Just as each marriage is unique, so is each divorce. Your reaction to the final legal decree will vary from that of others going through this process. Your feelings will be based on your own special circumstances and will depend upon a number of factors:

• How reconciled you are to the divorce.
• How much time has passed between the filing of the original papers and the final day.
• How much acrimony still exists with your spouse.
• How much rebuilding of your own life you have already done.

Divorce Day can bring about a myriad of feelings, ranging from extreme sadness to exuberant joy to calm indifference. By knowing yourself and your own feelings about your situation, you can predict, to some degree, how you will feel.

Here are some tips for preparing for your day in court:

• Make a trial run the day before so you know how to get there and where to park. This can help with any anxiety you may have about getting lost or finding parking.
• Ask your lawyer to explain exactly what will happen on the final day. Will your lawyer be there? Will you have to testify? Will your spouse? Ask any questions you may have. Don’t worry if you sound silly. You are not supposed to know all the answers. That’s why you hired a lawyer in the first place!
• Bring someone – a close friend, a sibling, a parent – someone who is supportive and knows the situation. (But do not bring your children-even your adult children!)
• Make sure you eat a good breakfast that day. You don’t want to pass out in court! Bring gum or life savers. Our mouth tends to get dry when we are anxious. Also bring a book, knitting, or crossword puzzle, or something else to occupy your brain. You may have to wait a while and having something to distract you can help lessen your anxiety and help the time pass quicker.
• Wear something you don’t particularly like. This is especially true for women who often report they are surprised to discover they never again want to wear the outfit they wore to court. They think of it as their “divorce outfit” and simply want to throw it out.
• Plan something for after court such as going to lunch with some friends. You can always cancel it if you feel like being alone, but it offers a “cushion” or “safety net.”
• Plan something social for your first weekend as a single person.
• Plan a divorce ritual. Anything goes, but do something! This isn’t necessarily a celebration (although it can be!) but rather a way to mark a significant event in your life.A word about your kids – They need not be aware of the actual day of the divorce. It will only fill them with anxiety and trepidation. For children, the divorce begins the day one parent moves out. The rest of the stuff is legal, grown-up stuff. Let your children have an ordinary day and go about their plans as scheduled.

  Finally, prepare for your day in court with courage and dignity. A positive attitude will make this experience easier and help you stay focused on the process as it unfolds.

  
  ©2010. Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC, is a licensed psychotherapist in Connecticut. Her newest book is available at bookstores everywhere, Amazon.com or at www.profileactics.com. This article is from her first book, From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce, which won an Honorable Mention Award by the Independent Publishers Association. To read more about the author and her work, please visit www.donnaferber.com

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As an adult who weathered through a divorce proceeding within the past thirteen (13) years, I was the product of an “intact family” having parents who were married for more than 54 years.  Like most young women, I was “socialized” into thinking that I would grow up, meet Prince Charming, fall in love, get married, and “live happily ever after”!  Unfortunately, that dream of many young women has become more of a myth than a “true-to-life” fairy tale as our divorce rate approaches or exceeds 50% for first time marriages.  Nevertheless, I was hopeful that my two children would not be negatively affected by their parents’ divorce as they were not toddlers anymore.  When my divorce actually took place, both children had graduated from college and were living independently.

When my son advised us that he was going to become engaged, we were thrilled for him.  They seemed to be so happy and so in love with one another.  Their wedding was like a “fairy tale” wedding with a beautiful bride, a handsome groom, and a great wedding party of supportive friends and relatives.  Three children and 16 years later, the glow of the first few years has faded, the love and attention that a marriage must have to be sustained had disappeared, and the parties were facing a “broken marriage”.

I was not totally shocked by the news as I had seen warning signs for several years.  I had urged counseling for both of them; I had called Wife’s parents and urged them to provide some help/aid in getting Wife some needed assistance.  I might have been talking to a “brick wall” or some other inanimate object.  Nothing was done to salvage the marriage.  As I have learned throughout the years, the old adage of, “You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make him drink,” is so very true!

My advice or suggestions to parents confronted with the failing marriage and divorce of their adult children is as follows:

1. Urge and encourage; and, if necessary, assist them in finding independent legal representation.  I should no more try to represent my own son in his divorce proceeding than a physician should try to treat an ailing family member.  We are simply too close to the situation to be objective!
2. Be a good listener and be supportive of your  son or daughter, but realize and recognize that there are two sides to every broken marriage.
3. Maintain your relationships with your grandchildren, if any, and keep enforcing the fact that both parents love them and that both parents will be there for them and that you will continue to be a major factor in their lives.
4. Maintain contact with your son or daughter and your grandchildren by letter/cards, telephone, email, texting (if you do texting!).
5. If you notice signs or symptoms of depression in your adult son or daughter, urge them to obtain mental health counseling.  Warning signs include: tearfulness and crying, feeling “blue, melancholy, sad”, inability to make decisions, difficulty with sleeping, eating too much or not wanting to eat at all, becoming involved with drinking or the use of medications or drugs to ease the “unrest and discomfort”!  We must all realize and recognize that “divorces” and “dissolutions” do happen and they are likely to continue to happen.  They must be accepted and dealt with maturity, love, and understanding.
6. Other authors on this subject encourage parents to maintain relationships with the former daughter-in-law or son-in-law.  I think this decision has to be made on a case-by-case basis based upon depth of the relationship during the marriage of the children.  While I maintained a close relationship with my former mother-in-law from the time of my divorce until the time of her death, ours was a “special” relationship of over thirty (30) plus years.  We had always maintained love and respect for one another as individual human beings.

Being a parent does not end when our children reach adulthood.  It is an ongoing process, for better or worse!  Being supportive, yet firm, when having to deal with issues that our adult children are grappling with is a continuance of our unconditional love and desire for them to live the happy life we have envisioned for them.

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It’s a misconception that when parents divorce it doesn’t affect adult children. It is important to remember that our children may be adults (and even may have experienced divorce themselves), but they are still children of both parents. In going through divorce, many parents “lean” on their children, making them into confidantes and, sometimes, surrogate spouses. Children, even adult children, are uncomfortable with details of their parents’ personal life. Confiding to a child about a parent’s indiscretions puts the child in a no-win situation. Many of the adult children I have spoken with say that they are shocked and angry by their parents’ behavior. But as the child, they continue to want the relationship. Giving adult children inappropriate information puts them in a quandary – how to have a relationship with a parent who may have behaved terribly in marriage without feeling disloyal to the other parent? Children are entitled to have a relationship with each parent that is not based on that parent’s performance as a spouse.

Adult children are also affected by divorce in practical ways. Dividing visiting time between the two parents, possibly even grandparents, is a huge problem. The pressure of being “fair and equal” becomes enormous. Furthermore, as their parents’ age, children often find themselves in the role of caregiver. If parents are divorced, this role can fall to them twice. Juggling their own lives and their children’s lives is difficult when a parent or both parents become ill. Some adult children feel resentful, especially when a marriage has been bad for a long time. They may wish that the divorce had taken place earlier, so as to have been spared the fighting and bickering. Many adult children feel the divorce will only be a liability to them now at this stage of their lives.

Then there is the issue of remarriage. Many adult children, who have adjusted to one or both parent’s having a new significant other, wince at the idea of their parents remarrying at this stage of life. Issues of inheritance and jealousy with regard to step-siblings and their grandchildren are difficult issues for adult children. The best way to help our adult children is to pay attention to our conduct during the divorce and remember to be aware of their issues and feelings. They may be adults, but they still need us to act like parents.

Think carefully about how much you tell the children about your marital woes. Be mindful that when you are talking about your spouse, you are also talking about your child’s parent. Keep details that may hurt your adult children private and find other outlets for support such as a therapist, your friends, or a support group. Remember, once the information is shared it cannot be rescinded.

©2010. Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC, is a licensed psychotherapist in Connecticut. Her newest book is available at bookstores everywhere, Amazon.com or at www.profileactics.com. This article is from her first book, From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce, which won an Honorable Mention Award by the Independent Publishers Association. To read more about the author and her work, please visit www.donnaferber.com.

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Throughout life, we sometimes encounter difficult people. We may argue with them, fall silent, comply or take distance. In a divorce, particularly an acrimonious one, difficult behaviors abound. No one is on their best behavior under this amount of stress. Figuring out how to cope with difficult behavior is a bit easier once you can identify why a person behaves in a certain way and what he/she hopes to accomplish. Here is a list of the most common behaviors that frustrate us all and suggestions for dealing with them:

The Bully – uses temper tantrums to overwhelm you; makes insulting and cutting remarks. Needs to feel superior and not lose control of the situation. Wants to get his/her own way.

*Stand up, listen, do not attack back, and take time-outs. Keep to the agenda.

The Complainer – gripes about everything incessantly. Needs to keep looking like a victim, does not take any responsibility, tries to bring others down to make her/himself look/feel better.

*Listen. Try to pin down specific complaints. Offer no apology. Ask, “How do you think we could fix this?”

The Silent Type – the most response you get is “nope,” “maybe,” and “I don’t know.” Needs to punish, hurt and control. Also may be evading resolution as a way to maintain power.

*Try a direct approach to the behavior. “I cannot read your mind, so there are things you need to tell me.” Do not badger or nag. Set a time limit, and then walk away. Part of the reward for being silent is the constant attention and urging. Do not reward the behavior with this response.

The Promiser – agrees with everything, but then doesn’t follow through on anything. Needs to be liked and accepted by everyone.

*Try saying, “I really want to know what is on your mind.”

The Wet Blanket – finds something wrong with everything. Tries to deflate your optimism. “It will never work” is their battle cry. Wants power and control over your life. Is threatened when you feel good about something.

*Do not argue. Do not get drawn into a power struggle. Do not ask for advice from this person.

The Staller – afraid to make a mistake. They never can decide on anything. They stall a major decision until it is made for them. Their sense of self is often tied to getting approval from others.

*Do not become irritated. Examine the facts and work on problem-solving.

The Big Shot – the “know it all.” Condescending, imposing and pompous. Sometimes doesn’t know what she/he is talking about, but thinks she/he does. Seeks approval and respect. They build their self-esteem on knowing “the facts.”

*Do not correct or counter. Do not get involved trying to “out-expert” this person. Listen and validate. Be sure to affirm their stance when they are right.

Here are some steps to help you cope and stop pulling out your own hair in frustration!

• Assess the situation. Is this really an issue you have to win?
• Stop wishing and hoping things were different. That sets you up to be blind-sided again – and again.
• Plan a strategy for getting your point across.
• Stick to your agenda. Do not be distracted by techniques designed to infuriate or diminish you.
• Do the best you can and then let it go.

As you assess your situation and your estranged partner’s behavior, make sure to look at your own style as well. Without realizing it, you may be implementing some of the above behaviors and creating roadblocks to resolution. While it is always easier to see the flaws of others, looking at your own behavior is where you can create real change.

©2010. Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC, is a licensed psychotherapist in Connecticut. Her newest book is available at bookstores everywhere, Amazon.com or at www.profileactics.com. This article is from her first book, From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce, which won an Honorable Mention Award by the Independent Publishers Association. To read more about the author and her work, please visit www.donnaferber.com.

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Through the divorce process, children deal with many changes. One of the most significant adjustments children have to make is living in two homes. Even if a child visits one parent for a few hours a week, the child should feel at home there. This helps foster connection with the non-custodial parent and helps the child to recognize that the non-custodial parent didn’t “divorce” him/her. Issues of abandonment and rejection are paramount for children of all ages, although the young ones can’t express it and the older ones either won’t or they “act out.” Creating a sense of belonging in both homes assists the child in making a healthy transition. Many children actually enjoy having two homes because they get special attention; often have two birthday parties and two sets of Christmas or Chanukah gifts.

Here are some tips to help children adjust:

• The child should have her own room. If this isn’t possible, she should have her own space in a room – her own dresser drawer, a toy bin, some shelves.
• He should be allowed to keep his things in that space and arrange them as he wants to.
• Let the child help decorate the space. By picking out her own sheets or a poster to hang on the wall, she personalizes the space.
• He should have clothes in both spaces.
• She should be allowed to carry her things back and forth between two houses. This helps with the transition.
• Parents should cooperate in returning clothes and toys.
• Pick up and drop off should always be cordial, on time and upbeat. Save your hostility for court.
• Children should go with the non-custodial parent even when sick. This reinforces both parents’ ability to care for the child. It helps the child feel he is safe with both parents and part of a household. When we only send children when they are healthy, the message is that one parent is really the “reliable one.” It undermines the other parent and creates a “Disneyland Dad.”
• Rules and consequences should exist in both homes. Many non-custodial parents are afraid they will “ruin” visitation if they discipline the child. Parenting involves both discipline and respect. If you don’t want to feel like an outsider, don’t act like one.
• If possible, rules in both homes should be similar. If they differ, it is not the end of the world as long as each parent is consistent in their own home. Children learn at a very early age that there are different rules in different places – school, camp, church, grandma’s house. They can handle another difference as long as the rules are reliable and consistent in each environment.
• The child should be allowed to call the other parent, but should not be made to do so.

Consider showing this page to your child’s other parent as a way to open dialogue on how to make this transition as easy and stress free for the child as possible. Put aside all your hurt and angry feelings about the marriage and deal with your former spouse as your child’s parent, knowing that when your child has a good relationship with both of you, he/she will thrive.

©2009. Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC is a licensed psychotherapist in Connecticut. Her newest book, is available at bookstores everywhere, Amazon.com or at www.profileactics.com. This article is from her first book,  From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce which won an Honorable Mention Award by the Independent Publishers Association. To read more about the author and her work, please visit www.donnaferber.com.

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One of the most difficult things you will ever have to do as a parent is tell your children that their parents are breaking up. It is important that you shift your focus from your loss to your children’s loss. Divorce is about the dissolution of a husband-wife relationship. It marks a change in the parent-child relationship. Staying aware of this difference will help you effectively support your children. In talking with your children, stay focused on their feelings about this experience. If you focus on the spousal relationship, your own feelings may get in the way of good parenting.

Here are some tips for explaining the divorce to your children:

• If possible, both parents should be present. This illustrates to the children that you will still be able to co-parent.
• Tell them close to the time that one of the parents is planning to move out. Telling them months in advance doesn’t “prepare them.” It will only make them anxious and worried.
• Tell them calmly.
• Keep it age appropriate. Don’t give them information that is over their heads.
• Keep it short and sweet.
• Explain that divorce is between the adults and that parents do not divorce children.
• Ask for questions. Answer honestly with age-appropriate information. Don’t be afraid to say, “I don’t know the answer to that. When I do, I will tell you.” You don’t tell your children about marital issues, like your sex life or money problems. The details of divorce should also stay between the two of you.
• Explain to your children the ways the divorce will affect them directly, i.e., will you move, will they stay in the same schools, and so on.
• Remember that divorce begins for the children the day the living situation changes. On the day one parent leaves, that is the day their parents’ marriage ends.
• Allow for your children cry if they need to. It is important to let them grieve.
• Reassure them that you will not leave them, even if you are angry (which is some children’s biggest fear).
• Reassure them that you will always love them.
• Notify their teachers, scout leaders, karate instructor, and anyone else who has contact with your child, so they can be aware of and sensitive to your child’s needs.
• Be prepared for any and all reactions from, “that’s too bad, what’s for dinner?” to crying and yelling. Stay calm and be reassuring.
• Remember your children will be as healthy about this as you are. They will take their cues from you.
• Behave yourself! Keep your thoughts and feelings about your spouse to yourself. Recent research shows that it isn’t the divorce itself that damages children as much as the fighting, stonewalling, tension and icy silences between the parents.

Continue to talk with your children about the process. As it is with discussions about sex or drugs, you do not just have one conversation and feel you have done your job! This conversation is only the introduction. An ongoing dialogue and open attitude will go a long way in minimizing possible negative effects. Be there for your children through this difficult time. As uncomfortable as this may be for you, your children need your guidance and support.

Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC is a psychotherapist in Connecticut who works with families in transition. This article is adapted from her book, Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce which was awarded Honorable Mention in the self-help category by the Independent Publishers Association. Her second book Profileactics: A Guide for the Prevention of ill-Conceived Personal Ads was just published in October 2009. For more information, click here to go to her website.

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Jason C. Brown, the publisher of the Minnesota Divorce and Family Law Blog, recently posted a very practical article outlining some important steps to take if you are anticipating filing a divorce action. I am grateful that he has allowed me to repost it here. I concur with his wise “nuts and bolts” type suggestions. Remember the old adage, “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure”.  Plus, this “ounce of prevention” might well save you thousands of dollars in attorney fees!

Once you break the news of your desire to dissolve your marriage, interesting things may start happening at your house. Critical records and valuable items of personal property may suddenly vanish. It pays to be proactive to ensure that you have all the information you will need to move forward as efficiently as possible.

The wasted time and cost associated with hunting down missing documentation can be staggering. We’ve handled cases where everything from an expensive diamond ring to boxes of business records have taken a “vacation”. We almost always find them, but not without substantial effort. In cases where they are not found, the Court will impose substantial sanctions and assume the missing evidence is favorable to you.

To help avoid the mess, we’ve assembled a list of 12 things you should gather to ensure that you have all critical information in hand before your spouse has a chance to conceal, transfer or sell items. These include obtaining:

To help avoid the mess, we’ve assembled a list of 12 things you should gather to ensure that you have all critical information in hand before your spouse has a chance to conceal, transfer or sell items. These include obtaining:

Investing some time in gathering these items will ensure that your spouse cannot take advantage of you during the divorce process. The denial of the existence of an asset is a fraud upon the Court. Once your spouse knows that we have all of the key information in hand, they are far less likely to engage in bad faith conduct and be honest in their disclosures throughout the process!

If you believe that it is prudent in your case to copy a computer’s hard drive to preserve information, be sure you have a qualified professional undertake the task. It is very easy to accidentally run the “ghost drive” backwards and, in so doing, wipe out the original hard dhard drive! Not good at all!

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The date for your “non-contested” divorce hearing or your dissolution hearing has been set.  What is the appropriate attire for Court?  First, it is most important to recognize that the two (2) hearings set forth in the first sentence indicate that the case has been “settled” or “resolved”.  Basically, this means that neither party will be testifying against one another and that neither party has a large stake or investment in the Court’s impression of either party.

FOR MEN: A nice pair of slacks and a dress shirt or golf shirt would be appropriate. A sports coat or suit may be worn but certainly is not required.  Shoes and socks should be worn as “flip flops” are prohibited.  Likewise, it may be ninety degrees (90°) in August and hot/humid, but shorts are not permitted to be worn in the Courtroom. Other prohibited articles of clothing include tank tops, tee shirts, shirts reflecting foul or vulgar language or politically incorrect language, and hats.

FOR WOMEN: A dress, skirt and top, or slacks and a nice top would be appropriate. As in the paragraph above, it would not be appropriate to appear in Court in shorts, a halter top, or a skimpy tank top, or flip flops.

Example from “real life”– Several years ago, I attended a final divorce hearing in Greene County, Ohio.  The day was hot and sultry.  My client, the Husband, appeared in golfing attire wearing shorts.  We were given two options: (1) reschedule the final hearing to a later date; or (2) have Husband obtain a pair of slacks.  Husband elected to go to the local K-Mart and select a pair of slacks.  He returned to the Court in slacks with the price tags being apparent.  I asked him if the tags should be removed before we entered the Courtroom.  He responded that he did not want to remove the tags as he planned to return the slacks to K-Mart following the divorce hearing!

The proper and/or appropriate attire for either party changes dramatically if the parties are facing a “contested” divorce and/or custody hearing, wherein each would be on the witness stand for protracted periods of time and, wherein, their appearances would certainly be scrutinized by the Court.

FOR MEN: Same as above; however, a sports coat or suit could be worn but would not be considered mandatory.  If the Husband/Father is seeking custody of his child or children, he would want to be dressed conservatively…nothing too flashy, nothing too out-of-the ordinary. For example, if a young Husband is seeking custody of his child/children, he could receive “negative” points if he appeared in Court in non-traditional attire such as Black Gothic Style clothing or wildly colored hair.  Remember, that most Judges are older conservative individuals.  If the Husband/Father has an abundance of tattoos, I would definitely suggest that he consider wearing a long-sleeved shirt to “cover” the tattoos!  Also, it would be advisable for the client to remove evidence of body piercings….ears, lips, nose, eyebrows, etc.

FOR WOMEN: The main point to remember……..you do not want to appear in Court as Sharon Stone appeared in “Basic Instinct”!  This is not the time to appear to be “hot” or “sexy” especially if you are seeking custody of your child or children.  You want to appear stable, sensible, warm and loving. Soft colors are better than bright and vibrant colors.  Longer skirt lengths are better than short skirt lengths! You do not want to wear anything that would be considered “too short, too skimpy, too wild, too bold, or too sexy”.

I advise my clients to dress appropriately for Court. Dress as you would for church or an important job interview.  If you are in the armed services, wearing your military attire is a very safe choice. If you look sloppy or inappropriate, the Judge or Magistrate may believe that you are showing or displaying a lack of respect for the Court.  You have but one opportunity to create that “first impression”! So, consider these “do’s and don’ts” in advance of your Court date and make a good impression with the Judge.

Also, if you will be going to Court soon, please read our prior article from July of 2008, “10 Ways to Alienate the Judge” by clicking here. Looking good can only take you so far! Don’t make any of these other faux pas in court!

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If this is your first Christmas since the separation and divorce, the anticipation can fill you with sadness and trepidation. Here are some solid, easy tips to help make the holidays less painful and hopefully, maybe, even (surprisingly!) enjoyable!

Let go of traditions that no longer work for you. This is an opportunity to re-invent your holidays. Keep the traditions that you enjoy and get rid of the ones that you don’t. No one expects you to be on your best behavior during this time, so you can probably pull it off without anyone getting too upset.

Stick to your regular routine as closely as possible. Sleep, exercise, eat well and don’t skip those therapy appointments.

Don’t use money, alcohol, food, or sex to deal with pain and sadness. These indulgences will leave you poor, hung over, fat, and guilty on December 26th.

Don’t be afraid to do something different. Go away or stay home, but take a risk to use the holidays to try something different.

Most people are depressed around the holidays. Expectations are often the fuel that feeds that “let down” feeling. Instead of focusing on what isn’t, focus on what is and what can be.

Don’t make New Year’s resolutions. We hardly ever keep them. Then we feel like failures and have one more thing to beat ourselves up about. Instead ask yourself, “What have I learned this year about myself and about life?” Then, if you feel really ambitious, focus on how you can use that information to enhance the coming year.

Volunteer. Nothing makes us feel more valuable and grateful than working with those who have less.

Remember that Christmas is only one day. Anyone can get through one day! One year from now, when you will look back on this holiday season, you will be amazed at how far you’ve come.

How important is this? Sometimes things seem more important than they really are. Ask yourself this: Will this matter to me one year from now? Will I even REMEMBER it?

Take the high road. Just because someone else behaves badly doesn’t mean you have to. “Giving them a dose of their own medicine” only ups the ante and escalates the conflict. Do you really want someone else to dictate how to behave? You may not like what others do, but you can like what you do. Behaving with dignity enhances self-esteem.

Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC is a psychotherapist in Connecticut who works with families in transition. This article is adapted from her book, Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce which was awarded Honorable Mention in the self-help category by the Independent Publishers Association. Her second book Profileactics: A Guide for the Prevention of ill-Conceived Personal Ads was just published in October 2009. More information, click here to go to her website.

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As we are now into the month of November, it is not too early for divorced and divorcing parents to look ahead to the upcoming Christmas Holiday.  Here are some “tips” regarding the “nuts and bolts” of handling the Christmas holiday season.

1. Read and examine the Parenting Time Schedule for your particular County which should be attached as part of your Final Decree or Court Judgment.  The Domestic Relations Court and Juvenile Court of each County have differing schedules. If your parenting time schedule has been lost or misplaced, you can obtain a replacement from your attorney’s office or the clerk where your order was filed.

   For example, Montgomery County, Ohio, has the following provision as to the Christmas Break:

   In all even-numbered years, the Mother shall have the children from 9:00 a.m. the day after school recesses (or 9:00 a.m. on December 20 if the children are not in school), until 9:00 p.m. December 24, and the Father shall have the children from 9:00 p.m. December 24 through 6:00 p.m. January 1.  In odd-numbered years, the reverse shall apply.

   And, Greene County, Ohio, has the following provision as to Christmas Break:

   In all even-numbered years, the Mother shall have the children from 9:00 a.m. the day after school recesses until 12:00 noon December 26, and the Father shall have the children from 12:00 noon December 26 through 6:00 p.m. the day before school resumes.  In all odd-numbered years, the reverse schedule shall apply.

2. Plan your Christmas Schedule with family members according to the Parenting Time Schedule that is in place for you.  For example, if you are to have the children from December 20 to December 24 (Montgomery County, Ohio),  do not invite your parents or extended family members to your home to celebrate Christmas with you and the children on December 25 and expect your former spouse or estranged spouse to agree to your request to have the children on Christmas Day.
3. Remember that children truly are resilient!  Christmas Eve does not have to be celebrated on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day does not have to be celebrated on December 25 of each year.  You and your children are free to celebrate the holiday when you have the children in your care and custody…..it is “okay”  to celebrate the holiday early, and it is entirely acceptable to celebrate the holiday “after” the holiday.  You merely say to the children and the relatives…..this is Father’s year to have the children for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day so I am inviting you to celebrate the Christmas holiday on December 26 or even December 27.
4. If you have extended family members that absolutely can not comply with your Parenting Time Schedule for a given year, reach out to the ex-spouse or the estranged spouse to see if he or she would be willing to trade visitation time so that the children do not miss visitation with grandparents and/or extended family.Example: Due to my parents’ work schedules, they can not arrive in Dayton before December 26. You are scheduled to have the children from December 26^th through the first of the year.  Would you be willing to have visitation with the children for this year from December 20 through December 25 so that my parents could have time with the children the latter part of the Christmas holiday period.
5. Treat your former spouse and/or your estranged spouse with respect and kindness (if at all possible!).  You are much more likely to obtain compromise and flexibility in parenting time schedules if you are open and willing to compromise and adapt to change.
6. Assume that your children are your first priority and that their happiness and well-being is of paramount importance.  This may remove the battle over whether Wife “wins” or whether Husband “wins” in visitation matters.
7. If you anticipate there is going to be a “problem” with parenting time this year,   there is little time to wait to file a motion with the Court to seek its intervention. Such a motion would need to be filed immediately to try to secure a hearing date before the holiday.

In my opinion, there are really no “winners” in divorce proceedings…..a family unit has been lost!  In the best of situations, the parents of the children of divorce will cooperate with one another to achieve a workable parenting time schedule to meet the needs of the minor children of the parties.

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