Tips on how technology can be used as a tool for parents

Five-year-old Landon loves for his Aunt Michelle to read him bedtime stories. He snuggles in his bed with his special blanket and an extra pillow and gets all comfortable while he follows along with his favorite book. This bedtime routine occurs every few weeks, even though his aunt lives hundreds of miles away. Landon and his aunt are connected by a video conference call with a camera easily installed on any computer. He watches and listens to his aunt on a laptop computer as she reads to him.

Staying connected with family has always been extremely important to Michelle, a young professional with a busy travel schedule. When her nephew was a few years old, she purchased web cameras for family members at Christmas. Using a free video conference service (Skype.com) she began having regular contact with her nephew. He wasn’t very good at speaking on the phone, but he loved to show off his latest projects from preschool. “Technology is not a replacement for me,” said Michelle, “but it has allowed me to stay connected and be an active part of his life even though I am not physically there.”

Technology has historically been both romanticized as a deity and criticized as a demon. When the automobile became popular, there were serious concerns about pollution and safety. While we can’t imagine life without our cars, this technology comes at a high cost. There are more than 1 million car-related deaths worldwide every year and 20 to 50 million injuries. The automobile remains a major source of worldwide pollution.

Few people are willing to give up their smartphones, computers or cars, so the question becomes how to use technology to enhance our family life. Here’s what I’m learning from families in my office:

1. Power down at mealtimes. This means no television, computers or texting. This is the time to really connect with each other without the technological distractions that can be so overwhelming throughout the day.
2. No computers in kids’ bedrooms until at least high school. Please trust me on this one. The risks just aren’t worth it. Keep computers in public areas of your house, and regularly monitor their usage.
3. Limit or eliminate television viewing on school nights. You’ll be amazed at the impact this will have on your family. Kids play games, become creative, and interact with us and their siblings.
4. No social media networks until at least high school, and supervise their use. Many kids just don’t have the impulse control to adequately control this technology, and the effects on them and others can be substantial.
5. Supervise cellphone use, including texting. You need to be guided by the maturity of your child, but irresponsible behavior should result in increased supervision.
6. Learn about technology. Don’t be afraid of texting, video-conferencing, iPads, or Facebook. They are fun and great ways to stay connected with your kids.

Gregory Ramey, Ph.D., is a child psychologist and vice president for outpatient services at the Children’s Medical Center of Dayton. For more of his columns, visit www.childrensdayton.org/ramey and join Dr. Ramey on facebook at www.facebook.com/drgregramey.

[Reprinted by permission from the October 16, 2011, edition of the Dayton Daily News, “Parents should

The lazy, hazy days of summer will soon be gone, only to be replaced with the frenetic days of a new school year.  Despite the grumblings from your children about returning to school, most children are actually ready to resume the routine that school brings. The beginning of the school year is exciting. Your child will be happy to see friends and to meet their teachers, but it can also be a time of uncertainty and worry. They might be concerned about how they will do this year in school, if their friends are in their classes, or if they will like their teachers.  It can be especially difficult for those students attending a brand new school, or those who are transitioning from elementary to middle school, or middle to high school.

As parents, we want to be sure to help our children get off to a smooth start to the new school year. It can especially be a challenge if you are sharing custody with a former spouse or if you are the non-custodial parent.  For those of you who operate under a shared parenting plan and split parenting time, say every other week, or every two weeks, it is important that you help your child to adjust to the new year and the new routine.  For example, when it is your turn to have your child stay with you, don’t just assume that your child will bring everything he or she will need.  Consider having duplicate supplies, clothes; and if the school is willing, extra sets of text books. It can be disorienting to the child if he or she is constantly worrying about where everything is.  Although in many cases I realize that this is not a feasible suggestion, but for the sake of your children you should try and speak with your ex-spouse and try to establish the same study routine.  If this is just something that will never happen, do speak with your child so that he or she clearly understand the rules at your house.  For example, you might expect that they will get their homework done right when they return home, but your ex-spouse may not find that of importance.  Calmly let your child know what your rules and expectations are and that their mother or father may do it differently when they are staying with them.  Tell them that is okay, but your way will work better the time that they are with you.

For those of you who have to live in a different state than your children, you face different challenges.  Fortunately, technology has made us all much better equipped to stay in touch.  Most all schools have web-sites, and teachers have their own page which will help you to get acquainted with the school and the teacher.  Many teachers, especially at the elementary level, post regular weekly newsletters telling about what is happening that week.  Many upper-level teachers post assignments and grades on line.  Email your child’s teacher and introduce yourself letting the teacher know that even though you live out of state, you would like to be an integral part of your child’s education.  Some teachers are willing to conduct phone conferences or web-cam conferences.  Earlier this year I posted an article on our blog that gives suggestions on how you can keep in touch with your child’s teacher and school.  Please click here if you would like to read the article in its entirety.

In any event, it is important for our children to know that we care about what they are doing in school.  I hope that this school year is a happy and successful one for your child!

Here is a list of links to various online assessment tools that might be valuable for those interested in learning where they might score in areas that can frequently impact a marriage. Originally, I just intended to post an online depression assessment tool since many people going through a divorce suffer from some degree of depression. But once I started on the project, as you can see, the list kept growing. Here they all are:

• Depression Screening Test
• Inventory of Depressive Symptomatology
• Anger Management Test
• Arguing Style Test
• Domestic Violence Screening Test
• Woman Abuse Screening Test (WAST)
• Battered Woman Test
• Alcoholism Test
• Drug Abuse Screening Test
• Cocaine Addiction Test
• Marijuana Addiction Test<
• Internet Addiction Test
• Cybersex Addiction Test
• Sexual Addiction Test (SAST)
• Pornography Compulsion Test
• Gambling Addiction Test
• Food Addiction Test
• Compulsive Spender Test
• Compulsive Shopper Test
• Obsessive/Compulsive Disorder Test
• Domination/Submission Test
• Mood Disorder Test
• Social Anxiety/Phobia Test
• Stress Test
• Workaholic Test
• Marriage Strength Test (Gottman)

Additionally, if these assessment tools are not what you are looking for, consider checking out my previous post, “Divorce Calculator – We have an App for That.” Economist, Betsey Stevenson, from the University of Pennsylvania’s Wharton School in Philadelphia, developed the calculator based upon a recent study which has shown that the lowest divorce rates are among people who marry later in life and have more education; the highest divorce rates are among those who marry young with less education.

In any event, if you have a problem, please recognize that counseling with a qualified psychologist can work wonders as long as you are committed to the process!

Recently, while doing some research for another blog article, I came across a “divorce calculator” posted on the divorce360.com website. With their permission, I have added it to this article below. The calculator is intended for first marriages only. The calculator works by comparing peoples’ backgrounds to yours. You and your spouse might well end up with two different calculation percentages because each of you comes from different backgrounds. The website advises that the best way then to determine your risk for divorce as a couple is to average the two percentages together. The statistical information they use comes from “historical data based on information given by real people and collected as part of the U.S. Census”. Click here to read more about the calculator.

I am, of course, not in a position to comment on the accuracy of the calculations. There are, of course, many other important factors which are not taken into consideration by the calculator which could alter the percentages considerably. Nonetheless, check it out if you want.

I wonder if the new iPhone I see advertised on television (which says it has 25,000 applications available) has an App for this too.

I have been practicing law now for a little over 30 years.  It is impossible to describe all the change I have seen in my practice over the years. They range from electric typewriters to voice recognition software to multi-function copiers that can print, scan and send faxes and emails; and almost everyone has a computer and is computer savvy. Ah yes, computers.  My first experience with a computer was in 1968 when students were required in my eighth grade class to take “Introduction to Computers.”  I would never have predicted then how much those large, clunky devices would change our lives forever!

Information is king.  Consumers now rely on computers and the internet much like prior generations used encyclopedias and the yellow pages.  So our law firm, whose roots trace back over 65 years, stays current with technology and maintains a website and this blog-concepts which were unfathomable even for visionary lawyers only twenty years ago.  The point of my reflecting upon the computer is to put in context our firm’s next technological leap which is about to occur – becoming a member of the YouTube community.  I am not kidding either!  For those of you unfamiliar with YouTube, it is a video sharing website which has expanded its internet muscle especially since Google purchased it in 2006.  It is not just a “young person’s” site either. YouTube is now the third most viewed website on the internet behind Yahoo and Google!  Soon we will have posted to our website a video overview of the firm as well as a video greeting from each of our four attorneys, all hosted by YouTube.  Why, you ask?  Well here are a few of the reasons. Did you know that media experts such as Lancer Media tell us:

Video search will soon rival text search as a primary search method due to the following factors:

• Videos are entertaining and fun to watch;
• Only about 50% of all of website content is actually read;
• Videos are quick to watch;
• Pictures are worth 1,000 words – a visitor to a website may need 30 minutes, 1 hour or 2 hours to thoroughly read and understand a text message, whereas a video can transmit the same message in 3 minutes or less; and
• Videos bring people, ideas and strategies to life.

While this may all be true, the primary reason we are adding the videos to our website is to assist potential clients to obtain a better sense of each of our four attorney’s demeanor, their areas of expertise, and their individual philosophies about the practice of law.  All of these should be extremely important considerations.  People can be very nervous going to meet with an attorney, especially if the conference involves an emotional area such as contemplating a divorce.  These videos will allow a “tour” of our firm and an opportunity to gauge a bit more clearly each attorney’s values and style. Clients need to select an attorney with a personality that meshes with their own.

For any of our blog readers who are interested, below is a sneak peek of our first YouTube video providing an “overview” of our Dayton law firm.  Just click on the “Play” arrow to view it. In the not too distant future, we will add a video from each of our attorneys discussing their respective practice areas. Our firm’s willingness to embrace new ideas and technology, I believe, carries over to our progressive approach in delivering exemplary legal services to our clients.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RIdiEkHidXE

Watch Video in Standard Quality   |   Watch Video in HD   |   Click for Transcript   |   Visit Our YouTube Page

In the second part of a two part series, Attorney Robert Mues looks at the legal aspects of Virtual Visitation.

Ohio Revised Code Section 3109.051(A) provides, in part, that, “Whenever possible, the order or decree permitting the parenting time shall ensure the opportunity for both parents to have frequent and continuing contact with the child, unless frequent and continuing contact by either parent with the child would not be in the best interest of the child.” In 2006, a bill was introduced in the Ohio Senate to allow Juvenile or Domestic Relations Courts to grant a reasonable amount of “electronic communication” between a parent and a child so long as the electronic communication was in the child’s best interest and the equipment was readily available. In Senate Bill 341, electronic communications was defined as “communication facilitated by the use of methods of communication such as the telephone, electronic mail, instant messaging, video conferencing, or other wired or wireless technologies via the internet, or another medium of communication that allows a party who has been granted parenting time, companionship, or visitation rights to communicate with a child during times in which the child is not physically present with the party.” While the Ohio bill stalled in committee. Florida, Utah, Texas and Wisconsin have all enacted “virtual visitation” statutes.

Magistrate Elaine Stoermer of the Montgomery County Domestic Relations Court had written an excellent article on the subject five years ago! At that time, she commented that “technology has progressed from rotary dial to the internet, to picture phones to TV phones.” Click here to read her article. Costs were much more of a factor then. Computers and broadband internet access are now common place. Both parents and children have become much more techology savvy. So many of the obstacles, inherent then with newly emerging technology, have been eliminated.

I searched for “virtual visitation” cases all across the country while researching this article. I could not find any Ohio cases. The most interesting analysis was contained in Gilbert v. Gilbert, 730 N.W.2d 833, issued by the Supreme Court of North Dakota in 2007. The Court stated:

The district court can also consider whether virtual visitation can be used to supplement in-person visitation.  Virtual visitation includes using the telephone, Internet, web-cam, and other wireless or wired technologies to ensure the child has frequent and meaningful contact with the non-custodial parent. It is most useful in cases such as this where the child and non-custodial parent are accustomed to seeing each other on a regular basis but no longer will be able to because of the relocation. Virtual visitation is not a substitute for personal contact, but it can be a useful tool to supplement in-person visitation. Virtual visitation is becoming more widely recognized as a way to supplement in-person visitation. See, e.g., Tibor, 1999 ND 150, ¶ 26, 598 NW.2d 480 (“modern transportation reduces the measure of distance from days to hours, and instant communication is available through phone and cable links”); McCoy v. McCoy, 336 N.J.Super. 172, 764 A.2d 449, 454 (App.Div.2001) (using the Internet to enhance visitation was creative and innovative); Fla. Stat. Ann. §61.13001(9)(a) (2007) (urges courts to consider virtual visitation in relocation cases); Utah Code Ann. §30-3-33(14) (2007) (advisory guidelines for parent-time arrangements suggest using virtual visitation to supplement in-person visitation); Wis. Stat. Ann. §767.41 (2007) (parenting plan should include information about using electronic communication between child and parent).

Judges even in contested cases should consider including provisions for video conferencing and other virtual visitation options especially where the parents have computers and the financial means to pay the costs associated with the interactive services. When the parties agree and are cooperative, the language in the order may simply say “The parties shall cooperate in utilizing interactive electronic communication technology including internet email, instant messaging, web cam/video conferencing or other wired/wireless technologies with each parent as a supplement to in-person parenting time.” While this language might suffice in some cases, in most cases, more detailed language would be suggested to avoid misunderstanding and contempt motions. Michael Gough, credited as the father of virtual visitation and founder of the virtual visitation portal (www.internetvisitation.org) has listed 10 items which the drafter of the order should consider including:

1. Which forms of “virtual visitation” are being ordered (video conferencing, email, video mail, instant messaging, etc.).
2. Equipment required (hardware, software and internet connection)
3. Installation and training services.
4. Which parent is required to pay for necessary equipment and services.
5. Schedule, e.g., days of the week, number of times per week, and times of day for virtual visitation to occur.
6. Which parent is responsible to initiate the virtual visitation session.
7. Deadline for custodial parent to have equipment ready and video conferencing in full operation.
8. If equipment malfunctions or breaks, what time period is allowed for computer repair before court sanctions are triggered.
9. Incorporation of the Children’s Bill of Rights, if one exists for your state.
10. Remedies and sanctions for noncompliance, including contempt and attorneys fees.

The benefits of virtual visitation are many.  But perhaps the most important is that implementing these additional interative communications may help reduce the negative psychological impact of separation on a child.  Kids often blame themselves when parties divorce and separate.  So whatever parents can do to reduce children’s anxieties or feelings of abandonment will help the children’s emotional development into adulthood.

In the first of a two part series, Attorney Robert Mues examines Virtual Visitation and the different options a divorced parent can use to communicate with their children. Part 1 – Utilizing Technology to Supplement Parenting Time.

Not too long ago, divorced parents had limited communication options to stay in touch with their children.  The old rushed and often dry “phone call approach” was better than nothing but had drawbacks.  There were long distance phone charges and issues with time zones.  New communication options have improved considerably! It is much easier for you to keep in touch with your children after a divorce.  Most of these approaches require both parents to have a computer with broadband connections.  Here are some options to supplement traditional face to face parenting time:

Cell Phones: Many companies are selling cell phones designed specifically for kids which feature built in parental controls to restrict incoming and outgoing calls or text messages.  Check out firefly mobile (www.firefly.com), LG Migo from Verizon Wireless and Kajeet (), which also includes a GPS phone locator service allowing a parent to find out where the phone is at various times of the day.

Email: Email features have expanded so it’s easy to share photos and videos by incorporating a digital camera.  A scanner can be a great addition for a parent or older child to transmit copies of homework assignments, report cards and other written items.  Perhaps scan a copy of a child’s recent art project.

Webcam: Webcams have dropped dramatically in price.  Skype, Google, Yahoo and AOL all have made it easy to talk with your child and see him or her on the computer screen at the same time.  Creative parents have used a webcam to record themselves while reading a book or singing happy birthday. 

Instant Messaging (IM): Many kids are on the computer a lot. Instant messaging is similar to email but it is in real time.  Google, MSN, AOL, Yahoo and others have IM services.  Instant messaging makes it easy to communicate with a child by typing a message and immediately getting a response.  Be ready to learn some “shorthand” slang and acronyms that kids use to communicate these days such as LOL (laugh out loud), BTW (by the way), and TTYL (talk to you later).

etendi BRIDGE: Last month etendi.com launched BRIDGE (www.etendi.com) an easy to use, interactive, safe and secure web-based meeting place.  It has been specifically developed for non-custodial parents or co-parenting situations, grandparents, military families, or the heavy business traveler.  BRIDGE allows family members to stay connected by providing a single place for them to be together online.  Features include live video phone calling, shared spaces for photos, videos and documents, personal notes, an interactive white board, and a shared calendar.  Parents, kids and other family members can be online at the same time and have a video phone call, play games or work on homework together.

BRIDGE has combined the web-based tools that parents and kids enjoy into a simple subscription based system which eliminates external, undesirable content or SPAM reaching the kids.  To learn more about BRIDGE, click here.

These “virtual visitation” tools are not suggested as a replacement to in-person contact but rather, as a supplement. The more options a parent can implement to stay in touch with a child, the stronger the bond between the two should grow. Long-distance parents should think “outside the box” and be creative in integrating virtual visitation tools to stay in close communication with their children. An excellent online resource to learn more about this topic is The Virtual Visitation Portal (www.internetvisitation.org), whose mission includes helping educate and providing free information on how virtual visitation can help both parents who are separated or divorced stay in touch with their children.

Next week, I will address some of the legal aspects associated with virtual visitation issues.

With the rise of the popularity of the internet, instant messaging, text messaging and the use of GPS systems, electronic evidence is being utilized more and more in litigation. Technology is having a huge impact on our lives and also the way many divorces are being litigated. Recently 88% of the members of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers (AAML) indicated that they have seen an increase in the number of cases using electronic data during the past five years. Emails were the most common form of electronic evidence offered in court according to AAML president, James Hennenhaefer. Electronic evidence is being used for many purposes including detecting hidden assets, financial misconduct and infidelity.

Antonia Love, a solicitor (attorney) from England recently warned the public that social networking sites are becoming the next tool lawyers will be using in divorce proceedings. She said, “People who use social networking websites to send flirtatious emails to people, who are not their partners, are often lulled into a false sense of security that they are doing nothing wrong because correspondence is electronic and therefore isn’t real life.” Snooping in another’s email account is not uncommon. A Google survey indicated that 27% of women and 21% of men admit to having done it.

Currently over 150 million people regularly use social networking sites, such as My Space and Facebook, and the membership to these sites is exploding. According to Jeremiah Owyang, a noted web strategist, between 250,000 to 300,000 new members join My Space and Facebook each day. Romantic electronic conversations that a party naively believed would remain undetected can, if found, become very harmful. Case in point, the recent stories in the Detroit Free Press about Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick alleging that text messages made on a city issued pager show romantic banter between him and former chief of staff. That investigation continues. The “fallout” could include criminal prosecution against the Mayor for perjury based on his testimony in a recent police whistle-blower jury trial about this “relationship.” Stay tuned.

While many attorneys believe that the use of electronic evidence may not lead to a huge increase in the divorce rates, most believe that it will make the lawyers job easier since people tend to be much less careful about what they may say in an email than they would in other conventional correspondence.