Tips to Avoid Exhaustion After Your Divorce

I tell new clients to prepare themselves at the start of their divorce. My warning – A divorce is typically not a sprint but is usually a marathon! So, prepare yourself accordingly! So, how does one go about avoiding that “marathon”?

Here are my top tips to help you avoid total exhaustion after your divorce.

Tip One: Establish Your Top Priorities

I can’t tell you how critically important this truly is. Contested divorce litigation moves slowly and is very expensive! Some individuals come to the initial conference with a warrior’s mindset. They are often “hurt” and want to lash back by fighting everything. Please understand that there is really no “winner” or “loser” in divorce litigation. That “fight at all costs” approach is a mistake for most people. Why? Because litigating all the small issues will take forever and likely cost a fortune!

Some divorce lawyers may not agree with me on this. Many are willing to champion every fight their client wants. Others seem to have a form “checklist”. They start with the first item on the top of their checklist and won’t move on to item 2 until number 1 has been resolved. Yes. This is an approach, believe it or not, that some divorce lawyers utilize (or are willing to utilize). It can be a total waste of time, time consuming and very frustrating to both the lawyer and client.

Here is my approach.

I will often ask clients to list their top 3 to 5 priorities in order early on in the litigation. That serves several purposes. I can tell you most divorce clients are distressed and not thinking as logically as they had pre-divorce. So, creating this priority list really helps the client to focus on their most important divorce objectives. Every client and every case is different. Custody/parenting issues are paramount for many. For others, asset division and support issues are near the top of that list. This list helps me develop the case strategy properly to attain the client’s goals.

What I have found, is that without this priority list, is that the tit-for-tat and seemingly endless back and forth fighting often clouds clients’ perceptions. Previously inconsequential or minor items can somehow morph to become huge issues worth fighting over. As a prime unbelievable example, I recall when was when I was a young divorce lawyer, we actually had a 3-hour hearing fighting over who keeps the used bedside “mood” candles and the RV paper bed sheets. [Yes. unbeknownst to me, disposable bed sheets for a trailer really exist.]

How to Discuss and Revist During Divorce Litigation

Prior to the hearing, the clients rejected the lawyers suggestion that to save attorney fees, the lawyers would burn both the candles and paper sheets – so neither would get them! These poor folks each spent over a thousand dollars in lawyer fees fighting over items worth less than $40 dollars. Why? Neither one wanted to concede anything to the other.

I will now, at various stages during the litigation, pull that initial priority list out to show the client for us to discuss and revisit. Understandably, priorities can change somewhat in the course of litigation but this list can afford perspective and often act as a re-grounding. This often proves valuable to get back on track to tackle the established priorities.

Tip Two: Consider Mediation and Settlement Conferences

Alternative dispute resolution techniques, such as mediation and participating in settlement conferences, are very valuable and are productive tools to resolve issues in divorce litigation. Don’t ignore them and just focus solely on court litigation. They work well in conjunction! Most divorce Courts have established mediation procedures in place.

In addition, holding settlement conferences at one of the lawyers office for the 2 lawyers and both parties to meet, is done regularly these days and doesn’t require the Court’s involvement. This “ole school” approach of meeting in person and talking through issues often is more effective than sending letters or emails back and forth. It also, can save a lot of time and attorney fees.

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