Something I say to kids typically strikes terror in their hearts—“maybe that’s something you should discuss with your mom and dad.” My advice is often met with fear and rejection.
Within the emotional security of my office, children learn to trust and reveal what they are really thinking and feeling. They don’t have to worry about being punished or hurting my feelings.
They freely talk about their perceptions of not being good enough to live up to the expectations of their parents. Others discuss their resentment towards siblings or intense feelings of loneliness. Kids are acutely aware of marital problems, and they share the terrible anxiety of wondering if and when their parents will separate.
Adolescents typically discuss their fears about fitting in and figuring out relationships. Self-doubts overwhelm them, even if they appear well-adjusted and confident. Their outer persona rarely matches their inner life.
I’m glad that these kids feel safe to discuss such issues in therapy, but my job is to make myself unnecessary. I coach kids how to get support from others rather than to develop a dependency on a therapist.
Why are kids so afraid of being real with their parents?
- My parents won’t understand. Many
It seems as though many discussions with our kids or friends morph into mindless debates rather than genuine conversations. The goal is to win an argument rather than to understand another’s viewpoint.
Jessica regretted wasting her entire life. She had a horrible relationship with her two wonderful parents. She had done poorly in high school, and now had few skills to get a meaningful job. She had been in a myriad of poor relationships with guys, leaving her feeling used and worthless.
The author of the book, Vikki Stark, graphically describes her feelings and emotions as her Husband tells her “it’s over”, i.e. “the marriage is over”, after she had returned from a book tour about her most recent book, My Sister, Myself, in 2006. At the time, the author had a twenty-one (21) year marriage, which she thought was a successful one. She felt loved and blessed to have a happy and fulfilling marriage. She was shocked to learn that her Husband had been engaged in a six (6) year extra-marital relationship. He was leaving her for the “other woman”! She did not know that the “other woman” existed!
Vikki Stark, a divorce recovery specialist and a family therapist for over thirty (30) years, published this book in 2015. Her stated purpose in writing the book was to make the “telling” to the children of the news that a family was going to be separating as non-traumatic as possible. To research this subject area, the author conducted over one hundred (100) interviews with children and with adults who were children when their parents separated and divorced. She also interviewed parents who had already done the “telling” to their children to learn about their positive and negative experiences in doing so. Finally, she read and researched many articles written by other professionals in the same field.
About 20 percent of women don’t have children, a rate twice as high as the 1970s according to the Pew Research Center. For some, the decision is due to life circumstances or medical problems. For about 10 percent of women, it is a purposeful choice reflective of their values, lifestyles and interests.