical Center of Dayton. For more of his columns, visit www.childrensdayton.org/ramey and join Dr. Ramey on facebook at www.facebook.com/drgregramey.

[Reprinted by permission from the October 16, 2011, edition of the Dayton Daily News, “Parents should

Parenting is a challenging job. The physical, emotional, and financial demands seem endless. It feels as if we are always sacrificing what we want for the sake of our kids. Our dreams get delayed and often denied, as we usually put our kids as the highest priority in our lives.

We do this willingly, not only for the satisfaction that comes from raising children, but also from the anticipation that what we do today will echo well into the future. We are the most important influence in how our kids turn out, aren’t we? Children are the message we send to an unknown future, and it’s worth all of the work and frustration to help our children develop into moral, loving, and productive people.

Raising kids gets really tough when you have that nagging feeling that what you do may not really matter all that much. As we learn more about genetics, it appears that so much of how our kids develop is due more to chromosomes and genotype rather than our love and discipline. By the time our kids are preteens, we often feel helpless as we realize we are fighting a battle against cultural influences that we cannot win. Our kids are more influenced by peers, media, and technology rather than by their contact with us.

Don’t get despondent. Recent research by Stephan Collishaw and his colleagues published in the July, 2011, Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology has some good news for parents—we really do matter!

Collishaw’s study assessed whether parenting style had changed from 25 years ago by reviewing assessments completed by English parents and teens. He focused on two dimensions of parenting that appear critical in how kids turn out—parental control and parental involvement. The former refers to all the things we think are important about raising kids, such as setting clear rules, enforcing consequences, and monitoring activities when our kids are away from us. Parental involvement is the enjoyable part of parenting, the extent to which we are actively involved in our kids’ lives in a positive, supportive, and fun way.

Families that scored high on parental control and parental involvement were more likely to have well adjusted teens. Kids are much more likely to turn out well when parents are clear in their expectations, consistent in their consequences, monitor their children’s behaviors, and are engaged in a positive way in their lives. The other interesting result of their study was the finding that, in general, parental control and involvement have really not substantially changed over the past 20 years, at least in England.

So please continue to check your kids’ homework, put them in time-out, coach their soccer teams, take them to movies, limit their television usage, and drive them to after-school events. We matter.

Gregory Ramey, Ph.D., is a child psychologist and vice president for outpatient services at the Children’s Medical Center of Dayton. For more of his columns, visit www.childrensdayton.org/ramey and join Dr. Ramey on facebook at www.facebook.com/drgregramey.

[Reprinted by permission from the September 25, 2011, edition of the Dayton Daily News, “Do I matter as a parent?” Family Wise, Gregory Ramey, PhD]

Even young children are aware that they are part of both parents. We tell them the story of our courtship, our wedding and of their birth. We show them baby pictures. “You have Daddy’s smile and you have Mommy’s eyes,” we tell them. This is one way children feel they are part of a family. It helps our children develop a sense of identity and belonging. As children grow older, we begin to identify more traits in them that remind us of ourselves. “You are artistic like your dad” or “you have your mom’s wit” are further ways we continue to build connection with our kids.

But when a marriage starts to deteriorate, parents sometimes focus only on the worst traits of their spouse and now flinch at any similarity they may see in their children. When anger and stress collide, parents find themselves comparing their children in a negative way to “you’re no good lazy cheating father” or “that crazy drunk of a mother.”

As acrimony between the parents escalates, these remarks can become sharper and more frequent. The child of divorcing parents who is told, “You remind me of your father,” when he misbehaves, hears a painful rejection of himself. The thought process goes something like this: “If you divorced Daddy, because you didn’t like him, and I am like Daddy, will you divorce me, too?” The child is suddenly confused and frightened. Once, being a part of both parents was a positive, affirming, secure and supporting. Now, suddenly, those relationships turn tenuous as they child deals with a sense of profound rejection and disapproval.

This child feels torn, and needing to feel good about himself, he may gravitate away from the verbally negative parent and staunchly defend the criticized parent. Or he may distance himself from the slandered parent, in order to gain the negative parent’s approval and attention. Either way, the child’s relationship with both parents is damaged as is his sense of self. He is denied access to freely love both parents. Furthermore, he is denied the freedom to accept himself completely. The result may be a child who is alienated from a parent, or even worse, is filled with self-doubt and self-loathing. The child is used as the ball in the tennis match getting lobbed back and forth for parental “wins.” Unfortunately, this child takes all the shots.

Be mindful of your child’s need to love both parents. Your spouse might be the worst person on the face of the planet, but it is your children’s right to find that out for themselves, based on their own experience, not yours. Talk with a friend, support group, therapist, or relative about your negative feelings. But do not share these feelings with your kids. If you continue to let them know your deep disapproval of your spouse, you can do irreparable damage to your children and your relationship with them.

As you read this, you may be saying, “I would never do that to MY child” no matter how much I dislike my child’s other parent. But take a moment to REALLY assess your own behavior. You can send huge messages of disapproval by a simple sneer or eye roll. Children are experts at reading their parents. Don’t believe for one minute that those expressions of distain or disgust, no matter how subtle they seem to you, fly under your children’s emotional radar.

©2011. Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC, is a licensed psychotherapist in Connecticut. Her newest book is available at bookstores everywhere, Amazon.com or at www.profileactics.com. This article is from her first book, From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce, which won an Honorable Mention Award by the Independent Publishers Association. To read more about the author and her work, please visit www.donnaferber.com

Summers can be a difficult time for parents separated from their children for extended periods of time.  Ann Dunnewold, Ph.D., author of Even June Cleaver Would Forget the Juice Box, gave the following tips to Parenting magazine about ways to keep in contact with children away from home during the summer:

1. Use your cell phone. Although the idea of entrusting a cellular device to your 6-year old (never mind kids younger than that) is appalling to many parents, allowing a child to have access to his or her mother or father’s voice is a simple and effective way to stay connected.  If the babysitter or another parent is with the child while you are not, simply ask them to cooperate and lend the child their phone.  A study conducted at University of Wisconsin-Madison shows that girls who talked to their mothers via phone felt calmer and happier as those whose mothers were physically available for hugs.  Hearing a parent’s voice lowers a child’s cortisol (stress hormone) and released oxytocin, a hormone associated with physical contact. 
2. Make a recording. If you know you’re going to be stuck in a closed conference all day, make a recording of yourself reading your child’s favorite story or singing his or her favorite song and have it available for the child to hear.
3. Log on to Skype. If you can’t, leave videos of yourself for your child to watch whenever he or she wants.  This is similar to the voice recording tactic.
4. Hang around. Even if you can’t stay, leave your scarf, cardigan, or something the child associates with you with him or her.  Make sure it’s an item the child has seen you wearing often.  This method isn’t effective if you simply dig out an old sweater from the closet.  The item should smell, feel, and look familiar to the child.

Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC, a Connecticut psychotherapist and frequent guest contributor to our Ohio Family Law Blog, has expanded upon Dr. Dunnewold’s excellent suggestions.  Hers are especially geared toward divorced parents and how they can help their child adjust to spending extended time away from one parent during summer vacation.

Here is Donna Ferber’s additional advice:

When dealing with parents who have had an acrimonious divorce, the cell phone is occasionally used as a weapon. For example, the parent may repeatedly call the child, disrupting activities and often upsetting the child and infuriating the other parent. The phone should be used solely to reassure the child, not as revenge to ruin your ex spouse’s time with his/her child. Also, calling your child and whining about how lonely you are and how much you miss them, or just as bad, telling them all the wonderful things they are missing, is an example of how the phone can be misused. Parents must always remember to put the child’s need first; and when you use the phone to disrupt your ex’s good time, you also ruin your child’s good time.

Some children do not like to talk on the phone and will offer monosyllabic answers. ” Uh-huh,” “Nope” are often disappointing to the parent who longs for more connection during the phone calls. Rather than feel rejected, be reassured and happy that your child is having fun. Set up agreed times to call the child with the other parent PRIOR to the vacation. One call a day is more than enough for everyone involved.

Children also can use the phone as a weapon. “I want to call mommy and tell her you are bad because you won’t let me have more ice cream!” is an example of how a child can misuse the phone to create tension and take inappropriate power. Keep to the preset schedule. Calmly remind the child they can speak to the other parent at the agreed time.

Remember when you Skype, set up time prior to the vacation, but be flexible. The vacationing parent should not be asked to cut short a fun activity to rush to the computer for a Skype date. When you do Skype, stay upbeat and keep it short. Your goal is to support the child, not make him/her homesick. And never use these conversations, either on the phone or Skype, to interrogate the child about the parent’s behavior.

Lastly, think about what our parents did to keep connected with us prior to the age of technology. Whether we went for an extended visit to friends or family or to camp, remember how postcards, greeting cards and care packages gave us something to look forward to, keep and share with others. Many adults I know saved their letters and cards from camp, creating a journal of that experience. E-mails do not offer the same personal touch.  Many camps discouraged phone calls as they were disruptive and that remains true today, so use the phone mindfully recognizing it can harm rather than help. Finally, if you do send a care package , make sure that you include enough for the child to share. While you may have issues with the adults vacationing with your child, your child has a right to share the joy of your gift as he/she chooses.

©2011. Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC is a psychotherapist in private practice in Connecticut. She is the author of From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce which won Honorable Mention by the Independent Publishers Association. For more information on her work or to read her blog, please visit www.donnaferber.com

Your decision to create life was born in the unrestrained optimism that having children would help make your existence worthwhile. Perhaps you came from a wonderful family and wanted to give to others the gifts of love, compassion and happiness. Maybe your own childhood was not pleasant, and you wanted children to help make up for an upbringing that was filled more with distress than delight.

You did all the right things. You found a spouse that was not only a great person but also someone you felt would be a superb parent. You waited until you were financially secure, and prepared yourself by reading endless articles and talking with your friends.

However, when you actually did have your first child, you came to an uneasy insight that many parents feel but are reluctant to verbalize — raising children takes more work and you get less satisfaction than you anticipated.

For some parents, there is yet another dilemma. They are not emotionally connected to their child. Perhaps you rarely hear from your son in college. Maybe you feel you have absolutely nothing in common with your 8-year-old daughter and find work more rewarding than she is.

Perhaps you are counting the days until your teen graduates and you can resume a life without tension and turmoil.

What should you do?

Acknowledge reality. You need to first acknowledge your own feelings that you are not connected with your child and perhaps even that you don’t like him or her. Talk this over with your spouse. Try to gain some understanding of how and why this happened. Accept the reality that not all parents feel a strong bond with all of their children.

In many situations, parents tell me their feelings are based upon the many problems they had raising a particular child. My mantra as a therapist, parent and person is “Scars remind us of where we have been. They do not have to dictate where we are going.”

Reach out. Once you have accepted the reality that your relationship with your child may never meet your expectations, be willing to settle for something less. Find something in common with your child and put forth the effort to stay connected. Text your son in college that you were thinking about him after you saw a movie he might have liked. Ask your youngster’s opinion about something that you think matters to him.

Never give up. Here’s the really hard part. Your efforts to connect may be met by hostility or ignoring. After a while, you may be tempted to just psychologically walk away.

Don’t ever give up on your child. Continue to reach out in different ways, and communicate love and interest.

This is one of the toughest issues confronted by parents. This may not be a problem you can ever solve, but you can make the situation much better with insight and focused attention.

Gregory Ramey, Ph.D., is a child psychologist and vice president for outpatient services at the Children’s Medical Center of Dayton. To sign up to receive Dr. Ramey’s Family Wise monthly E-newsletter, click here. For more of his columns, visit www.childrensdayton.org/ramey and join Dr. Ramey on facebook at www.facebook.com/drgregramey.

[Reprinted by permission from the March 20, 2011, edition of the Dayton Daily News, “Parents can experience disconnect from children”, Family Wise, Gregory Ramey, PhD]

For many kids, Halloween is one of the most important holidays of the year. The child of divorce is faced with choices and concerns. Who will take me treat-or-treating? Who will get my costume and dress me? Where will I trick-or-treat?

Then, of course, there logistical problems for the divorced parents. By addressing these issues in advance, parents can reduce stress and not distract from the child’s positive experience. These include:

• In two-parent homes, often one parent gives out candy while the other parent takes the child trick-or-treating. Now there is only one parent in the home. Do you stay and give out candy or do you go with your child?
• Parents often do not specify in their divorce decree who “gets” the child on October 31. If it falls on a visitation day, some children feel disappointed that they don’t get to trick-or-treat in their own neighborhood with their friends. This is particularly true for the first Halloween, when new friends and acquaintances may not have been established in the new neighborhood.
• Halloween reminds the parents of the reality of joint custody and that you will not share some of your child’s experiences.
• In time, the child will grow comfortable with his two homes and it is likely he will enjoy the “doubles” of divorced families, such as two vacations, Christmases, and birthdays. But you may feel left out or cheated.
• Halloween is a peer driven event. Most children want to go trick or treating with their friends.
• Parents should listen clearly to what their children want to do on Halloween. This does not mean “making them choose.” It means paying attention to the child’s comfort level and enthusiasm. Then make plans in a way that can meet the child’s needs.

Some things to keep in mind:

• The child should be allowed to trick-or-treat with friends in his familiar surroundings. If extended family members want to see the child dressed up, they should come to where the child is, rather than dragging the child around and taking him/her away from his/her peers.
• It can be a positive experience if both parents can be involved with the process. One parent takes the child out and then other stays back at the house giving out candy. Unlike other scenarios, this one will not give children the false hope of the parents reuniting. Rather it says to the child, my parents can “rally” beyond their problems to do what is best for me.
• Limit candy intake. This is always important at Halloween, as kids are already pretty wired. This is especially so in a newly-separated/divorced family where there may be added stress or tension.
• Picture taking is important. The child should pose with each parent separately, again reinforcing the fact that while the parents are no longer a couple, they are both still involved with the child.
• If the choice of costume becomes an issue, let the parent who was responsible for costumes in the past make the decision/purchase this year. Next year you can begin to alternate that responsibility.

In the future, as the child becomes more comfortable in his new home and has made connections with children in that neighborhood, trick-or-treating can be alternated. There may be possibilities of trick-or-treating in both neighborhoods. Remember this is the child’s holiday. Follow his/her cues on what s/he wants. The adults have plenty of other choices to make. This one belongs to the child.

©2010. Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC, is a licensed psychotherapist in Connecticut. Her newest book is available at bookstores everywhere, Amazon.com or at www.profileactics.com. This article is from her first book, From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce, which won an Honorable Mention Award by the Independent Publishers Association. To read more about the author and her work, please visit www.donnaferber.com

Consistently, one of my favorite blogs is Michael Mastracci’s Divorce Without Dishonor Blog. Mike is an excellent attorney from Baltimore, Maryland. His own difficult and acrimonious divorce and child custody battle led to his personal interest in collaborative family law.  Both attorneys and clients should include his blog on their frequent read list. Mike regularly espouses ethical, moral and philosophical standards that we should aspire to meet. I have personally and professionally been a proponent of child welfare issues for over 30 years. So, when I read his recent post about “When Your Ex Opts Out – Talking to Your Children When Your Former Parent Decides to Not Parent”, I had to ask Mike if I could have his permission to republish it. He kindly agreed. Here it is:

To read more of Mike’s great articles, click here.

The lazy, hazy days of summer will soon be gone, only to be replaced with the frenetic days of a new school year.  Despite the grumblings from your children about returning to school, most children are actually ready to resume the routine that school brings. The beginning of the school year is exciting. Your child will be happy to see friends and to meet their teachers, but it can also be a time of uncertainty and worry. They might be concerned about how they will do this year in school, if their friends are in their classes, or if they will like their teachers.  It can be especially difficult for those students attending a brand new school, or those who are transitioning from elementary to middle school, or middle to high school.

As parents, we want to be sure to help our children get off to a smooth start to the new school year. It can especially be a challenge if you are sharing custody with a former spouse or if you are the non-custodial parent.  For those of you who operate under a shared parenting plan and split parenting time, say every other week, or every two weeks, it is important that you help your child to adjust to the new year and the new routine.  For example, when it is your turn to have your child stay with you, don’t just assume that your child will bring everything he or she will need.  Consider having duplicate supplies, clothes; and if the school is willing, extra sets of text books. It can be disorienting to the child if he or she is constantly worrying about where everything is.  Although in many cases I realize that this is not a feasible suggestion, but for the sake of your children you should try and speak with your ex-spouse and try to establish the same study routine.  If this is just something that will never happen, do speak with your child so that he or she clearly understand the rules at your house.  For example, you might expect that they will get their homework done right when they return home, but your ex-spouse may not find that of importance.  Calmly let your child know what your rules and expectations are and that their mother or father may do it differently when they are staying with them.  Tell them that is okay, but your way will work better the time that they are with you.

For those of you who have to live in a different state than your children, you face different challenges.  Fortunately, technology has made us all much better equipped to stay in touch.  Most all schools have web-sites, and teachers have their own page which will help you to get acquainted with the school and the teacher.  Many teachers, especially at the elementary level, post regular weekly newsletters telling about what is happening that week.  Many upper-level teachers post assignments and grades on line.  Email your child’s teacher and introduce yourself letting the teacher know that even though you live out of state, you would like to be an integral part of your child’s education.  Some teachers are willing to conduct phone conferences or web-cam conferences.  Earlier this year I posted an article on our blog that gives suggestions on how you can keep in touch with your child’s teacher and school.  Please click here if you would like to read the article in its entirety.

In any event, it is important for our children to know that we care about what they are doing in school.  I hope that this school year is a happy and successful one for your child!

Just as each marriage is unique, so is each divorce. Your reaction to the final legal decree will vary from that of others going through this process. Your feelings will be based on your own special circumstances and will depend upon a number of factors:

• How reconciled you are to the divorce.
• How much time has passed between the filing of the original papers and the final day.
• How much acrimony still exists with your spouse.
• How much rebuilding of your own life you have already done.

Divorce Day can bring about a myriad of feelings, ranging from extreme sadness to exuberant joy to calm indifference. By knowing yourself and your own feelings about your situation, you can predict, to some degree, how you will feel.

Here are some tips for preparing for your day in court:

• Make a trial run the day before so you know how to get there and where to park. This can help with any anxiety you may have about getting lost or finding parking.
• Ask your lawyer to explain exactly what will happen on the final day. Will your lawyer be there? Will you have to testify? Will your spouse? Ask any questions you may have. Don’t worry if you sound silly. You are not supposed to know all the answers. That’s why you hired a lawyer in the first place!
• Bring someone – a close friend, a sibling, a parent – someone who is supportive and knows the situation. (But do not bring your children-even your adult children!)
• Make sure you eat a good breakfast that day. You don’t want to pass out in court! Bring gum or life savers. Our mouth tends to get dry when we are anxious. Also bring a book, knitting, or crossword puzzle, or something else to occupy your brain. You may have to wait a while and having something to distract you can help lessen your anxiety and help the time pass quicker.
• Wear something you don’t particularly like. This is especially true for women who often report they are surprised to discover they never again want to wear the outfit they wore to court. They think of it as their “divorce outfit” and simply want to throw it out.
• Plan something for after court such as going to lunch with some friends. You can always cancel it if you feel like being alone, but it offers a “cushion” or “safety net.”
• Plan something social for your first weekend as a single person.
• Plan a divorce ritual. Anything goes, but do something! This isn’t necessarily a celebration (although it can be!) but rather a way to mark a significant event in your life.A word about your kids – They need not be aware of the actual day of the divorce. It will only fill them with anxiety and trepidation. For children, the divorce begins the day one parent moves out. The rest of the stuff is legal, grown-up stuff. Let your children have an ordinary day and go about their plans as scheduled.

  Finally, prepare for your day in court with courage and dignity. A positive attitude will make this experience easier and help you stay focused on the process as it unfolds.

  
  ©2010. Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC, is a licensed psychotherapist in Connecticut. Her newest book is available at bookstores everywhere, Amazon.com or at www.profileactics.com. This article is from her first book, From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce, which won an Honorable Mention Award by the Independent Publishers Association. To read more about the author and her work, please visit www.donnaferber.com

As an adult who weathered through a divorce proceeding within the past thirteen (13) years, I was the product of an “intact family” having parents who were married for more than 54 years.  Like most young women, I was “socialized” into thinking that I would grow up, meet Prince Charming, fall in love, get married, and “live happily ever after”!  Unfortunately, that dream of many young women has become more of a myth than a “true-to-life” fairy tale as our divorce rate approaches or exceeds 50% for first time marriages.  Nevertheless, I was hopeful that my two children would not be negatively affected by their parents’ divorce as they were not toddlers anymore.  When my divorce actually took place, both children had graduated from college and were living independently.

When my son advised us that he was going to become engaged, we were thrilled for him.  They seemed to be so happy and so in love with one another.  Their wedding was like a “fairy tale” wedding with a beautiful bride, a handsome groom, and a great wedding party of supportive friends and relatives.  Three children and 16 years later, the glow of the first few years has faded, the love and attention that a marriage must have to be sustained had disappeared, and the parties were facing a “broken marriage”.

I was not totally shocked by the news as I had seen warning signs for several years.  I had urged counseling for both of them; I had called Wife’s parents and urged them to provide some help/aid in getting Wife some needed assistance.  I might have been talking to a “brick wall” or some other inanimate object.  Nothing was done to salvage the marriage.  As I have learned throughout the years, the old adage of, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink,” is so very true!

My advice or suggestions to parents confronted with the failing marriage and divorce of their adult children is as follows:

1. Urge and encourage; and, if necessary, assist them in finding independent legal representation.  I should no more try to represent my own son in his divorce proceeding than a physician should try to treat an ailing family member.  We are simply too close to the situation to be objective!
2. Be a good listener and be supportive of your  son or daughter, but realize and recognize that there are two sides to every broken marriage.
3. Maintain your relationships with your grandchildren, if any, and keep enforcing the fact that both parents love them and that both parents will be there for them and that you will continue to be a major factor in their lives.
4. Maintain contact with your son or daughter and your grandchildren by letter/cards, telephone, email, texting (if you do texting!).
5. If you notice signs or symptoms of depression in your adult son or daughter, urge them to obtain mental health counseling.  Warning signs include: tearfulness and crying, feeling “blue, melancholy, sad”, inability to make decisions, difficulty with sleeping, eating too much or not wanting to eat at all, becoming involved with drinking or the use of medications or drugs to ease the “unrest and discomfort”!  We must all realize and recognize that “divorces” and “dissolutions” do happen and they are likely to continue to happen.  They must be accepted and dealt with maturity, love, and understanding.
6. Other authors on this subject encourage parents to maintain relationships with the former daughter-in-law or son-in-law.  I think this decision has to be made on a case-by-case basis based upon depth of the relationship during the marriage of the children.  While I maintained a close relationship with my former mother-in-law from the time of my divorce until the time of her death, ours was a “special” relationship of over thirty (30) plus years.  We had always maintained love and respect for one another as individual human beings.

Being a parent does not end when our children reach adulthood.  It is an ongoing process, for better or worse!  Being supportive, yet firm, when having to deal with issues that our adult children are grappling with is a continuance of our unconditional love and desire for them to live the happy life we have envisioned for them.