Just as each marriage is unique, so is each divorce. Your reaction to the final legal decree will vary from that of others going through this process. Your feelings will be based on your own special circumstances and will depend upon a number of factors:

• How reconciled you are to the divorce.
• How much time has passed between the filing of the original papers and the final day.
• How much acrimony still exists with your spouse.
• How much rebuilding of your own life you have already done.

Divorce Day can bring about a myriad of feelings, ranging from extreme sadness to exuberant joy to calm indifference. By knowing yourself and your own feelings about your situation, you can predict, to some degree, how you will feel.

Here are some tips for preparing for your day in court:

• Make a trial run the day before so you know how to get there and where to park. This can help with any anxiety you may have about getting lost or finding parking.
• Ask your lawyer to explain exactly what will happen on the final day. Will your lawyer be there? Will you have to testify? Will your spouse? Ask any questions you may have. Don’t worry if you sound silly. You are not supposed to know all the answers. That’s why you hired a lawyer in the first place!
• Bring someone – a close friend, a sibling, a parent – someone who is supportive and knows the situation. (But do not bring your children-even your adult children!)
• Make sure you eat a good breakfast that day. You don’t want to pass out in court! Bring gum or life savers. Our mouth tends to get dry when we are anxious. Also bring a book, knitting, or crossword puzzle, or something else to occupy your brain. You may have to wait a while and having something to distract you can help lessen your anxiety and help the time pass quicker.
• Wear something you don’t particularly like. This is especially true for women who often report they are surprised to discover they never again want to wear the outfit they wore to court. They think of it as their “divorce outfit” and simply want to throw it out.
• Plan something for after court such as going to lunch with some friends. You can always cancel it if you feel like being alone, but it offers a “cushion” or “safety net.”
• Plan something social for your first weekend as a single person.
• Plan a divorce ritual. Anything goes, but do something! This isn’t necessarily a celebration (although it can be!) but rather a way to mark a significant event in your life.A word about your kids – They need not be aware of the actual day of the divorce. It will only fill them with anxiety and trepidation. For children, the divorce begins the day one parent moves out. The rest of the stuff is legal, grown-up stuff. Let your children have an ordinary day and go about their plans as scheduled.

  Finally, prepare for your day in court with courage and dignity. A positive attitude will make this experience easier and help you stay focused on the process as it unfolds.

  
  ©2010. Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC, is a licensed psychotherapist in Connecticut. Her newest book is available at bookstores everywhere, Amazon.com or at www.profileactics.com. This article is from her first book, From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce, which won an Honorable Mention Award by the Independent Publishers Association. To read more about the author and her work, please visit www.donnaferber.com

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As an adult who weathered through a divorce proceeding within the past thirteen (13) years, I was the product of an “intact family” having parents who were married for more than 54 years.  Like most young women, I was “socialized” into thinking that I would grow up, meet Prince Charming, fall in love, get married, and “live happily ever after”!  Unfortunately, that dream of many young women has become more of a myth than a “true-to-life” fairy tale as our divorce rate approaches or exceeds 50% for first time marriages.  Nevertheless, I was hopeful that my two children would not be negatively affected by their parents’ divorce as they were not toddlers anymore.  When my divorce actually took place, both children had graduated from college and were living independently.

When my son advised us that he was going to become engaged, we were thrilled for him.  They seemed to be so happy and so in love with one another.  Their wedding was like a “fairy tale” wedding with a beautiful bride, a handsome groom, and a great wedding party of supportive friends and relatives.  Three children and 16 years later, the glow of the first few years has faded, the love and attention that a marriage must have to be sustained had disappeared, and the parties were facing a “broken marriage”.

I was not totally shocked by the news as I had seen warning signs for several years.  I had urged counseling for both of them; I had called Wife’s parents and urged them to provide some help/aid in getting Wife some needed assistance.  I might have been talking to a “brick wall” or some other inanimate object.  Nothing was done to salvage the marriage.  As I have learned throughout the years, the old adage of, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink,” is so very true!

My advice or suggestions to parents confronted with the failing marriage and divorce of their adult children is as follows:

1. Urge and encourage; and, if necessary, assist them in finding independent legal representation.  I should no more try to represent my own son in his divorce proceeding than a physician should try to treat an ailing family member.  We are simply too close to the situation to be objective!
2. Be a good listener and be supportive of your  son or daughter, but realize and recognize that there are two sides to every broken marriage.
3. Maintain your relationships with your grandchildren, if any, and keep enforcing the fact that both parents love them and that both parents will be there for them and that you will continue to be a major factor in their lives.
4. Maintain contact with your son or daughter and your grandchildren by letter/cards, telephone, email, texting (if you do texting!).
5. If you notice signs or symptoms of depression in your adult son or daughter, urge them to obtain mental health counseling.  Warning signs include: tearfulness and crying, feeling “blue, melancholy, sad”, inability to make decisions, difficulty with sleeping, eating too much or not wanting to eat at all, becoming involved with drinking or the use of medications or drugs to ease the “unrest and discomfort”!  We must all realize and recognize that “divorces” and “dissolutions” do happen and they are likely to continue to happen.  They must be accepted and dealt with maturity, love, and understanding.
6. Other authors on this subject encourage parents to maintain relationships with the former daughter-in-law or son-in-law.  I think this decision has to be made on a case-by-case basis based upon depth of the relationship during the marriage of the children.  While I maintained a close relationship with my former mother-in-law from the time of my divorce until the time of her death, ours was a “special” relationship of over thirty (30) plus years.  We had always maintained love and respect for one another as individual human beings.

Being a parent does not end when our children reach adulthood.  It is an ongoing process, for better or worse!  Being supportive, yet firm, when having to deal with issues that our adult children are grappling with is a continuance of our unconditional love and desire for them to live the happy life we have envisioned for them.

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It’s a misconception that when parents divorce it doesn’t affect adult children. It is important to remember that our children may be adults (and even may have experienced divorce themselves), but they are still children of both parents. In going through divorce, many parents “lean” on their children, making them into confidantes and, sometimes, surrogate spouses. Children, even adult children, are uncomfortable with details of their parents’ personal life. Confiding to a child about a parent’s indiscretions puts the child in a no-win situation. Many of the adult children I have spoken with say that they are shocked and angry by their parents’ behavior. But as the child, they continue to want the relationship. Giving adult children inappropriate information puts them in a quandary – how to have a relationship with a parent who may have behaved terribly in marriage without feeling disloyal to the other parent? Children are entitled to have a relationship with each parent that is not based on that parent’s performance as a spouse.

Adult children are also affected by divorce in practical ways. Dividing visiting time between the two parents, possibly even grandparents, is a huge problem. The pressure of being “fair and equal” becomes enormous. Furthermore, as their parents’ age, children often find themselves in the role of caregiver. If parents are divorced, this role can fall to them twice. Juggling their own lives and their children’s lives is difficult when a parent or both parents become ill. Some adult children feel resentful, especially when a marriage has been bad for a long time. They may wish that the divorce had taken place earlier, so as to have been spared the fighting and bickering. Many adult children feel the divorce will only be a liability to them now at this stage of their lives.

Then there is the issue of remarriage. Many adult children, who have adjusted to one or both parent’s having a new significant other, wince at the idea of their parents remarrying at this stage of life. Issues of inheritance and jealousy with regard to step-siblings and their grandchildren are difficult issues for adult children. The best way to help our adult children is to pay attention to our conduct during the divorce and remember to be aware of their issues and feelings. They may be adults, but they still need us to act like parents.

Think carefully about how much you tell the children about your marital woes. Be mindful that when you are talking about your spouse, you are also talking about your child’s parent. Keep details that may hurt your adult children private and find other outlets for support such as a therapist, your friends, or a support group. Remember, once the information is shared it cannot be rescinded.

©2010. Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC, is a licensed psychotherapist in Connecticut. Her newest book is available at bookstores everywhere, Amazon.com or at www.profileactics.com. This article is from her first book, From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce, which won an Honorable Mention Award by the Independent Publishers Association. To read more about the author and her work, please visit www.donnaferber.com.

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Through the divorce process, children deal with many changes. One of the most significant adjustments children have to make is living in two homes. Even if a child visits one parent for a few hours a week, the child should feel at home there. This helps foster connection with the non-custodial parent and helps the child to recognize that the non-custodial parent didn’t “divorce” him/her. Issues of abandonment and rejection are paramount for children of all ages, although the young ones can’t express it and the older ones either won’t or they “act out.” Creating a sense of belonging in both homes assists the child in making a healthy transition. Many children actually enjoy having two homes because they get special attention; often have two birthday parties and two sets of Christmas or Chanukah gifts.

Here are some tips to help children adjust:

• The child should have her own room. If this isn’t possible, she should have her own space in a room – her own dresser drawer, a toy bin, some shelves.
• He should be allowed to keep his things in that space and arrange them as he wants to.
• Let the child help decorate the space. By picking out her own sheets or a poster to hang on the wall, she personalizes the space.
• He should have clothes in both spaces.
• She should be allowed to carry her things back and forth between two houses. This helps with the transition.
• Parents should cooperate in returning clothes and toys.
• Pick up and drop off should always be cordial, on time and upbeat. Save your hostility for court.
• Children should go with the non-custodial parent even when sick. This reinforces both parents’ ability to care for the child. It helps the child feel he is safe with both parents and part of a household. When we only send children when they are healthy, the message is that one parent is really the “reliable one.” It undermines the other parent and creates a “Disneyland Dad.”
• Rules and consequences should exist in both homes. Many non-custodial parents are afraid they will “ruin” visitation if they discipline the child. Parenting involves both discipline and respect. If you don’t want to feel like an outsider, don’t act like one.
• If possible, rules in both homes should be similar. If they differ, it is not the end of the world as long as each parent is consistent in their own home. Children learn at a very early age that there are different rules in different places – school, camp, church, grandma’s house. They can handle another difference as long as the rules are reliable and consistent in each environment.
• The child should be allowed to call the other parent, but should not be made to do so.

Consider showing this page to your child’s other parent as a way to open dialogue on how to make this transition as easy and stress free for the child as possible. Put aside all your hurt and angry feelings about the marriage and deal with your former spouse as your child’s parent, knowing that when your child has a good relationship with both of you, he/she will thrive.

©2009. Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC is a licensed psychotherapist in Connecticut. Her newest book, is available at bookstores everywhere, Amazon.com or at www.profileactics.com. This article is from her first book,  From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce which won an Honorable Mention Award by the Independent Publishers Association. To read more about the author and her work, please visit www.donnaferber.com.

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One of the most difficult things you will ever have to do as a parent is tell your children that their parents are breaking up. It is important that you shift your focus from your loss to your children’s loss. Divorce is about the dissolution of a husband-wife relationship. It marks a change in the parent-child relationship. Staying aware of this difference will help you effectively support your children. In talking with your children, stay focused on their feelings about this experience. If you focus on the spousal relationship, your own feelings may get in the way of good parenting.

Here are some tips for explaining the divorce to your children:

• If possible, both parents should be present. This illustrates to the children that you will still be able to co-parent.
• Tell them close to the time that one of the parents is planning to move out. Telling them months in advance doesn’t “prepare them.” It will only make them anxious and worried.
• Tell them calmly.
• Keep it age appropriate. Don’t give them information that is over their heads.
• Keep it short and sweet.
• Explain that divorce is between the adults and that parents do not divorce children.
• Ask for questions. Answer honestly with age-appropriate information. Don’t be afraid to say, “I don’t know the answer to that. When I do, I will tell you.” You don’t tell your children about marital issues, like your sex life or money problems. The details of divorce should also stay between the two of you.
• Explain to your children the ways the divorce will affect them directly, i.e., will you move, will they stay in the same schools, and so on.
• Remember that divorce begins for the children the day the living situation changes. On the day one parent leaves, that is the day their parents’ marriage ends.
• Allow for your children cry if they need to. It is important to let them grieve.
• Reassure them that you will not leave them, even if you are angry (which is some children’s biggest fear).
• Reassure them that you will always love them.
• Notify their teachers, scout leaders, karate instructor, and anyone else who has contact with your child, so they can be aware of and sensitive to your child’s needs.
• Be prepared for any and all reactions from, “that’s too bad, what’s for dinner?” to crying and yelling. Stay calm and be reassuring.
• Remember your children will be as healthy about this as you are. They will take their cues from you.
• Behave yourself! Keep your thoughts and feelings about your spouse to yourself. Recent research shows that it isn’t the divorce itself that damages children as much as the fighting, stonewalling, tension and icy silences between the parents.

Continue to talk with your children about the process. As it is with discussions about sex or drugs, you do not just have one conversation and feel you have done your job! This conversation is only the introduction. An ongoing dialogue and open attitude will go a long way in minimizing possible negative effects. Be there for your children through this difficult time. As uncomfortable as this may be for you, your children need your guidance and support.

Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC is a psychotherapist in Connecticut who works with families in transition. This article is adapted from her book, Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce which was awarded Honorable Mention in the self-help category by the Independent Publishers Association. Her second book Profileactics: A Guide for the Prevention of ill-Conceived Personal Ads was just published in October 2009. For more information, click here to go to her website.

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Of course, it goes without saying that it is in the best interests of children when both parents are actively involved in their lives. Typically, children who have both parents raising them are more successful in many areas, including their academics. Unfortunately, due to divorce and circumstances such as parents living in different cities or states, one parent is excluded from involvement in their child’s school life. Often it seems that the father is the parent who does not feel needed or welcome in their child’s school world. Fathers are many times unaware of school happenings such as teacher-parent conferences, report card dates, or special events at the school. Research supports that when the non-resident father is even marginally involved in their child’s school life, the student is more likely to participate in extra-curricular activities, receive better grades, and enjoy school more.

Working with Non-Resident Fathers – A Guide for Educators of Children , a pamphlet published by Separated Parenting Access and Resource Center (SPARC), a non-profit organization dedicated to promoting the best interest of children in custody and divorce proceedings, is an excellent resource for the parent who feels out of the loop when it comes to their child’s school life.

It is filled with practical tips for the non-custodial parent as well as suggestions for teachers and school administrators. If you are feeling uninvolved in school activities, contact, or if possible, visit your child’s school to meet with his or her teacher to be sure that you will receive mailings and or emails about your child’s progress, as well as information about upcoming events. Ask about the school’s website and calendar as a way of keeping informed about what is happening. Many teachers have their own web-pages and keep grades and other pertinent information on line for parents to access.

If you are a school administrator or teacher, this pamphlet should be a definite read for you. It is chalk full of useful suggestions to make sure that you are doing all that you can do to include both parents so that the end result is that you have happy, involved, engaged children who are ready to learn.

To go to the SPARC website, click here. To read the publication, Working with Non-Resident Fathers – A Guide for Educators of Children, click here.

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Unlike many family law blogs which just share divorce information, we take a much broader view of “family law” and try to provide positive helpful information to readers about ways to help keep marriages together.  Clearly, marriage is an important public and social good, associated with a broad array of positive outcomes for adults, children, and the community as a whole. Divorce proceedings should never be initiated lightly! All relationships have “ups and downs” that can sometimes be very difficult to navigate.

Marriage Works! Ohio! offers an extensive range of programs and services throughout Shelby, Miami, Montgomery, Greene, Butler and Warren counties. This collaborative effort of faith-based and community organizations, including Elizabeth’s New Life Center, has been operating for 3 years.  Recently, it was recognized by the Department of Health and Human Services as one of the 8 most promising programs for marriage education in the country! Their mission is to demonstrate ways to increase knowledge of basic relationship skills, communication skills, commitment to the relationship, and positive conflict resolution among adults and teenagers.  Most of their classes are free of charge. Classes are small, usually with only 10 to 20 couples.  Workshops and classes range in length from only a few hours to an 18 week course!

According to Marriage Works! Ohio! statistics, two-thirds of marriages end due to “low-conflict” reasons, where there was no abuse, violence or serious fighting. Their programs help equip people with a toolbox of skills that are valuable in establishing and maintaining a healthy relationship. They have classes for teens, married couples, people seriously dating, engaged couples, or those that have a child together. Marriage Education or Enrichment (ME) is a fairly new concept.  The idea behind ME is that relationship skills can be learned, and couples who have and use good relationship skills will have a healthier, happier life together.  Their goal is to share these relationship skills (like conflict resolution techniques and communication ideas) with couples so that they can use them to empower and improve their own relationships.

Marriage Works! Ohio! is not a counseling or therapy service, but they do have a support staff to provide one-on-one assistance for couples who are seeking further individualized education to enrich or strengthen their relationship. Communication, conflict resolution, infidelity, divorce prevention and reconciliation are frequent issues the support staff addresses with couples in these sessions utilizing solution focused techniques. Here is a partial list of programs, classes and workshops that they offer:

• Marriage Builders/ Relationship Builders
• Love Thinks: Balancing the Head and the Heart
• Healthy Couples
• Growing a Loving, Lasting Marriage
• Men’s Mentoring Group
• Expecting a Baby?

For more information about Marriage Works! Ohio! Or, to sign up for a class, please go to their website at www.TrustMarriage.com or click here. They can be reached by telephone at (937) 262-7010. Look for articles and tips from Marriage Works! Ohio! in posts to come on the Ohio Family Law Blog!

If you found this article of interest, we had previously  written about the importance of seeking professional counseling and/or therapy during a divorce. Click here to read that article.

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Karen Armstrong, a human development extension agent with North Dakota State University, posted an excellent Thanksgiving piece two years ago. Her suggestions and insights bear repeating. Plus, I liked her Thanksgiving Quiz!  She was kind enough to allow me to republish it.

The holiday season can be stressful enough on its own. Families who have changed the make up of their household because of divorce or marriage since last year have some new challenges. If this describes your family, watch your children for signs of stress this season. Often times the shopping and decorating is too much for them. Encourage your children to talk about what they are feeling and keep those lines of communication open so they can approach you when they need to.

Because of the holidays, you may feel that you and your children are supposed to be happy, but allow time to deal with the adjustments. For example, it’s normal and healthy for children to miss the other parent; acknowledge their feelings and let them know it’s okay.

Financial strains become a reality to most families during this time. Communicate with your children’s other parent about the gifts that will be purchased. Consider agreeing on a price limit for each parent. This will eliminate the temptation to “out do” the other parent and feeling the need to overcompensate.

Only in special circumstances is it recommended that children be split up at the holidays. They will already be missing the other parent, to miss a sibling will only add to the uncertainty about their new life. Evaluate this situation very carefully.

Plan ahead of time how holidays are to be spent. Make a point to schedule time with each parent during the holiday season.  For parents who feel comfortable sharing the holiday, this can be a good plan if possible. However, be cautious about the time you spend together, especially if the divorce was recent. This can be confusing to the child who is hoping for reconciliation.

If your home has changed because of marriage and you have created a blended family, there are also ways to make your holidays smoother. Choose to continue some special traditions that you had before and some that your new spouse had before your marriage. Changing the entire routine often creates an atmosphere of anger and resentment toward the stepparent. Encourage everyone to share the significance of the tradition so no one feels left out. Decide to create some new, inexpensive traditions that will be easy to carry out every year. The parent who will not be with the children at the holidays has certain responsibilities. Make plans to spend time with friends, family or volunteering. The children will feel anxious about your feelings. They will need reassurance that you will not be lonely.

If you have accepted the responsibility of parenting solo, don’t focus on the absent parent at this time. You may not have planned for the holidays to be the way they are, but you can make the most of it. Communities often have groups for single parents that provide activities during the holidays.

When the holidays are over, you may feel exhausted, let down, even depressed. It is typical to believe you feel this way because the holidays were disappointing to your family or kids. If that’s the case, think about what could be done differently in the future. Also remember that this may be your body’s way of telling you to take some time for yourself now and relax.

Turkey Quiz – How much do you really know about Turkey?

Here are some questions to review the basics of safe Thanksgiving food handling.

1. When thawing a turkey under cold water, how often should the water be changed?

a. Every 10 minutes
b. Every 30 minutes
c. Every wo hours

2. If you’d like some leftovers, about how much turkey (including bone weight) should you allow per person?

a. 0.5 pound
b. 1 to 1 1/2 pounds
c. 3 to 4 pounds

3. True or False: “Dressing” and “stuffing” are interchangeable terms that relate to the bread mixture served with turkey.

4. Leftover turkey should be removed from the carcass and refrigerated:

a. within six hours following roasting
b. within four to five hours following roasting
c. within one to two hours following roasting

5. How many turkeys are annually pardoned by the president of the United States?

a. One
b. Two
c. Three

6. How long can leftover turkey be safely stored in the refrigerator?

a. Three to four days
b. Five to six days
c. Seven to 10 days

7. True or False: Reheating a whole turkey on the carcass is not recommended.

8. Which is lowest in fat and calories?

a. Dark meat without skin
b. Dark meat with skin
c. White meat without skin

9. To what internal temperature should a whole turkey be cooked?

a. 120° F
b. 180° F
c. 220° F

10. True or False: Sometimes pop-up thermometers prematurely pop up, before a turkey has reached a safe internal temperature.

11. About how much turkey is eaten on Thanksgiving Day in the U.S.?

a. 360 million pounds
b. 490 million pounds
c. 690 million pounds

12. True or False:  A baked pumpkin pie is safe to leave out at room temperature.

Here are the answers: 1. b; 2. b; 3. True; 4. a; 5. a; 6. a; 7. True; 8. c; 9. b; 10. True; 11. c; and 12. False because of its milk and egg content it should be kept in the refrigerator.

For more information about turkey preparation, visit the National Turkey Federation Web site at www.eatturkey.com. To read Karen’s original post, which also includes a great recipe for turkey salsa soup, click here

Please click here to read an excellent comment posted to this story by Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC, a psychotherapist in Connecticut, who works with families in transition. From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’sJourney through Divorce was awarded Honorable Mention in the self-help category by the Independent Publishers Association. Her second book Profileactics: A Guide for the Prevention of Ill-Conceived Personal Ads was just published in October 2009.

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Dr. Gregory Ramey, a child psychologist at Dayton Children’s Hospital and author of the Family Wise Column in the Dayton Daily News, as well as a guest contributor to the Ohio Family Law Blog, will be presenting a parenting seminar at 6:30 p.m., December 3, 2009, at Dayton Children’s Outpatient Care Center in Springboro. Don’t miss it! Dr. Ramey will discuss “Kids and their Technological Worlds” and will provide recent research on internet usage, cell phones, and television, and some concrete implications for today’s parents.  Seating is limited and a RSVP is required. To reserve a seat, contact Betsy Woods at woodsb@childrensdayton.org or call (937)641-3619. The new outpatient care facility is located just off Route 741 at 3333 West Tech Road.

To read Dr. Ramey’s past and present Family Wise columns, click here

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As we are now into the month of November, it is not too early for divorced and divorcing parents to look ahead to the upcoming Christmas Holiday.  Here are some “tips” regarding the “nuts and bolts” of handling the Christmas holiday season.

1. Read and examine the Parenting Time Schedule for your particular County which should be attached as part of your Final Decree or Court Judgment.  The Domestic Relations Court and Juvenile Court of each County have differing schedules. If your parenting time schedule has been lost or misplaced, you can obtain a replacement from your attorney’s office or the clerk where your order was filed.

   For example, Montgomery County, Ohio, has the following provision as to the Christmas Break:

   In all even-numbered years, the Mother shall have the children from 9:00 a.m. the day after school recesses (or 9:00 a.m. on December 20 if the children are not in school), until 9:00 p.m. December 24, and the Father shall have the children from 9:00 p.m. December 24 through 6:00 p.m. January 1.  In odd-numbered years, the reverse shall apply.

   And, Greene County, Ohio, has the following provision as to Christmas Break:

   In all even-numbered years, the Mother shall have the children from 9:00 a.m. the day after school recesses until 12:00 noon December 26, and the Father shall have the children from 12:00 noon December 26 through 6:00 p.m. the day before school resumes.  In all odd-numbered years, the reverse schedule shall apply.

2. Plan your Christmas Schedule with family members according to the Parenting Time Schedule that is in place for you.  For example, if you are to have the children from December 20 to December 24 (Montgomery County, Ohio),  do not invite your parents or extended family members to your home to celebrate Christmas with you and the children on December 25 and expect your former spouse or estranged spouse to agree to your request to have the children on Christmas Day.
3. Remember that children truly are resilient!  Christmas Eve does not have to be celebrated on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day does not have to be celebrated on December 25 of each year.  You and your children are free to celebrate the holiday when you have the children in your care and custody…..it is “okay”  to celebrate the holiday early, and it is entirely acceptable to celebrate the holiday “after” the holiday.  You merely say to the children and the relatives…..this is Father’s year to have the children for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day so I am inviting you to celebrate the Christmas holiday on December 26 or even December 27.
4. If you have extended family members that absolutely can not comply with your Parenting Time Schedule for a given year, reach out to the ex-spouse or the estranged spouse to see if he or she would be willing to trade visitation time so that the children do not miss visitation with grandparents and/or extended family.Example: Due to my parents’ work schedules, they can not arrive in Dayton before December 26. You are scheduled to have the children from December 26^th through the first of the year.  Would you be willing to have visitation with the children for this year from December 20 through December 25 so that my parents could have time with the children the latter part of the Christmas holiday period.
5. Treat your former spouse and/or your estranged spouse with respect and kindness (if at all possible!).  You are much more likely to obtain compromise and flexibility in parenting time schedules if you are open and willing to compromise and adapt to change.
6. Assume that your children are your first priority and that their happiness and well-being is of paramount importance.  This may remove the battle over whether Wife “wins” or whether Husband “wins” in visitation matters.
7. If you anticipate there is going to be a “problem” with parenting time this year,   there is little time to wait to file a motion with the Court to seek its intervention. Such a motion would need to be filed immediately to try to secure a hearing date before the holiday.

In my opinion, there are really no “winners” in divorce proceedings…..a family unit has been lost!  In the best of situations, the parents of the children of divorce will cooperate with one another to achieve a workable parenting time schedule to meet the needs of the minor children of the parties.

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