Top Ten List of “Things To Do” Following a Divorce Proceeding!

Similar to David Letterman’s Top Ten Lists, many family blog sites have postings regarding the top ten “Things to Do” following a divorce proceeding. This is my list of priority items to accomplish after the filing of the Final Judgment and Decree of Divorce.

TOP 10 THINGS TO DO “AFTER” A DIVORCE 

Number 1: Read, study, examine, and explore the terms of your Final Decree. Make a list of those things Husband is to do and a list of those items Wife is to do. No one is available to “police” the terms of your Final Decree. If you do not receive a lump sum payment or if you do not receive the title to the car you are driving, or if you do not receive your share of the other spouse’s retirement benefits, no one knows that until or unless you bring it to the attention of your counsel and the Court. Your counsel can then write letters to the opposing counsel to determine if compliance shall be forthcoming or if a Motion to Show Cause is appropriate.

Number 2: Take steps to establish a workable budget. You have just left a marital relationship wherein there may have been two incomes to support one household. You are now entering a situation where there are two households to maintain with much less income available for each household. Many of my clients do not care for this advice, but…it may be necessary to look for part-time employment during the weekends that the children spend with the other spouse. And, it may be necessary to consider whether you could be available to provide day-care services for other parents before or after school for additional income. These are difficult times for all of us!

Number 3: Take a look at your Last Will and Testament, life insurance policies, and any accounts having a designated beneficiary. During “happy times” you may have designated your spouse to be the beneficiary of your estate, life insurance proceeds, and certain accounts having a designated beneficiary. It is very important that you change those documents to accurately reflect the person or persons you are choosing post-Divorce to receive benefits from you in the event of your untimely demise.

Number 4: If you are the Ex-Wife and if you have chosen to be restored to your maiden or former name, you must take care of certain details. Be certain to advise the Social Security Administration and to obtain a new Social Security Card, to advise the Bureau of Motor Vehicles and obtain a new driver’s license, and to advise any and all banks and credit card companies with whom you conduct business of your change in name. If you are a registered voter or a user of a lending library, you will have to notify the Office of Voter Registration and the specific lending library of your change in name. If you have minor children and/or if you have an established professional name, you may want to retain your married name so that you retain the same last name as your children and so that you have continuity with your business contacts. For example, in my personal situation, I had practiced law in the geographical area of Dayton, Ohio, for nine (9) years at the time of my divorce. I was “known” or “identified” in the Dayton community as R. Anne Shale. If I had changed my name to R. Anne McClure, no one would have recognized who I “was”!!

Number 5: Consult with a tax professional. If you are the Ex-Wife and if you shall be receiving spousal support which is taxable income to you, consult with an individual or a business specializing in the preparation of personal income tax returns, so that you are prepared for the income tax consequences of your receipt of spousal support. Ideally, the income tax specialist would assist you with the payment of quarterly income taxes so that you would not be “hit” with the need to pay income taxes on the receipt of your annual spousal support at the end of the year.

Number 6: Be certain that all joint banking accounts and all joint credit card accounts, to include debit card accounts, are closed! You do not want the ex-spouse to be able to make purchases on joint accounts after the divorce has taken place.

Number 7: Follow-up with the completion of all necessary paperwork if you are to receive continuation of health insurance benefits via COBRA (“Consolidated Omnibus Budget Reconciliation Act”). This will be a very important task as you do not want to lose your health insurance benefits.

Number 8: Take an assessment of the friends and companions with whom you associate. Are they positive and supportive? Are they bitter, negative, pessimistic, and/or depressive? If they are in the first category, keep them and cultivate the relationships. If they are in the second category, consider changing friendships and relationships. You are entering a new “phase” or “stage” of your life. You do not want “negativism” and “bitterness” to be the focus for this next stage of your life.

Number 9: If you are feeling overwhelmed with the tasks of life, if you are not sleeping well, if you are not feeling well, if you are depressed, sad, and/or teary…..seek counseling with a mental health therapist. You need to take care of “you” so that you can return to being a happy and productive member of society and to return to being a person who enjoys life.

Number 10: Do something positive for you and your feeling of well-being! Consider some change in your appearance…a change in make-up and/or hair style. Purchase some new clothing, new shoes…to enhance your appearance. Think about joining a fitness club or spa. Consider walking, running, biking…any physical activity to get you to be more fit and physically healthy!

A “break up” of a marriage is a traumatic event in one’s life….the demise of the relationship generates a multitude of problems and questions about what will happen now. Be smart and responsible in your divorce transition planning! This is the new start, and regardless of whether you wanted it or not, seize the opportunity for future stability and happiness!

If you would like more information or advice from this Dayton Ohio Attorney blogger, R. Anne Shale, please click here.

Tips on how technology can be used as a tool for parents

Five-year-old Landon loves for his Aunt Michelle to read him bedtime stories. He snuggles in his bed with his special blanket and an extra pillow and gets all comfortable while he follows along with his favorite book. This bedtime routine occurs every few weeks, even though his aunt lives hundreds of miles away. Landon and his aunt are connected by a video conference call with a camera easily installed on any computer. He watches and listens to his aunt on a laptop computer as she reads to him.

Staying connected with family has always been extremely important to Michelle, a young professional with a busy travel schedule. When her nephew was a few years old, she purchased web cameras for family members at Christmas. Using a free video conference service (Skype.com) she began having regular contact with her nephew. He wasn’t very good at speaking on the phone, but he loved to show off his latest projects from preschool. “Technology is not a replacement for me,” said Michelle, “but it has allowed me to stay connected and be an active part of his life even though I am not physically there.”

Technology has historically been both romanticized as a deity and criticized as a demon. When the automobile became popular, there were serious concerns about pollution and safety. While we can’t imagine life without our cars, this technology comes at a high cost. There are more than 1 million car-related deaths worldwide every year and 20 to 50 million injuries. The automobile remains a major source of worldwide pollution.

Few people are willing to give up their smartphones, computers or cars, so the question becomes how to use technology to enhance our family life. Here’s what I’m learning from families in my office:

1. Power down at mealtimes. This means no television, computers or texting. This is the time to really connect with each other without the technological distractions that can be so overwhelming throughout the day.
2. No computers in kids’ bedrooms until at least high school. Please trust me on this one. The risks just aren’t worth it. Keep computers in public areas of your house, and regularly monitor their usage.
3. Limit or eliminate television viewing on school nights. You’ll be amazed at the impact this will have on your family. Kids play games, become creative, and interact with us and their siblings.
4. No social media networks until at least high school, and supervise their use. Many kids just don’t have the impulse control to adequately control this technology, and the effects on them and others can be substantial.
5. Supervise cellphone use, including texting. You need to be guided by the maturity of your child, but irresponsible behavior should result in increased supervision.
6. Learn about technology. Don’t be afraid of texting, video-conferencing, iPads, or Facebook. They are fun and great ways to stay connected with your kids.

Gregory Ramey, Ph.D., is a child psychologist and vice president for outpatient services at the Children’s Medical Center of Dayton. For more of his columns, visit www.childrensdayton.org/ramey and join Dr. Ramey on facebook at www.facebook.com/drgregramey.

[Reprinted by permission from the October 16, 2011, edition of the Dayton Daily News, “Parents should

Research published last month in Child Trends reported that happy marriages generally result in happy children. I was asked by a reader if children with any type of physical, emotional or developmental problems cause unhappy marriages.

Research has focused on parents raising children with such problems as Attention Deficit Disorder, Autism Spectrum Disorder and similar types of disabilities. The research findings have been ambiguous, with some studies finding a higher rate of divorce among such parents, and with others documenting no real differences. However, it’s clear that raising a special-needs child can result in a severe strain on a marriage. Here’s how successful marriages navigate these problems.

1. Put your marriage first. A child with any type of disability demands more time and attention than other children. Good parents naturally want to meet those special needs, but that may result in neglecting your spouse. Healthy relationships take time and work, so it takes an extra effort by both spouses to be attentive to the needs of their marriage partner.
2. Create a “no talk about children” zone. I recently learned about this technique from one of my clients. She found that virtually every conversation with her spouse revolved around some issue with the kids. They established a routine time every week when they are alone and prohibited themselves from talking about the children. This structure has provided both parents with the opportunity to stay connected with each other as people, not just as parents. I like this idea a lot.
3. Maintain your own hobbies and interests. Do something on a routine basis just for you. This makes you a better spouse and a better parent.
4. Talk with your spouse. While communication is a key attribute in all healthy marriages, it is essential if your child has any type of special problems. These youngsters typically have many issues involving their academic progress, medical or psychological therapies, or just increased challenges getting through the day. Dealing with these problems should not fall on one parent, typically a mom, to negotiate and resolve. Parenting is a team endeavor.
5. Don’t let your child’s behavior control your happiness. Many years ago I was a teacher in a classroom of severely disturbed and delayed children. I became close to several of the parents, and asked them how they maintained such a positive and cheerful disposition in spite of their children’s severe problems. They remarked that while their children were extremely important, they refused to allow their kids’ behavior to determine their happiness. They always tried to focus on positive things in their lives.

By the way, what group of parents are least likely to divorce? Couples who marry when they are older than 25, come from an intact family, have a religious affiliation, make more than $50,000 a year, wait until after marriage to have a baby and have attended college have the lowest divorce rate.

Gregory Ramey, Ph.D., is a child psychologist and vice president for outpatient services at the Children’s Medical Center of Dayton. For more of his columns, visit www.childrensdayton.org/ramey and join Dr. Ramey on facebook at www.facebook.com/drgregramey.

[Reprinted by permission from the May 8, 2011, edition of the Dayton Daily News, “Do Challenging Children Cause a Bad Marriage?” Family Wise, Gregory Ramey, PhD]

My wife and I have raised two (2) sons and we personally experienced the terror of a child becoming lost in a public place.  Fortunately, ours ended like most of these situations with our son being located and returned safely.  So, that being said, I want to thank Keith Kepler, the Vice President and General Manager at AlliedBarton Security Services, for sending the Ohio Family Law Blog these important tips about protecting our children from becoming lost or missing. I think that his advice is spot-on.  Please take a moment and read his practical suggestions:

A lost child is a parent’s worst nightmare.  As families plan to spend more time outdoors, on vacation and in busy public places this summer, it is important to be prepared. A survey of parents by the Center to Prevent Lost Children showed that 90 percent of families will experience losing a child in a public place at least once, and 20 percent said it has happened more than once.  The United States Department of Justice reports that more than 300,000 children become temporarily lost for at least one hour, but the good news is that a majority of those children are quickly found and not harmed.

It is important to try to prevent a child from getting lost but even more important that the child knows what to do if they do get lost.  Preparing yourself and a child can make this frightening situation become a bit easier for everyone involved.  Remember that amusement parks and vacation spots are not the only places where children can get separated from their parents.

What to do if my Child Becomes Lost at a Public Place?

• Before you go anywhere, talk to your family about what to do if someone gets lost. Discuss a designated place to go if you get lost or advise children to stay right where they are when they feel that they are lost.  Tell children to find a security officer, police officer, or an employee if you are in a public place, or remind them they can ask another mom with kids for help.
• Prepare your children so that they can identify themselves. For younger children, have their identification information in their pocket.  If they are old enough to speak and can relay the information, practice reciting your phone number with them, and let them know they can always call 911.
• For younger children, or when clothes don’t have pockets, be creative.  Make a bracelet out of numbered beads or write your phone number inside a shirt collar or on a shirt tag with a fabric marker.
• Dress children in brightly colored clothing so that they can easily be spotted.  Lemon yellow and lime green are the suggested colors because they easily attract the eye.  You might also have a piece of clothing that is only worn when the child goes out in public so you can easily remember what they are wearing.
• Use your cell phone to take a photo of your child before you leave home or when you arrive at your destination.  This will help police find a lost child because they will be aware of exactly what the child is wearing, and how they look that day.
• Positive reinforcement is the best way to prevent a child from wandering away from you when you are in a public place.  Speak with your child about stranger danger, and remind them of the importance of staying with you.

Sometimes children do get lost, and it is easy for parents and guardians to forget what to do in this scary situation.  Many public places have standard procedures of what to do when a child is missing, so make sure authorities and the venue’s management are notified that the child is lost.  Authorities will be able to help because they are familiar with the area’s surroundings, and could have the capability to lockdown buildings or issue an alert.

What to do if my Child Becomes Lost at Home?

• If you are at home, search your house first before going outside.  Be sure to look in the most common hiding and play spots first.  Check closets, laundry baskets and piles of clothes, in and under beds, in large appliances, in vehicles and other areas where the child may hide or play.
• If you still can’t find the child in the home, call 911 to notify them and let them know if you feel the child is in any danger.  Police departments would rather be aware of the situation and called back when the child is found, rather than wasting valuable minutes to find the child.  Time is crucial once a child has been separated from you.
• Stay calm.  Screaming the child’s name won’t help you locate the child any faster if they are not close by.  Plus yelling the child’s name could lure the wrong type of person to your child who may be screaming back for you.
• Make sure the phone number your child knows, preferably a cell phone, is on and is receiving a signal.  Also, be sure to have a close family member or neighbor near your home phone so that you can stay in the area where the child was last seen.

Just like any other emergency plan, it is important to review and practice your family’s strategy if a child gets lost.  Children can be better prepared to know what to do in the situation, and will feel more confident that they will be reunited with their family if they understand the family’s “lost” procedures.

About Keith Kepler: Mr. Kepler is the Vice President and General Manager at AlliedBarton Security Services which is a premier provider of highly trained security personnel to many industries including higher education, commercial real estate, healthcare, residential communities, chemical/petrochemical, government, manufacturing and distribution, financial institutions, and shopping centers.  AlliedBarton has over 50,000 employees and 100 offices located across the United States.

Summers can be a difficult time for parents separated from their children for extended periods of time.  Ann Dunnewold, Ph.D., author of Even June Cleaver Would Forget the Juice Box, gave the following tips to Parenting magazine about ways to keep in contact with children away from home during the summer:

1. Use your cell phone. Although the idea of entrusting a cellular device to your 6-year old (never mind kids younger than that) is appalling to many parents, allowing a child to have access to his or her mother or father’s voice is a simple and effective way to stay connected.  If the babysitter or another parent is with the child while you are not, simply ask them to cooperate and lend the child their phone.  A study conducted at University of Wisconsin-Madison shows that girls who talked to their mothers via phone felt calmer and happier as those whose mothers were physically available for hugs.  Hearing a parent’s voice lowers a child’s cortisol (stress hormone) and released oxytocin, a hormone associated with physical contact. 
2. Make a recording. If you know you’re going to be stuck in a closed conference all day, make a recording of yourself reading your child’s favorite story or singing his or her favorite song and have it available for the child to hear.
3. Log on to Skype. If you can’t, leave videos of yourself for your child to watch whenever he or she wants.  This is similar to the voice recording tactic.
4. Hang around. Even if you can’t stay, leave your scarf, cardigan, or something the child associates with you with him or her.  Make sure it’s an item the child has seen you wearing often.  This method isn’t effective if you simply dig out an old sweater from the closet.  The item should smell, feel, and look familiar to the child.

Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC, a Connecticut psychotherapist and frequent guest contributor to our Ohio Family Law Blog, has expanded upon Dr. Dunnewold’s excellent suggestions.  Hers are especially geared toward divorced parents and how they can help their child adjust to spending extended time away from one parent during summer vacation.

Here is Donna Ferber’s additional advice:

When dealing with parents who have had an acrimonious divorce, the cell phone is occasionally used as a weapon. For example, the parent may repeatedly call the child, disrupting activities and often upsetting the child and infuriating the other parent. The phone should be used solely to reassure the child, not as revenge to ruin your ex spouse’s time with his/her child. Also, calling your child and whining about how lonely you are and how much you miss them, or just as bad, telling them all the wonderful things they are missing, is an example of how the phone can be misused. Parents must always remember to put the child’s need first; and when you use the phone to disrupt your ex’s good time, you also ruin your child’s good time.

Some children do not like to talk on the phone and will offer monosyllabic answers. ” Uh-huh,” “Nope” are often disappointing to the parent who longs for more connection during the phone calls. Rather than feel rejected, be reassured and happy that your child is having fun. Set up agreed times to call the child with the other parent PRIOR to the vacation. One call a day is more than enough for everyone involved.

Children also can use the phone as a weapon. “I want to call mommy and tell her you are bad because you won’t let me have more ice cream!” is an example of how a child can misuse the phone to create tension and take inappropriate power. Keep to the preset schedule. Calmly remind the child they can speak to the other parent at the agreed time.

Remember when you Skype, set up time prior to the vacation, but be flexible. The vacationing parent should not be asked to cut short a fun activity to rush to the computer for a Skype date. When you do Skype, stay upbeat and keep it short. Your goal is to support the child, not make him/her homesick. And never use these conversations, either on the phone or Skype, to interrogate the child about the parent’s behavior.

Lastly, think about what our parents did to keep connected with us prior to the age of technology. Whether we went for an extended visit to friends or family or to camp, remember how postcards, greeting cards and care packages gave us something to look forward to, keep and share with others. Many adults I know saved their letters and cards from camp, creating a journal of that experience. E-mails do not offer the same personal touch.  Many camps discouraged phone calls as they were disruptive and that remains true today, so use the phone mindfully recognizing it can harm rather than help. Finally, if you do send a care package , make sure that you include enough for the child to share. While you may have issues with the adults vacationing with your child, your child has a right to share the joy of your gift as he/she chooses.

©2011. Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC is a psychotherapist in private practice in Connecticut. She is the author of From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce which won Honorable Mention by the Independent Publishers Association. For more information on her work or to read her blog, please visit www.donnaferber.com

Your decision to create life was born in the unrestrained optimism that having children would help make your existence worthwhile. Perhaps you came from a wonderful family and wanted to give to others the gifts of love, compassion and happiness. Maybe your own childhood was not pleasant, and you wanted children to help make up for an upbringing that was filled more with distress than delight.

You did all the right things. You found a spouse that was not only a great person but also someone you felt would be a superb parent. You waited until you were financially secure, and prepared yourself by reading endless articles and talking with your friends.

However, when you actually did have your first child, you came to an uneasy insight that many parents feel but are reluctant to verbalize — raising children takes more work and you get less satisfaction than you anticipated.

For some parents, there is yet another dilemma. They are not emotionally connected to their child. Perhaps you rarely hear from your son in college. Maybe you feel you have absolutely nothing in common with your 8-year-old daughter and find work more rewarding than she is.

Perhaps you are counting the days until your teen graduates and you can resume a life without tension and turmoil.

What should you do?

Acknowledge reality. You need to first acknowledge your own feelings that you are not connected with your child and perhaps even that you don’t like him or her. Talk this over with your spouse. Try to gain some understanding of how and why this happened. Accept the reality that not all parents feel a strong bond with all of their children.

In many situations, parents tell me their feelings are based upon the many problems they had raising a particular child. My mantra as a therapist, parent and person is “Scars remind us of where we have been. They do not have to dictate where we are going.”

Reach out. Once you have accepted the reality that your relationship with your child may never meet your expectations, be willing to settle for something less. Find something in common with your child and put forth the effort to stay connected. Text your son in college that you were thinking about him after you saw a movie he might have liked. Ask your youngster’s opinion about something that you think matters to him.

Never give up. Here’s the really hard part. Your efforts to connect may be met by hostility or ignoring. After a while, you may be tempted to just psychologically walk away.

Don’t ever give up on your child. Continue to reach out in different ways, and communicate love and interest.

This is one of the toughest issues confronted by parents. This may not be a problem you can ever solve, but you can make the situation much better with insight and focused attention.

Gregory Ramey, Ph.D., is a child psychologist and vice president for outpatient services at the Children’s Medical Center of Dayton. To sign up to receive Dr. Ramey’s Family Wise monthly E-newsletter, click here. For more of his columns, visit www.childrensdayton.org/ramey and join Dr. Ramey on facebook at www.facebook.com/drgregramey.

[Reprinted by permission from the March 20, 2011, edition of the Dayton Daily News, “Parents can experience disconnect from children”, Family Wise, Gregory Ramey, PhD]

Attorney Diana Mercer sent me these tips in her newsletter on January 19, 2011. Her points are excellent and certainly worth repeating. They really made me chuckle because they are spot on! I have also had an opportunity to read the recent book she co-authored with Kate Jane Wennechuk titled Making Divorce Work: 8 Essential Keys in Resolving Conflicts and Rebuilding your Life, available on Amazon. It is excellent! I whole-heartedly recommend it! To learn more about the book, please take a look at the video about it which I have attached at the end of the article. Thanks Diana for your attempts to bring sanity to the chaos of divorce…

Tip # 1

Organize nothing. Either bring none of your financial records or requested documents to your attorney’s office or court hearing, or bring all your financial records in a paper sack overflowing with miscellaneous papers.

Take no responsibility for any aspect of your case. Procrastinate getting documents together and ask your lawyer to handle even the simplest stuff because you don’t have time and, of course, money is no object.

Tip #2

Call your lawyer repeatedly, ideally several times a day, and ask the same question over and over and over again.  Never write down his or her response, and never follow the lawyer’s advice and instructions.  Ditto for your therapist.

Tip #3

Make sure you’re blinded by anger and surrounded by friends who agree with you completely. In fact, make sure your closest friends encourage you to get retribution by doing things like slashing your ex’s tires and throwing their possessions on the lawn.  Gossip nonstop to anyone who will listen, including strangers.

Refuse to see a therapist or reach out for help.  Continue to mine the unresolved relationship issues for tidbits that will inspire you to new levels of anxiety and revenge fantasies.

Tip #4

Hire the fanciest, sharky-est, most expensive lawyer in town even if you have few assets and mostly debts.  Be sure to call and complain and make demands every day.

Tip #5

If you owe your lawyer money, pay small sums at a time or nothing at all on your ever-growing bill.  Get into terse discussions with your lawyer about the additional work you’d like done while your over-due bill remains unpaid.  Make them chase you for their fees and threaten not to pay. You want to be sure that the entire office staff rolls their eyes when they see your file and that your lawyer gets in a bad mood every time he or she thinks about working on your case.

Refuse to pay experts like accountants and appraisers needed for your case until months into the process.  Force them to do their reports at the last minute, and be slow to get them required documents and slow to answer their questions.

Tip #6

If your relationship is deteriorating daily, be sure and continue to stay in the same house to save money.  As tensions escalate, threaten to call the police, and eventually call 911.  Flip a coin to see who gets arrested and spends the night in jail.  If you’re especially lucky, you both will.

Tip #7

Refuse to speak to your spouse except through attorneys. Don’t talk settlement until the court forces you to do so.  Say things like, “It’s the principal that matters!” particularly if you have a limited amount of money to spend on your divorce.

Refuse to think seriously about settlement proposals and just ask for everything.  Maintain that everything is equally important, from the $12 candle holders to your retirement plan.

Tip #8

Demand that your lawyer file as much legal paperwork as possible even if you don’t really understand its purpose or what it is. Keep giving your spouse a hard time and running up his or her legal bills as your top priority. Completely ignore the fact that you’re paying for this work, too.

Become paranoid and hire a private investigator to follow your spouse around even though you live in a state where fault either doesn’t matter at all or influences the settlement very little.  Never be satisfied that you know enough about your finances to make a good decision.  Just ask for more and more documentation even though you never review what was already provided.

Tip #9

Blame your spouse for everything. Maintain your martyr status by emphasizing all of the terrible things that have happened, while maintaining that you were (and are) completely innocent and oblivious. Revel in your victim status and tell anyone who will listen.

Tip #10

Go to court over even the smallest issue. File as many motions and requests for hearings as possible, and always refuse to settle anything in advance.  Spend your time milling around in the court hallway waiting for the judge to get to your case while he or she hears the 15 cases ahead of yours.  If you do decide to talk settlement while you’re waiting, be sure and nit-pick every detail, agree to an issue and then change your mind.  If you do settle in the hallway, make sure it’s last minute and written up hastily because you want to make sure that there are plenty of misunderstandings about interpretation and what your agreements meant later on so, that you can go back to court again. And again. And again.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CqKMUs5yQtg

Joel Goodman of the Humor Project in Saratoga Springs, New York, says, “Humor is what lubricates life.” Humor can help you deal with all the stressors in your life. Humor cannot erase the situation, but it can take the sting out of many things, thus reducing their negative impact. In order for humor to be curative in your life, you need to find your own laugh button. Remember, divorce is one part of your life, don’t make it your whole life!

Jennie remarked recently how surprised she was that she could still feel joy taking a walk on a beautiful autumn morning, even though she felt devastated by her divorce. Nurture those feelings of joy, laughter, and wonder. Laughter is not just a luxury; it is a vital piece in the healing process. It is especially important during times of stress. It provides our body, heart, and mind with a welcome and necessary reprieve. It just doesn’t feel good, it actually IS good. Laughter changes the chemicals our body secretes-Endorphins boost feelings of well being and peace.

Creating humor from a stressful situation gives you the opportunity to experience a shift in perspective. No one is suggesting that you become a stand-up comic. In fact, no one else has to think it is funny. What is important is that you create a scenario or image that feels funny to you. If putting donkey ears and a big mustache on photos of your estranged makes you feel better, then go ahead and do it! (Of course, no one has to see it).

Tips for bringing humor into your life:

• Read the funnies, watch a television comedy, rent a funny movie.
• Keep a humor journal.
• Tell a joke or a funny story.
• Learn to laugh at yourself.
• Try to see the funny side in situations.
• Exaggerate.
• Use humor to handle anxiety or anger.
• Make up a comedy routine.
• Hang out with happy people.
• Smile even when you don’t feel like it.
• Create or adopt a theme song.

Bill Cosby said, “If you can laugh at it, you can survive it.”

Make a conscious effort to bring laughter back into your life by trying one of the above suggestions or one of your own. Do it even if it feels silly! That’s the point of it!

©2010. Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC, is a licensed psychotherapist in Connecticut. Her newest book is available at bookstores everywhere, Amazon.com or at www.profileactics.com. This article is from her first book, From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce, which won an Honorable Mention Award by the Independent Publishers Association. To read more about the author and her work, please visit www.donnaferber.com

Many of us actually prefer to stay home on New Year’s Eve or spend the night with friends rather than get all dressed up to trudge through snowy, icy weather, only to eat and drink too much! Yet, the fantasy of this night still seems to hold many captive. The notion of “being alone” on New Year’s Eve makes an otherwise strong, capable, independent adult feel like a gawky 13-year-old wallflower! How is it that one can be spending New Year’s Eve with friends, family, and children, but without a date, will say, “I am alone”?

It is time to shake off those old myths about New Year’s Eve! Not having a “date” on New Year’s Eve is not an indication of social incompetence; it is simply a change. If this is your first New Year’s Eve without your spouse, then this is your first New Year’s Eve as a single person. While you certainly have suffered the pain of a loss, there is also much to look forward to. This is a New Year and a new beginning, and it is worth celebrating! Here are some ideas to get you thinking about your options.

• A quiet night at home with videos, take-out food, and your kids.
• A girl’s night in. Have a couple of friends sleep over–give each other pedicures and facials. (Men are less likely to do this but may want to try it!)
• Going out with friends, celebrating friendship with dinner and a good movie.
• A progressive dinner. Each house makes a different course of the meal and you move with your friends from house to house.
• A house party where each of your single friends brings another single friend. This is a great way to network with other singles.
• A get-together with other single parents and their kids.
• Journal about all the things you learned in the old year and all the things you hope for in the New Year.
• Go away skiing or take a cruise. Look for last minute travel deals on the Internet.
• Check into the local Marriott or Holiday Inn with your kids. The big hotel chains often offer package deals and kids love the big indoor pools.
• Ignore the whole thing and go to bed early after eating a pint of chocolate chip ice cream and watching Sleepless in Seattle.(While men may do this, they are less likely to admit it.)

The point is this: You have options that you may have not had before. Rather than focusing on what is lost, consider what may be found! Try something new. It doesn’t have to be a big, expensive, risky venture. You don’t need to jump out of a plane or buy a sports car to feel adventurous. Small changes can empower us and can help you feel more confident!  Most importantly, whatever you do (or don’t do), take a few moments at the start of this New Year to feel gratitude and hope -not just for the things you have, but for the strength you have found within YOU!

©2010. Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC, is a licensed psychotherapist in Connecticut. Her newest book is available at bookstores everywhere, Amazon.com or at www.profileactics.com. This article is from her first book, From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce, which won an Honorable Mention Award by the Independent Publishers Association. To read more about the author and her work, please visit www.donnaferber.com

Obtaining a divorce or dissolution is a process which often needs to be broken down into stages. Once you have reached the stage when you know that the marriage is “over”, you will need to then start the process of finding a divorce lawyer. Don’t overlook the importance of this step! There are a lot of divorce lawyers out there and finding the “right” one for you can be critically important. To read our suggestions about that subject click here to read the first part of our article about how to select a divorce lawyer and click here to read the conclusion of that article.

It is always a good idea to interview several lawyers. So, once you have the appointment scheduled, what should you consider bringing? Being prepared for that initial conference is important. Recognize that you may be nervous or emotional, so having a list of all your assets, liabilities and questions is a must.

Depending upon your issues and the facts of your case, here is a list of items to consider bringing to that initial meeting:

• Prenuptial Agreement – a copy of yours if you signed one;
• Pay Stubs – try to bring at least the last 3 pay stubs for both you and your spouse (besides income, these will also show any bonuses or commissions, employment expense compensation, retirement deductions, and health benefits);
• Tax Returns - include W-2s, 1099s and other documentation of income for both you and your spouse for the past 3 years (besides showing how much you and your spouse have each earned, tax returns can show us investment accounts, pension plans, and income property);
• Credit Card Statements - copies of  your most recent statement for all credit card accounts;
• Personal Debts/Loans – copies of any other debts, notes, or loans signed by you or your spouse to anyone, including family members;
• Recent Bank Statements – for the checking and savings accounts of both spouses (these provide information on loans, direct deposits and current balances);
• Vehicle Information – copies of titles, registrations and any loans (we will also need this info for any autos, motorcycles, boats, RVs, or motor homes you may own);
• Stock Certificates, Bonds or Other Investments – copies of any documents or a recent statement which you or your spouse may have indicating ownership;
• Real Estate Documentation – any deeds or mortgage statements with the approximate pay-off for property currently owned by either you and your spouse;
• IRA, 401(k), or other Retirement and/or Pension Plans – recent statements for both you and your spouse;
• Social Security Earnings Report - copies of both spouses’ reports showing their earnings history;
• Pending Lawsuits, Foreclosures, Bankruptcy, Judgments and Garnishments - copies of documentation for any of the above;
• Inventory List, Video or Photographs – of your home, contents, furniture, or any valuable collections;
• Previous Marriage Info – details of any previous marriages (date and location of marriage, date and location/case number of previous divorce);
• Outline of Your Priorities - a list of your priorities or goals in the divorce or dissolution proceeding.

Obtaining this type of information sometimes takes a bit of sleuthing, but it is often easier to locate these items before your spouse knows that a divorce or dissolution is being sought.  Also, locating and organizing this information on the front end can speed up the entire process, save a lot of time and money, and afford your attorney a better opportunity to evaluate your case.

Attorney John C. Meehling is a Family Law Attorney from Dayton, Ohio, and contributor to the Ohio Family Law Blog. Attorney Meehling recently joined the Dayton law firm of Holzfaster, Cecil, McKnight & Mues on November. 1, 2010. To learn more about John Meehling, please click here, or view his intorductory video below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d2fNnI3SFYg