How many times have we heard those comments and criticisms from our clients and their family members?  In many of my initial interviews with potential clients and their family members, I get the distinct impression that they believe the errant Husbands should be “tarred and feathered,” put in stocks in the village square so that raw eggs and tomatoes could be thrown at them, or sentenced to hard labor in a coal mine in Siberia!  I try to gently break the news that those things are not going to happen in the State of Ohio.

Our state is a “no fault” state …which essentially means that the Court does not care why the marriage is being terminated.  Therefore, the Court does not assign blame to Husband or to Wife.  Neither party is “punished” by the Court for any transgression that might have occurred during the marriage.  “No Fault Divorce” has been defined as follows: “A marriage/dissolution system whereby a divorce or dissolution is granted without the necessity of proving one of the parties is guilty of marital misconduct.”

Essentially, I can assert that Husband has been guilty of gross neglect of duty and extreme cruelty to include an adulterous affair with Jane Doe in my client’s Complaint for Divorce; but I am not bound to “prove” that the adultery took place by evidence of motel receipts, photos taken at a motel, etc., or testimony regarding the alleged affair, etc.  Years ago, those allegations had to be proven by evidentiary proceedings!  Those were the “Victorian days” when private investigators were hired to follow Husband or Wife to see what was really “going on” between Spouse and alleged Significant Other.  The fact that we have become a “no fault” state has led to a loss of revenue for companies doing private investigating work.  But, the change has simplified the work of attorneys practicing Family Law. The vast majority of cases are finalized on the no-fault basis of “irreconcilable differences” or “incompatibility.”

Our task has changed from assigning blame or fault for the demise of the marriage to essentially being responsible for verifying the marital assets and liabilities acquired during the marriage. The essential questions asked by the Court – What assets did this couple acquire during their marriage?  What liabilities did this couple acquire during their marriage? How are we going to divide those assets and liabilities?

The relevant factors to be considered by the trial court in making a division of marital property are (1) the duration of the marriage, (2) the assets and liabilities of the spouses, (3) the desirability of awarding the family home, or the right to reside in the family home for reasonable periods of time, to the spouse with custody of the children of the marriage, (4) the liquidity of the property to be distributed, (5) the economic desirability of retaining intact an asset or an interest in an asset, (6) the tax consequences of the property division upon the respective awards to be made to each spouse, (7) the costs of sale, if it is necessary that an asset be sold to effectuate an equitable distribution of property, (8) any division or disbursement of property made in a separation agreement that was voluntarily entered into by the spouses, and (9) any other factor that the court expressly finds to be relevant and equitable. R.C. 3105.171(F)(1) through (9). Since there are a number of specifically enumerated items under R.C. 3105.18 to be considered by a trial court on this issue, the typical approach by courts is to avoid placing a significant or disproportionate weight on the relative fault factor in such an analysis and determination. There is a perceptible tendency, on the part of the courts today, to minimize dividing property in a manner which rewards virtue and punishes evil.

In a “no fault” divorce state as Ohio is, the partner who abided by the vows of marriage is not “rewarded” for being true to marriage vows and the partner who did not abide by vows of marriage is not “punished” for same. The legislature did not include marital fault among the relevant factors listed in the Spousal Support statute, R.C. 3105.18(B). Fault is no longer an appropriate or significant consideration in the division or property of granting of alimony. Generally, the division of marital property is to be equal, unless an equal division would produce an inequitable result. R.C. 3105.171(C). In such a case, marital property is to be divided on an equitable basis. However, even a 50-50 property division may, in certain instances, result in one party profiting at the expense of the other. This is why the Ohio Supreme Court has stated it is ill-advised and impossible for any court to set down a flat rule concerning property division upon divorce. A trial court must have discretion to do what is equitable upon the facts and circumstances of each case.

Therefore, unless the injured or aggrieved partner is able to “prove” financial misconduct and direct transfers of marital assets to the “significant other” or dissipation of assets for non-marital purposes, the assets and the liabilities of the parties will be divided in an equal manner so long as the final result is not inequitable. While the fault factor in a divorce proceeding is not entirely irrelevant, it is not typically a significant factor which will be considered by the court for division of property and sustenance purposes.

Have you ever had a dispute with that grumpy neighbor next door or across the hall to the point that the two of you were ready to exchange words…or blows?  Ever have a dispute with a shady landlord who was trying to evict you for no good reason? Have you ever had intense disagreements with your family members over when or where to send one of your elderly parents after it became just too hard to provide proper care for that parent at home anymore? If you can answer “yes“ to those or to any other stress inducing interpersonal conflict you may have, resolving that conflict at the Dayton Mediation Center is an option you may not have known was available.

As a divorce attorney who understands that many big problems can be avoided if conflict can be addressed as soon as a small situation arises, I recently visited the Dayton Mediation Center to find out exactly how they help people solve their conflicts.  Michelle Zaremba, the Director of the Center, explained their mission and what mediation is all about.  She was quick to point out that mediation is not negotiation (“if you get this, then I want that…”), going to court, or psychotherapy.  In fact, in a Center brochure that Ms. Zaremba handed me, Federal Judge Walter H. Rice stated it perfectly when he said “What mediators do is not say this is how you will resolve this situation.  What mediators do is take people and empower them to do the right thing, to resolve their disputes, and to continue with their relationship.”

It is that “transformative” approach to dispute resolution that the Center utilizes. Their goal is not to just to help people reach some settlement for the sake of saying they have reached a settlement, but to truly change the way people go about resolving issues.  When individuals get the opportunity to say what they need to say, hear what the other person has to say, then make decisions about the situation on their own, (versus having some Judge or other 3rd party decide their issue), then they tend to honor the plan they helped create.

Last year, the Center received over 2500 referrals from various court systems (Juvenile/Common Pleas/Municipal), police departments, attorneys, Prosecutors or private parties.  Those disputes involved everything from first time juvenile criminals, to neighbors fighting over a fence, to domestic disputes between a parent and a child, to landlord/tenant disputes.  Not every one of those referrals was accepted, but the Center still helped to resolve over 600 disputes in 2010 alone! Ms. Zaremba states that the Dayton Mediation Center boasts over a 90% success rate for all their mediations!

To handle such a large volume of mediations, the Center makes use of approximately 80 trained volunteer mediators.  Those volunteers come from a variety of backgrounds, such as ex-Judges, students, lawyers, social workers, and homemakers.  Actually, anyone who wants to help people communicate differently and work through conflict without violence is welcome to participate in the Center’s mediation training.

In addition to performing in-house mediations, the Center also goes into many of the area schools and offers Peer Mediation.  Their staff will actually go into our area schools and teach students between the 7th and 12th grade how to mediate. When issues arise at school between students, 2 trained student mediators can then help resolve conflicts between their peers.  It has proved to be an awesome learning tool that has produced some impressive results for those involved.

When the Center conducts mediations, there are always two mediators involved in the session.  Additionally, whenever possible, the group tries to match the sex or race of their mediators with the sex or race of the participants.  This practice has been shown to bring about much better results.

If you are a Montgomery County resident and are interested in having a dispute resolved through the Dayton Mediation Center, call (937) 333-2345, explain your dispute and find out if they can help you with your pending conflict.  If you think becoming a volunteer mediator is something you’d like to do, contact the DMC to get further information. Or, click here to go to their website.

Your decision to create life was born in the unrestrained optimism that having children would help make your existence worthwhile. Perhaps you came from a wonderful family and wanted to give to others the gifts of love, compassion and happiness. Maybe your own childhood was not pleasant, and you wanted children to help make up for an upbringing that was filled more with distress than delight.

You did all the right things. You found a spouse that was not only a great person but also someone you felt would be a superb parent. You waited until you were financially secure, and prepared yourself by reading endless articles and talking with your friends.

However, when you actually did have your first child, you came to an uneasy insight that many parents feel but are reluctant to verbalize — raising children takes more work and you get less satisfaction than you anticipated.

For some parents, there is yet another dilemma. They are not emotionally connected to their child. Perhaps you rarely hear from your son in college. Maybe you feel you have absolutely nothing in common with your 8-year-old daughter and find work more rewarding than she is.

Perhaps you are counting the days until your teen graduates and you can resume a life without tension and turmoil.

What should you do?

Acknowledge reality. You need to first acknowledge your own feelings that you are not connected with your child and perhaps even that you don’t like him or her. Talk this over with your spouse. Try to gain some understanding of how and why this happened. Accept the reality that not all parents feel a strong bond with all of their children.

In many situations, parents tell me their feelings are based upon the many problems they had raising a particular child. My mantra as a therapist, parent and person is “Scars remind us of where we have been. They do not have to dictate where we are going.”

Reach out. Once you have accepted the reality that your relationship with your child may never meet your expectations, be willing to settle for something less. Find something in common with your child and put forth the effort to stay connected. Text your son in college that you were thinking about him after you saw a movie he might have liked. Ask your youngster’s opinion about something that you think matters to him.

Never give up. Here’s the really hard part. Your efforts to connect may be met by hostility or ignoring. After a while, you may be tempted to just psychologically walk away.

Don’t ever give up on your child. Continue to reach out in different ways, and communicate love and interest.

This is one of the toughest issues confronted by parents. This may not be a problem you can ever solve, but you can make the situation much better with insight and focused attention.

Gregory Ramey, Ph.D., is a child psychologist and vice president for outpatient services at the Children’s Medical Center of Dayton. To sign up to receive Dr. Ramey’s Family Wise monthly E-newsletter, click here. For more of his columns, visit www.childrensdayton.org/ramey and join Dr. Ramey on facebook at www.facebook.com/drgregramey.

[Reprinted by permission from the March 20, 2011, edition of the Dayton Daily News, “Parents can experience disconnect from children”, Family Wise, Gregory Ramey, PhD]

This represents the third collaboration between Psychotherapist Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC, and myself. We both had remarked to the other about the important role that the therapist and attorney play in a divorce proceeding. Donna suggested that we both write about our perceptions on that subject. Instead of each of us writing about the merits of our own profession, we switched roles. I wrote about the importance of therapy during a divorce and Donna addressed considerations for picking a good divorce attorney. We hope this perspective provides the reader with additional information and insight regarding the need for professional support during this challenging and life-changing experience. Be sure to spend time exploring the excellent articles she has written. Her insights are terrific!  Donna, as in the past, the collaboration was a lot of fun!

Here is her article:

Most women take more time picking out a winter coat than a divorce attorney. You wouldn’t think to buy the first coat you try on and yet many hire the first lawyer they meet with!  Given that divorce costs are more in line with a new car than a winter coat, it is in your best interest to make sure the lawyer you pick to represent you is the one that will best serve your needs.

If you have decided to move forward with a divorce, the single most important aspect of the entire process is picking the right lawyer (this assumes you already have a therapist!). You may think that because you don’t have children or huge assets or because the decision is mutual that a good lawyer isn’t necessary, well, think again. Divorce is an emotional process that varies in intensity from couple to couple, but it is also the dissolution of a legal agreement. Without the right legal counsel you may find that you are dealing with legal and emotional entanglements for years to come.

Some women tell me that they don’t want to hire a “good” lawyer because it will only make their husbands angrier. Others say they need to hire a real tough SOB to fight because their husbands are so difficult to deal with. This attitude is problematic because these women are picking lawyers based on their spouse’s personality and not on their own needs! Ironically, so many women tell me they are tired of thinking of their spouse first-tending to HIS needs and wants and ignoring their own desire and instincts. But here they go again-doing the same thing! It is imperative  that you pick a lawyer based on your own needs and personality, because if you hire a “nice” lawyer you may find you lack adequate representation and if you pick that SOB, you may find that aggressiveness is part of the lawyer’s personality and results in your feeling intimidated and unsupported.

Unfortunately some of my clients need to spend a good deal of time in their sessions talking about how to deal with their attorneys! By choosing the wrong lawyer to represent them, they suddenly are in the predicament of feeling they have two adversaries instead of one!

Here are ten things I learned from my clients to keep in mind when picking the best attorney for you:

1. Just because your friend had a good experience with an attorney doesn’t mean they are the right one for you. Trust your gut.
2. Pick a specialist.  While they may be more expensive per hour, they have more experience and in the long run will be both cost and time effective.
3. Aggression doesn’t insure a “win.”  An overly aggressive attorney may fan the flames of conflict rather than move toward resolution.
4. Pick an attorney who understands this isn’t about “winning.”  She/He should understand divorce is about a major change in the family and that more than the “bottom line” will be affected. A good family attorney is willing, when necessary to work with your therapist. He/she is focused on the family’s post divorce situation and understands the interconnectedness of the family does not end with the dissolution of the marriage. In short, they can see the “big picture.”
5. A consultation is like a first date, what you see is probably what you get. Don’t pick someone who minimizes your concerns, is sarcastic or dismissive. Don’t ignore your own radar by dismissing his/her behavior in favor of excellent credentials.
6. Don’t use your attorney as a therapist. And don’t use your therapy time to talk about legal issues. Efficient utilization of your professionals will keep costs down, provide you with better information and effective support.
7. Don’t withhold information from your attorney because you are embarrassed. They aren’t there to judge you, but if you don’t give them the information they need, you cut down on their ability to effectively represent you. Don’t assume drinking, abuse or affairs are not relevant even if you live in a “no fault” state. Underreporting or minimizing can result in your not getting the best settlement. ALWAYS tell your attorney if there are weapons in your home.
8. Try to stick with the facts. The emotions get processed with your therapist.
9. Talk frankly about costs up front and what you will be charged for. Some women are shocked when they are billed for phone calls, e-mails, etc., as they have come to rely so strongly on their lawyer that they mistake this working relationship for friendship.
10. Finally, be clear the court is not going to reward you for pain and suffering. Settlements aren’t based on how betrayed or rejected you feel.  Keeping an objective attitude regarding the legal system can play a big part in keeping your expectations realistic.

My reciprocal article, “A Good Divorce Therapist is Critical to Your Emotional Health!”, appeared on my blog on January 30, 2011. Click here to access it.

©2011. Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC, is a licensed psychotherapist in Connecticut. Her newest book is available at bookstores everywhere, Amazon.com or at www.profileactics.com. Her first book, From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce, won an Honorable Mention Award by the Independent Publishers Association. To read more about the author and her work, please visit www.donnaferber.com.

Driving these days can be very challenging. In addition, technological advances provide their own distractions, leaving drivers trying to split their attention between the road and the gadgets. Many experts believe that driving while texting, or “intextication”, is worse than driving drunk. In fact, studies show that 97.5% of people cannot drive safely while using cell phones. The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA) statistics show that roughly 16 people are killed every day in auto accidents involving a distracted driver, with over 1,300 more injured. In 2008, almost 6,000 people were killed and a half million more were injured by distracted drivers. It was a surprise to me to read a study this month that showed the American teenagers on average send 115 text messages per day. It is no wonder that authorities claim that the significant increases in texting volumes have resulted in thousands of additional road fatalities in the United States!

Thirty (30) states, including D.C. and Guam, ban text messaging while driving. Within the next few years, more and more states will enact laws banning “texting” when driving. While many cities in Ohio (including Cincinnati, Columbus and Toledo) have banned texting while driving, the State has yet to do so. The Ohio Legislature is considering at least two bills targeting distracted drivers.  Senate Bill 35 was introduced on February 1, 2011 and would prohibit any use of handheld communications while driving.  House Bill 99 was introduced on February 15, 2011, and is a ban on texting while driving.  While there is much controversy about the scope of exactly what cell phone use should be prohibited, it is probable that Ohio will join the list of States banning ‘intextication” in 2011. We will keep you posted on developments.

Clearly, there are many ways a driver can be distracted – talking to passengers, changing the radio station, grooming, using a cell phone, eating – text messaging is particularly dangerous as it involves all three types of distraction. To prevent yourself from becoming a statistic in this unfortunate trend, you should strongly consider eliminating cell phone use while driving. At the very least, utilize a “hands-free” cell phone device and quit texting while driving all together! In our personal injury practice, we have unfortunately seen many serious injuries and deaths caused by distracted drivers choosing cell phone communication over safe and careful driving.