A Guide to Happier Holidays: Replace HOāHO-HO with NO-NO-NO!
Well, the holiday hoopla is ramping up. Displays of sparkly red and green stuff has taken center stage in our stores, catalogues are arriving in droves, internet sites are offering deals, discounts and sales on every imaginable product. Magazines at the grocery checkout display unbelievable glossy covers of gorgeous people, in gorgeous houses, serving gorgeous food. Now with the sudden drop in temperature and the promise of snow this week, the reality that the holidays are descending on us is unavoidable.
It feels impossible to slow this down or simply get a grip. It is like being swept up in some tinselly tidal wave. I donāt want to shop yet; I still am cleaning out the garden! Yet, as the heat clicks on, and my sweaters and even gloves begin to take center stage, it cannot be denied. Here comes the holidays.
Much has been written about how to maintain our sanity through the holidays – hints of shortcuts for meals, warnings about overeating and over-drinking, and financial gurus pleading with us to set limits on our spending. All of these techniques are designed to make the holidays more manageable and more enjoyable and to avoid January regret when the bills and the scale indicate much too much indulgence.
This week a group of women met to discuss the difficulty of saying āNoā. Those āNoāsā were directly, externally, mostly focused on people who asked us for things we either did not want to, or could not, do. The group agreed while NO is tough, they all are now experiencing the empowerment that comes with setting limits that comes with simply saying āNoā. While we may āfeel badā disappointing another, many of us have not considered that according to Psychologist Judith Sills, PHD, āāNoā guards us against exploitation.ā Wow! Such a small word can wield such power. We can choose not to be taken advantage of simply by saying no!
As the holidays approach, it occurs to me that we need to ramp up our NO skills, not just our exercising it with others, but within ourselves as well.āÆ When we are tempted by that drink, that gooey dessert, to stay up too late, or splurge on the overpriced yet perfect gift, we are called on to practice saying, āNOā. This time it is not to a persistent child, an over-demanding boss or even a cranky clerk in a store testing our boundaries. Now it is about learning to say āNOā to ourselves. NO at the holidays is mostly an āinside job.ā
The denial elves dance around in our brain, urging us to say āYesā to everything we crave, feeding us rationales that really are denial. They say things like, āI deserve this drink (or dessert)ā, āOne more wonāt matterā, or the line made famous by Scarlett OāHara, āIāll think about that tomorrowā. The truth is this – you deserve to be healthy, one more WILL matter, and thinking about it tomorrow is merely procrastination. Well placed inner NOās honor and empower us. Ā We learn the joy that comes with self-discipline and not giving into immediate gratification. It helps us develop patience, resilience and ultimately to reach our long-term goals.
The Dali Lama, in the book āThe Art of Happinessā, speaks about the difference between pleasure and happiness. Eating the gooey dessert, buying an overpriced gift, indulging in drinking too much or other excess behaviors may bring us a moment of pleasure. However, happiness, true happiness, is not acquired by giving into those impulsive pleasures, but by recognizing that happiness is, in truth, about setting boundaries, accepting limits and finding joy in empowerment rather than indulgence.
Visualize what you want to be dealing with in January – a closet full of expensive stuff, jeans that donāt zip, credit cards that will take months to pay down, or a sense of peace and accomplishment as you move into the new year with less clutter, noāÆdebt and a scale that is not your enemy. Saying āNOā now, will bring a big healthy āYES!ā later.
Getting Support For The Holidays
Having trouble with āNOā? Consider this: the more we choose the healthy path, the easier it becomes. Plus, as we behave in new ways, we areāÆrewiringāÆour brains and the payoffs are invaluable. If you find you are struggling with āNOā, consider a self-help group such as a 12- Step Program or working with a trained counselor or therapist. Getting support and positive feedback for taking care of yourself can be the best gift of all – the gift of self-care.
2013 Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC, is a psychotherapist in private practice in Farmington, CT since 1986. She is the author of the award winning From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Womanās Journey through Divorce, which is now available in Kindle format for $9.99 as well as in paperback. To read more about the author and her work, please visit www.donnaferber.com
[Reprinted from Donna’s November 9, 2013, blog article: āA Guide to Happier Holidays: Replace HO-HO-HO with NO-NO-NOā.
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Donna F. Ferber, is a psychotherapist in private practice since 1986. She is a licensed professional counselor, a licensed alcohol and drug abuse counselor and an educator. Donna works with individuals and in groups. Her office is in Farmington, Connecticut.