Cohabitation: The Greatest Threat to Your Children’s Future

cohabitation_greatest_threat _childrens_future.jpgThink about this statement: “The rise of cohabitating households with children (where parents aren’t married, just living together) is the largest unrecognized threat to the quality and stability of children’s lives in today’s families.”  That’s pretty strong stuff, but it’s exactly what a new research study concludes.  While divorce has been the leading cause of the breakdown of the family and marriage for the last 40 years, the study shows that divorce is no longer the leading cause.  The study shows that cohabitation is now the greatest threat to the welfare of children in the United States!

The August 2011 study was sponsored by the Center on Children and Families at Brookings and is entitled “The Marginalization of Marriage in Middle America”. It was written jointly by two family scholars, one a conservative (W. Bradford Wilcox, director of the National Marriage Project) and one a liberal (Andrew J. Cherlin, professor at John Hopkins University).

The study found the following: in affluent neighborhoods where many college-educated Americans live, marriage is alive and well and divorce has declined to levels not seen since the “divorce revolution” of the 1960’s.  In contrast, marriage and family stability have both been in decline in the … Read More... “Cohabitation: The Greatest Threat to Your Children’s Future”

Do Challenging Children Cause a Bad Marriage?

challenging_children.jpgResearch published last month in Child Trends reported that happy marriages generally result in happy children. I was asked by a reader if children with any type of physical, emotional or developmental problems cause unhappy marriages.

Research has focused on parents raising children with such problems as Attention Deficit Disorder, Autism Spectrum Disorder and similar types of disabilities. The research findings have been ambiguous, with some studies finding a higher rate of divorce among such parents, and with others documenting no real differences. However, it’s clear that raising a special-needs child can result in a severe strain on a marriage. Here’s how successful marriages navigate these problems.

  1. Put your marriage first. A child with any type of disability demands more time and attention than other children. Good parents naturally want to meet those special needs, but that may result in neglecting your spouse. Healthy relationships take time and work, so it takes an extra effort by both spouses to be attentive to the needs of their marriage partner.
  2. Create a “no talk about children” zone. I recently learned about this technique from one of my clients. She found that virtually every conversation with her spouse revolved around some issue with
Read More... “Do Challenging Children Cause a Bad Marriage?”

8 Things You Should Never Say to Your Children…

8things.jpgIn the midst of an intense discussion or at the end of a difficult day, we don’t always say the right things to our children. But what we say can make a big impact, good or bad.

Here’s a list of things you should never say to your kids:

“I know exactly how you feel.” This is a real turn-off for kids. You can’t be sure you really know their feelings, and it comes across as dismissive. Instead, reflect back what you think your child may be experiencing. “You seem disappointed that you didn’t make the basketball team.”

“The pilot won’t let you off this plane unless you stop crying.” I heard a frustrated dad say this to his young son on a long plane trip. The rule is simple. Never threaten what you are unable or unwilling to deliver.

“You are too young to understand.” This is one of the most condescending things that parents say to kids, particularly to preteens. Instead of denying information to kids, answer their questions in a way that is consistent with their level of understanding. This doesn’t mean that kids are entitled to always have their questions answered. For example, you have every … Read More... “8 Things You Should Never Say to Your Children…”

Caregiver Liability: When Kids Run from Foster Care

runaway.jpgThe National Runaway Switchboard reports that between 1.6 and 2.8 million youth run away each year. It also reports that there has been “a significant increase in the number of crisis calls identifying abuse or neglect as a reason for the call, with abuse calls up 33 percent and neglect calls up 54 percent between 2005-2008″ (National Runaway Switchboard Crisis Caller Trends, 2009, p. 2).

Youth in out-of-home care often choose conduct that does not ensure their own safety. They elope from foster homes, group homes, or other residential settings at an unknown rate. When children are known risks for eloping a court may find that it is the legal duty of the caregiver to take all prudent means to take appropriate preventative measures.

Instinctively, we are aware of the links between youths running away in general and youths eloping from out-of-home care. Social science research has made significant progress in describing runaway youth in general (Martinez, 2006; Sanchez, Waller, & Greene, 2006), but has made minimal inroads in accurately describing the phenomenon of youth eloping from out-of-home care.  Similarly, while federal laws and conventions exist to address runaways and missing children, scant legislative attention has been paid … Read More... “Caregiver Liability: When Kids Run from Foster Care”

Child Abuse Investigations: Good, Bad or Ugly?

abusepre.jpgMost of us are familiar with Child Protective Services, or CPS.  CPS, or an agency with a similar name, is the agency in each state that has assumed the task of protecting our kids from abuse or neglect by adults, especially their own parents. A recent study explained in the October 2010 issue of Archives of Pediatrics and Adolescent Medicine suggests that child abuse investigations do not significantly reduce risk for future violence or abuse.  In fact, the study links investigations to increased depression in mothers.  The results have given ammunition to many who had already been calling for a drastic scaling back of CPS and the many millions of dollars that Congress and state legislatures annually direct towards CPS.

Congress passed the Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment Act in 1974 because of concerns about battered children.  That Act was also designed to encourage more thorough and accurate reporting and record-keeping in child abuse cases.  These days, the role of CPS has grown and evolved.  In 2007 alone, CPS nationally investigated more than three million cases of suspected child abuse.  Today, CPS also enjoys almost unlimited investigative and search and seizure powers, much greater than that of police, that can … Read More... “Child Abuse Investigations: Good, Bad or Ugly?”

Take the “Gimme” out of Christmas!

giftgiving.jpgI haven’t written an article about the holiday season for the Ohio Family Law Blog for a couple of years. At that time, I mentioned that this is certainly an appropriate time to reflect upon core values as well as memories of past Christmas celebrations and traditions.

In our family, we were very involved with a Christmas project providing gifts for needy children for many years while our sons were growing up. As a family, we spent countless hours working at the Center. We have tried to instill upon our family the importance of sharing and helping others. It is too easy this time of year to become consumed by all the shopping, decorating, numerous errands and superficial things. Focus can be lost on real matters of consequence, such as the meaning and importance of family. Regardless of one’s religious convictions, this is an excellent time to reflect upon our core values and aspire to do what we each can to make the lives of others around us better, even if it is in some small seemingly insignificant way.

This year we visited a local church hosting an Alternative Holiday Gift Giving event. This is a new concept for us. … Read More... “Take the “Gimme” out of Christmas!”

Should Teen Expose Dad’s Infidelity?

rameyinfid.jpg“How often do parents cheat on each other?” asked 16-year-old Jason during one of our recent sessions.

There was an uncomfortable silence for several moments. I knew this was going to be extremely difficult for Jason to handle, so I started by providing him with some facts about marital infidelity.

I told him that it was impossible to really know the answer to his question, as people are reluctant to be truthful. However, experts estimate that anywhere from 30 to 60 percent of married people have sexual relationships with someone other than their spouses.

“Do they usually get divorced once it’s discovered?” he asked.

“Not always,” I responded. “About 30 to 50 percent of the time, marriages can survive in spite of this serious problem.” He seemed reassured by my answer.

There are typically concerns behind such questions. Jason eventually told me that he had read an e-mail on his dad’s computer describing in graphic detail the sexual contact that had apparently been going on between his dad and a female friend.

Jason was emotionally traumatized after reading this letter. He felt angry at his dad, but Jason also was extremely confused about what if anything to say to his … Read More... “Should Teen Expose Dad’s Infidelity?”

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