Top Ten List of “Things To Do” Following a Divorce Proceeding!

Similar to David Letterman’s Top Ten Lists, many family blog sites have postings regarding the top ten “Things to Do” following a divorce proceeding. This is my list of priority items to accomplish after the filing of the Final Judgment and Decree of Divorce.

TOP 10 THINGS TO DO “AFTER” A DIVORCE 

Number 1: Read, study, examine, and explore the terms of your Final Decree. Make a list of those things Husband is to do and a list of those items Wife is to do. No one is available to “police” the terms of your Final Decree. If you do not receive a lump sum payment or if you do not receive the title to the car you are driving, or if you do not receive your share of the other spouse’s retirement benefits, no one knows that until or unless you bring it to the attention of your counsel and the Court. Your counsel can then write letters to the opposing counsel to determine if compliance shall be forthcoming or if a Motion to Show Cause is appropriate.

Number 2: Take steps to establish a workable budget. You have just left a marital relationship wherein there may have been two incomes to support one household. You are now entering a situation where there are two households to maintain with much less income available for each household. Many of my clients do not care for this advice, but…it may be necessary to look for part-time employment during the weekends that the children spend with the other spouse. And, it may be necessary to consider whether you could be available to provide day-care services for other parents before or after school for additional income. These are difficult times for all of us!

Number 3: Take a look at your Last Will and Testament, life insurance policies, and any accounts having a designated beneficiary. During “happy times” you may have designated your spouse to be the beneficiary of your estate, life insurance proceeds, and certain accounts having a designated beneficiary. It is very important that you change those documents to accurately reflect the person or persons you are choosing post-Divorce to receive benefits from you in the event of your untimely demise.

Number 4: If you are the Ex-Wife and if you have chosen to be restored to your maiden or former name, you must take care of certain details. Be certain to advise the Social Security Administration and to obtain a new Social Security Card, to advise the Bureau of Motor Vehicles and obtain a new driver’s license, and to advise any and all banks and credit card companies with whom you conduct business of your change in name. If you are a registered voter or a user of a lending library, you will have to notify the Office of Voter Registration and the specific lending library of your change in name. If you have minor children and/or if you have an established professional name, you may want to retain your married name so that you retain the same last name as your children and so that you have continuity with your business contacts. For example, in my personal situation, I had practiced law in the geographical area of Dayton, Ohio, for nine (9) years at the time of my divorce. I was “known” or “identified” in the Dayton community as R. Anne Shale. If I had changed my name to R. Anne McClure, no one would have recognized who I “was”!!

Number 5: Consult with a tax professional. If you are the Ex-Wife and if you shall be receiving spousal support which is taxable income to you, consult with an individual or a business specializing in the preparation of personal income tax returns, so that you are prepared for the income tax consequences of your receipt of spousal support. Ideally, the income tax specialist would assist you with the payment of quarterly income taxes so that you would not be “hit” with the need to pay income taxes on the receipt of your annual spousal support at the end of the year.

Number 6: Be certain that all joint banking accounts and all joint credit card accounts, to include debit card accounts, are closed! You do not want the ex-spouse to be able to make purchases on joint accounts after the divorce has taken place.

Number 7: Follow-up with the completion of all necessary paperwork if you are to receive continuation of health insurance benefits via COBRA (“Consolidated Omnibus Budget Reconciliation Act”). This will be a very important task as you do not want to lose your health insurance benefits.

Number 8: Take an assessment of the friends and companions with whom you associate. Are they positive and supportive? Are they bitter, negative, pessimistic, and/or depressive? If they are in the first category, keep them and cultivate the relationships. If they are in the second category, consider changing friendships and relationships. You are entering a new “phase” or “stage” of your life. You do not want “negativism” and “bitterness” to be the focus for this next stage of your life.

Number 9: If you are feeling overwhelmed with the tasks of life, if you are not sleeping well, if you are not feeling well, if you are depressed, sad, and/or teary…..seek counseling with a mental health therapist. You need to take care of “you” so that you can return to being a happy and productive member of society and to return to being a person who enjoys life.

Number 10: Do something positive for you and your feeling of well-being! Consider some change in your appearance…a change in make-up and/or hair style. Purchase some new clothing, new shoes…to enhance your appearance. Think about joining a fitness club or spa. Consider walking, running, biking…any physical activity to get you to be more fit and physically healthy!

A “break up” of a marriage is a traumatic event in one’s life….the demise of the relationship generates a multitude of problems and questions about what will happen now. Be smart and responsible in your divorce transition planning! This is the new start, and regardless of whether you wanted it or not, seize the opportunity for future stability and happiness!

If you would like more information or advice from this Dayton Ohio Attorney blogger, R. Anne Shale, please click here.

No relationship is more maligned in our culture than that of first wives and second wives. While we make fun of mother-in-laws, many admit to having wonderful fulfilling relationships with their M-I-L. Not so with the “Ex” and the “Next”. Judged as guilty before even tried, these women are pitted against each other by circumstance. Stereotypes abound; the first wife was a “crazy nagging bitch” and the second one “a cheap slut”!

Unfortunately, these stereotypes often eclipse the potential for a positive relationship; these women are preprogrammed not to like each other by societal misconceptions. In truth, had these women met under different circumstances they might have been friends. Yes, I know there are situations when “friendship” is impossible: for example, when the second wife was once your “best friend” and slept with your then-husband or the first wife is out of control with rage and is stalking you. We have all heard many horror stories. Movies and sitcoms and, sadly, daily news reports are filled of the misdeeds of both women.  But must we assume that a healthy caring relationship between these two is not possible? How about, at the very least, mutual respect?  If there are children from the first marriage, these women are, whether they like it or not, part of the same extended family!

Back in the 80’s I remember Alexa who, with her third husband, went to Florida to look for retirement property. They stayed at the house of his first wife, Sally and her new husband.  This was easy for Alexa. She said, “Why not? She is probably the woman least likely to threaten my marriage. They tried it already and it didn’t work.” Sally remarked,   “I have nothing against Alexa. The reason we split up had nothing to do with her.” The families celebrated holidays together, which their adult children and grandchildren greatly appreciated. Without the cooperation and mutual respect of these two women, that warm family relationship and connection would not be possible.

Twenty years ago, I facilitated a discussion group for women who were first wives and second wives (not to the same men). They agreed to allow a reporter from the New York Times to sit in on our discussion. (Click here to read the article). What I learned from that lively and informative conversation was that there are three potential areas of conflict, hurt and resentment for both women. And while remarriage is more common today, these three powerful “hot buttons” are still as charged as ever.

Mothering

For the first wives it was threatening to see the second wife interact with the children. For example, Beth admitted she watched her kids’ stepmom, Lisa, like a hawk. If Lisa was too involved Beth became insecure that Lisa was “trying to be their mother” and when Lisa was cool and less involved, Beth saw her as neglectful and uncaring. For Lisa, taking care of someone else’s kids was nothing like the Brady Bunch. It was a thankless job, and she always felt under scrutiny from everyone – especially from Beth. It was hard work and she walked that fragile line between too involved (“You are not my mother”) or not involved enough (“She hates me”). Lisa frequently felt like she had all the responsibility of taking care of the kids when they were visiting their dad and none of the respect. They criticized her cooking, left their laundry everywhere and when she asked them for help, they cried to Beth that Lisa was mean. Beth would call her children’s father and he in turn would ask Beth to “go easy on the kids” who were still “adjusting”. Lisa felt judged as the quintessential wicked stepmother.

Beth needs reassurance and Lisa needs to be appreciated.

Memories

Jane, a stepmother of two adolescents, recalled a painful moment when the kids were reminiscing with their dad about a Valentine’s Day gift he bought their mother when she was his first wife. Jane felt excluded from this shared experience and personal memory. The feeling of being a “second” is everywhere- as kids recall vacations and special moments, holidays or even daily life. Family albums and in-laws add to the stress and feelings of exclusion. It hurt Jane whenever she went to her in-laws house and saw the wedding photo of her husband and his first wife on the mantle. The second wife struggles with feelings of insecurity and isolation. In truth, the children and their father share years of memories that she is not a part of. This is a constant reminder of her “second” status.

Lucy, a first wife, sobs as she talks about her ex-husband and his new wife having a child. Lucy’s only daughter always wanted a sibling and now she has it, but Lucy is not a part of that experience. Lucy’s daughter goes on in her new family with her dad creating memories and experiences that Lucy will never be part of.

While Jane feels left out of the past, Lucy feels left out of the future.

Money

Karen was filled with despair and jealousy when she heard that her ex-husband and his new wife were planning a two week vacation in Tuscany. Ralph always promised her that when he was promoted, they would take the trip she had always dreamed of. It was difficult for her to deal with Ralph finding the money to take Arianna on “her dream vacation.” She felt like Arianna was reaping the reward for all the lean financial years she had experienced.

Two years later, when Arianna and Ralph had their first child, it became apparent that the couple could not live on Ralph’s income alone. His child support and alimony to Karen made it impossible for Arianna to stop working and stay home with their child. Arianna resented the monies going to support Karen and Ralph’s children from his first marriage. Arianna was furious that she had to put her child in day care while Karen got to stay home with her children.

Karen felt that Arianna was reaping the financial reward of Ralph’s success while Arianna felt that it was Karen who was reaping the rewards!

Of course, these are only a few examples of how these issues manifest for the “Step-Wives”. When a divorce occurs in a family, some relationships are lost or changed forever. As each partner moves forward in their single life, new connections are made. Many divorced people remarry. It is important to recognize much of what feels adversarial here is based on complicated circumstances, not personalities.  The issues are defined by the relationship structure – One woman is an EX and one is the NEXT.  Because they have different roles in the family, their perspective will naturally differ as well. How they choose to deal with those different perspectives is what separates a healthy blended family unit from one that crumbles.

©2012. Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC, is a licensed psychotherapist in Connecticut. This article was reposted by permission from her August 6, 2011, blog which can be accessed by clicking here. Donna’s first book, From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce, won an Honorable Mention Award by the Independent Publishers Association. Her newest book, Profileactics: A Guide for the Prevention of Ill-Conceived Personal Ads, Baby Boomer Edition is available at bookstores everywhere, Amazon.com or at www.profileactics.com. To read more about the author and her work, please visit www.donnaferber.com

Parenting Time Suspension can occur when a parent’s bad behavior gets in the way of the child’s best interest.

“Children must be considered in a divorce, considered valuable pawns in the nasty legal and financial contest that is about to ensue.” – P.J. O’Rourke

The truthfulness of O’Rourke’s statement cannot be more evident. Children going through a divorce are often caught in the middle of two parents at war. They can be fighting about money, parenting time, adultery committed, or even about why the toilet seat was once again left up. Although this fighting in and of itself can be a traumatic time for a child caught in the middle, the worst of the fighting results when a parent uses his or her children to hurt the other parent.

In a case in Montgomery County, Ohio, recently affirmed by the Second District Court of Appeals, the Court decided that it was time to show parents that bad behavior can result in a suspension of parenting time.

Thomas Gisslen had his parenting time suspended when the Courts determined his behavior resulted in a traumatic experience for his children. Mr. Gisslen became involved with the Courts in 2007 when he filed for a Legal Separation. His wife answered with a counterclaim for Divorce. The hearing was not officially heard until September 14, 2010, due to several motions being filed either requesting continuances or going as far as attempting to disqualify the Judge and Wife’s attorney. Although Gisslen’s behavior was outrageous regarding the amount of time it took to actually hear the case, Gisslen’s behavior was even more concerning with regard to the way he handled parenting time with his children. During his parenting time, Gisslen followed a procedure that he referred to as the “safety check”. When it was time to exchange the children for the scheduled parenting time, Gisslen would either videotape or record the exchange, and out of the many exchanges that occurred he requested police presence at approximately fifty (50) of the exchanges. Once, after his parenting time, he refused to return the children and the Hamilton County law enforcement had to intervene. If these experiences were not dramatic or traumatic enough, Gisslen went even further. He started taking pictures, during his parenting time, of the children naked to examine the photographs for any signs of abuse. Gisslen had made several allegations of abuse to the Children’s Services Department in Hamilton and Montgomery County; however, no proof of any abuse was ever found. Gisslen recorded every single conversation he had with his children and his now ex-wife and he went to the children’s school and attempted to delay the younger child’s enrollment in kindergarten. There was evidence in the court record indicating that the children were scared of Mr. Gisslen and did not feel safe with him. At the time of the final hearing, Mr. Gisslen refused to participate and as he left the courtroom he stated ,“Have a nice hearing. See you.” The Court then awarded custody to the mother and suspended Gisslen’s parenting time.

While many may be applauding the court’s exertion of their power in this case, others question a court’s ability to make decisions resulting in a suspension of a parent’s ability to exercise parenting time. Ohio law gives the court broad powers related to how it can decide whether or not a parent should have parenting time. It is located in the Ohio Revised Code, Section 3109.051(D). The ultimate determining factor concerns what is in the best interest of the child. In making this determination courts consider the following factors:

1. The child’s relationship with parents, siblings, and others involved
2. Where the parents reside and the distance between those locations
3. The child’s and parent’s available time
4. The age of the child
5. The child’s adjustment to home, school, and community
6. The child’s wishes and concerns
7. The health and safety of the child
8. The amount of time available for the child to spend time with siblings
9. The mental and physical health of all parties involved
10. A parent’s willingness to participate in parenting time
11. Criminal offenses of the child’s parents or others involved and whether or not the child has been found to be an abused or neglected child or if the parents have been previously determined to be a perpetrator of an abusive or neglectful act
12. If a person is not a parent, that individual’s criminal record and whether or not that person has been found to be a perpetrator of an abusive or neglectful act
13. Whether a parent has denied the other parent parenting time with the children
14. Whether a residence has been established outside the State of Ohio or if a parent is planning on establishing a residence outside the State of Ohio
15. Wishes and concerns of the child’s parent regarding requests for parenting time by those who are not the child’s parent
16. Any other factor in the best interest of the child

The way in which you act during a divorce proceeding can weigh very much in your favor or against you. It is exceedingly important that although you may be suffering internally and want to be vindictive and spiteful, if you have children, you must think of what is best for them. If you feel your spouse is abusive, rather than take naked pictures of your children (which can result in mental anguish for your children and can be seen as abusive), request that a court appoint a guardian ad litem for your children to investigate these allegations. While one should keep in mind the factors the court looks to in determining parenting time, they should also remember that it is ultimately what is in the best interest of the child; and if your behavior is not conducive to what is in the best interest of your child, you can be sure the court will make note of that when determining parenting time.

If you are interested in reading the actual appellate court decision, click on Gisslen v. Gisslen.

If you are interested in learning more about Parenting Time schedules in Montgomery County, Ohio, please click on Parenting Time.

In Ohio, Do Support Payments Have To Be Made Through The Support Enforcement Agency?

Do child support/spousal support payments have to be made through the Child Support Enforcement Agency (CSEA) or through the Ohio Child Support Payment Central (OCSPC)? This question is generally answered with a resounding “Yes”! There are many reasons for the involvement of the CSEA and the OCSPC.

What do the CSEA and OCSPC stand for? What role do they play in Support Payments?

Each county in the State of Ohio has its own Child Support Enforcement Agency (CSEA) charged with keeping accounts and payment histories for each child support/spousal support order involving children or ex-spouses residing in that particular county. The Ohio Child Support Payment Central is an agency located in Columbus, Ohio. It was created by the Ohio Department of Job and Family Services in response to Federal legislation mandating the implementation and operation by each state of a disbursement unit for collecting and disbursing child support and spousal support payments.

Why are these two agencies needed to provide oversight and collection of support payments?

Both agencies are vital and necessary as the State of Ohio has a vested interest in collecting maximal child support payments.

Otherwise, the State would be “on the hook” for each indigent child within the State wherein child support was not collected resulting in the indigent child receiving benefits from the State in the form of welfare, Aid to Dependent Children (ADC), Women, Infants, and Children (WIC), food stamps, health insurance (Care Source or Molina), subsidized housing, etc. Likewise, the State of Ohio has a vested interest in collecting maximal spousal support payments because if the recipient (Obligee) isn’t receiving spousal support payments as ordered, he or she may also seek assistance in the form of welfare, food stamps, and health insurance benefits from the County wherein the Obligee resides.

Both the CSEA and OCSPC provide many services for each child support/spousal support account Including:

• Agents monitor the accounts and keep a running record of support monies due pursuant to a Court’s Order versus support monies actually received. Thus, this record keeping provides the means to generate an audit and payment history for each support account.
• Agents monitor delinquent accounts and those accounts requiring enforcement for arrearages owed, which can be “flagged” with the goal of intercepting income tax refunds or any lump sum payments to be made to an Obligor (payor of support). And, if the support paid is less than half of what is owed, the CSEA has powers to revoke an Obligor’s driver’s license or professional license.
• Agents may also assist with the location of Obligors and in determining if an Obligor has found new sources of employment.

Many Obligors question why support payments must be made through the CSEA or OCSPC. The answer is because that is the law! Payment through these agencies is mandatory. Many Obligors complain about the 2% service fee charged by the CSEA. The 2% service fees are used to offset the costs of the agencies. If an Obligor has a support obligation of $3,000 per month, he or she will owe the CSEA the sum of $60 per month (2%) to administer his/her account. But, if an Obligor has a support obligation of just $500 per month, his or her service fee would be the sum of just $10.00 per month.

I have had clients argue that it is discriminatory for them to pay higher service fees than other Obligors based upon the amount of support ordered to be paid. I have been known to tell my clients that if they want to change the method of payment, and/or the amount of the 2% service fee, they will need to become politicians.  They need to run for office, go to Columbus, and convince a majority of legislators that the law should be changed! This would be a difficult task to accomplish!

What are the exceptions to eliminate having to pay support through the Agency?

Ohio Revised Code 3121.441 titled “Direct Payment of Spousal Support” creates the exception. If the Obligor has only a spousal support (alimony) obligation, with the consent of the Court, the Obligor may be able to set up an automatic transfer of support payments from his/her bank account to the Obligee’s bank account. The Obligor may also be able to pay to the Obligee the alimony obligation by check, money order, or in any form that establishes a clear method of payment.
With the foregoing methods of payment, the Obligor can escape the monthly 2% service fee! However, in the event the Obligee does not receive regular and consistent spousal support payments, he or she can request that the Court issue a Withholding Order to the Obligor’s employer so that payments can then be processed by the CSEA or OCSPC.

Summary:

The following options are available for the payment of child support/spousal support in the State of Ohio:

Option 1: An Obligor has a child support obligation only. The child support obligation must be paid through the CSEA or the OCSPC and a 2% service fee shall be paid by the Obligor.

Option 2: An Obligor has a child support obligation and a spousal support obligation. The total support obligation must be paid through the CSEA or OCSPC and a 2% service fee shall be paid by the Obligor.

Option 3: An Obligor has a spousal support obligation only. With the permission of the Court, the spousal support (alimony) obligation may be made by electronic transfer from Obligor’s bank account to Obligee’s bank account or the direct payment may be made by the Obligor to the Obligee by check, money order, or in any form that establishes a clear record of payment, thereby avoiding payment through the agency and the 2% service charge.

If you have questions about support payments, contact an experienced divorce or family law attorney to discuss your situation.  Please click on the link in the above sentence if you would like to contact the writer of this blog, R. Anne Shale.

Grandparenting Styles: Impressions By a Dayton, Ohio, Divorce Lawyer

It was truly a memorable Christmas. In the past we have usually managed to get the “family” together in Dayton, Ohio. But this year I locked the door of my law office; and my wife and I flew to Dallas to be with our son, daughter-in-law and our first grandchild – Hannah. We were fortunate enough to have been able to travel from Dayton, Ohio, to Texas to be in the hospital when Hannah was born five (5) months or so ago, but we haven’t visited in person since.

I wish we lived closer. Dayton and Dallas are a long way apart. Being proud parents (and now grandparents) we are thankful for all the photos, videos and texts we have received showing Hannah’s growth, almost on a daily basis. Hannah’s Mom and Dad have great jobs and have established a wonderful life there together. They are very happy!

Being a divorce lawyer who likes to be totally prepared, as well as a compulsive researcher, I figured that I needed to update my parenting knowledge base since my two (2) sons are now thirtyish and my baby caring skills are pretty rusty. Not only that, but I have come to find that a lot of the “child raising rules” have changed. We use to put our boys on their tummies a lot. That is a “no-no” today.

Technology has seemingly changed baby supervision, too. Every motion or baby coo is observed via the baby camera monitor. Gone are the days when the parents would put the baby down for a nap and simply listen from afar.

As part of my researching this topic, I decided to check out the various grandparenting styles and to perhaps learn how to be a better grandparent. I found all sorts of information on the subject via the internet! Some of the seemingly outdated research by Neugarten and Weinstein of the 1960’s concluded that grandparenting styles could be loosely characterized as formal, fun-seeking, or distant. Clicking through to read other articles led me to an interesting short 14 question quiz as well as a lot of information about grandparents written by Susan Adcox, a former English and journalism teacher with seven grandchildren of her own.

I read about her unscientific categories and her way of classifying grandparents, based on both research and a lot of observation. Here are her six (6) grandparent role categories from http://grandparents.about.com:

Grandparenting Styles:

Grandparent Role #1: The Pollyanna Grandparent
Grandparent Role #2: The Grumpy Grandparent
Grandparent Role #3: The Take Charge Grandparent
Grandparent Role #4: The Migratory Grandparent
Grandparent Role #5: The Crunchy Grandparent
Grandparent Role #6: The Cool Grandparent

This is a great article to read. Here is the link to the quiz - Grandparenting Styles. Out of the grandparenting styles, try and predict which one best describes you. I might have predicted a different result for myself.

I have to say that the  grandparenting styles quiz results put a big smile on my face. Almost as big as watching Hannah giggle and smile when I play or read to her! It said that I am a “Pollyanna Grandparent” – that I am the traditional loving grandparent. I am SO glad that I wasn’t determined to be a “Grumpy or Take Charge Grandparent”! Perhaps the better test will be what I hear after my son and daughter-in-law have read this grandparenting styles blog article and had a chance to “grade” our grandparenting performance.  Little Hannah, with your sweet personality, huge blue eyes and contagious smile, you are “The Bomb.”

If you would like more information on grandparenting styles, or would like to know more about this Dayton, Ohio attorney, please click on this link.