Frequently, a spouse is incredulous at their partner’s behavior during divorce. Why do we expect people to be on their best behavior during divorce? Does anyone actually behave better under stress? If you had a tendency to anxiety in your marriage, you are probably climbing the walls. If your spouse was controlling during the marriage, then s/he is probably exhibiting dictator-like characteristics. And if either of you had a tendency toward alcohol or drug abuse or domestic violence of any kind, then you can expect those frightening behaviors to escalate.

Divorce is not a catalyst for our finest behavior. During divorce, our negative traits are amplified as we become embroiled in a torrent of never ending finger-pointing and blame. Under stress, people do not communicate more effectively. Our foibles, weak spots, and least attractive characteristics often get called into play. How your partner reacted to adversity prior to the divorce gives you some fairly accurate clues as to how they will act during the divorce process. Yet, we have hope that transformation will occur. We want to believe that we can all act in a harmonious manner. We long to avoid conflict, confrontation and guilt. We have expectations that if our partner can “get it” then the transition from married to single will go smoothly.

Think about this rationally. If s/he were able to “get it,” would you even be getting a divorce? If s/he couldn’t make the changes, take the high road, end the affair, stop the abuse, give up the addiction or communicate effectively during the marriage, then what makes you think s/he will be able to do it now? Having expectations of sudden epiphanies and major behavioral changes only sets you up for further disappointment and perhaps even more acrimony.

It is more realistic and helpful for you to consider your own behavior as you navigate through the seemingly endless legal and emotional process. How are YOU behaving? Are your best traits shining through? Probably not. Refocus your energy; while you can’t change anyone else’s behavior, you can change your own. So, if you tend to be passive and compliant, work at being more assertive. If you have a tendency to control, explore ways of relaxing that control. If you yell a lot, try practicing restraint.

We can change ourselves for the better, but that does not happen without insight, desire and effort. By focusing on your partner’s behavior, you set yourself up for more hurt and disappointment while your own behavior goes unchecked and you continue to tumble into self-neglect. By looking inward, you work on awareness and self-growth. That mindset can move you toward feelings of empowerment and confidence.

When you turn toward self examination, don’t overwhelm yourself with self criticism and huge resolutions. Be honest about what you can work on; but also be gentle. Even the tiniest of changes can shift the dynamics of your divorce but, more importantly, foster your own self confidence. Only when you put your energy into changing yourself can you begin to bring peace in your life.

Lastly, it might be helpful to keep these three thoughts in mind:

♥ The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. 

♥ People only change if THEY want to, not because WE want them to. 

♥ If you put even half as much effort into working on yourself as you did on him/her, you will be amazed at how good your life can be.

©2011. Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC, is a licensed psychotherapist in Connecticut. Her newest book is available at bookstores everywhere, Amazon.com or at www.profileactics.com. This article is from her first book, From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce, which won an Honorable Mention Award by the Independent Publishers Association. It was also posted on her excellent blog on April 23, 2011, which you can read by clicking here.  To read more about the author and her work, please visit www.donnaferber.com

Custody and Smoking Issues

If you smoke cigarettes, there’s a good chance that at some time in your past you’ve made a pact with a friend who also smoked that the two of you were going to try to quit smoking together, but you just couldn’t hold up your end of the deal.  In another attempt to quit smoking, maybe you’ve tried one of those “patches” but that didn’t do the trick either.  Perhaps you’ve seen those controversial commercials on T.V. where disfigured long-time smokers describe the major health problems that smoking has caused to their bodies, but today you remain a smoker.  Well, if you’re still a smoker, and you’ve tried repeatedly to give up the habit, the Family Law attorneys at Holzfaster, Cecil, McKnight & Mues may finally be able to provide you with the extra motivation you need to quit, especially if you are in a Custody dispute!  The new method that we are using to help our clients who are in Custody disputes to quit smoking is called the “You’re Going To Lose Custody of Your Kids If You Don’t Stop Smoking TODAY!” method.  This “method” that we are encouraging our clients to follow is growing in popularity because, more and more, in courts across Ohio as well as throughout the country, Judges are viewing smoking around children as a form of child abuse; which can very likely effect custody determinations.

Ohio Courts and Custody

Regardless of the county you’re in or whether you are fighting for full or joint custody, the Judge who decides your case will be asking, “What outcome will protect the safety and well-being of your child and what is in the child’s best interest?”  Judges in Ohio, like in most other states, consider all “relevant factors” in determining visitation and custody and no one factor is the end all – instead, it is more of a balancing test.  For example, courts look at factors such as stability in the home, the geographic location of the parties, whether a parent has any prior domestic violence issues, each parent’s ability to provide for the basic needs of the child, the child’s progress in school, and the dental and medical condition of a child.  A new trend that our Family Law attorneys have witnessed over the last few years, though, involves courts now factoring in custody determinations whether parents, or other family members, smoke in the home or car when the children are present.

Everyone knows that secondhand smoke has serious health consequences for non-smokers.  That’s why Ohioans voted to prohibit smoking in restaurants and bars a few years ago and that’s why there are now websites with names such as “Kids Involuntarily Inhaling Secondhand Smoke” (KIISS).  Children often cannot remove themselves from situations where the adults who care for them are smoking.  Because their bodies are still developing and because children have higher breathing rates, smoking around young people can cause more serious problems than it does around adults.  Secondhand smoke has been linked to increased incidences and severity of asthma, bronchitis, pneumonia, and respiratory infections.  When infants are exposed to secondhand smoke, they die from Sudden Infant Death Syndrome (SIDS) at a rate of up to 5 times that of infants who are not exposed to smoke.  Plus, children exposed to secondhand smoke have a greater chance of developing cancer as an adult.

Judges, Guardian ad Litems, and Children’s Services personnel know these statistics which is why there has been an increase of child custody decisions around the country that included an examination of whether one or both parents smoked, before Custody was ultimately awarded.  Ohio courts have said that, “a family law court that fails to issue a court order restraining persons from smoking in the presence of children within its care is failing the children whom the law has entrusted to its care.” In re Julie Anne,121 Ohio Misc.2d 20, 50 (Lake Co., Aug. 27, 2002, revised Oct. 15, 2002).

In some states, parents who smoke have had their visitation rights reduced and courts have even ordered that some parents cannot smoke inside for between 24-48 hours before a child arrives to stay.  Parents in other states have even lost custody because they smoked in the presence of their child. A mother in Georgia lost custody of her child when she continued to smoke inside the home after the child was diagnosed with asthma. Daniel v. Daniel, 509 S.E.2d 117, 120 (Ga. Ct. App., Nov. 10, 1998).  Some courts have restricted smoking in a home to just one room or to outside, and they have probation officers verify restrictions are being followed.

Since Ohio Courts are considering the smoking habits of parents in custody and visitation determinations like never before, we advise our clients who smoke to, at the very least, never smoke inside where their children are, to never smoke in a vehicle, and to never allow others to smoke around their child.

If you’re a smoker and you are in, or plan on being in, a Custody battle in the near future, the Family Law attorneys at HCM&M strongly suggest that you view your Custody battle as an opportunity to quit smoking.  Remember that Custody disputes are often decided by a few minor issues that ring loud with the Judge.  Your ability to provide a safe and healthy environment in regards to smoking, when the other parent cannot, may be just the issue that sways your custody case with the Judge. Don’t let your chance to win Custody go up in smoke just because you smoke cigarettes!

Complicit : Tattletaling Required on Local Ohio Campuses

Students at local universities should be more aware of their surroundings while on their school’s campus.  Few students are aware that both University of Dayton (UD) and Wright State University have a charge called “Complicit” within their Codes of Conduct.  The charge of “complicit” allows the schools to discipline students who have not actually engaged in behavior that violates the Codes, but who have witnessed that behavior in other students.

Complicit Charge in University of Dayton’s Code of Conduct

At UD, the Code of Conduct defines “Complicit” as the finding that, “it is clear that the student witnessed, was present at, and/or has been determined to be responsible for allowing (condoning by failing to report) violations to occur in their assigned residence (room, suite, apartment, and/or house).”  This means that a student can be charged as complicit if a student sees another student violating the Code of Conduct, even if they do not participate. Failing to report is enough to find that student as complicit. While the Code states that the violation must be in the student’s assigned residence, a representative from the UD Office of Community Standards and Civility stated that that residence can be interpreted to include the entire building in which a student’s dorm room can be found.

Complicit Charge in Wright State University’s Code of Conduct

Wright State is not as strict on their definition of “Complicit”.  At Wright State, it is defined as “condoning, supporting, or encouraging any violation of the Code of Student Conduct.  Students who anticipate or observe any violation of the Code are expected to remove themselves from association or participation in any such behavior.” Students at Wright State can remove themselves from risk by simply walking away from the situation and will not be found complicit.

Complicit Charge in Military Acadamies’ Code of Conduct

The concept of discipline for witnessing violations of another student is also present in military academies.  The United States Military Academy at West Point’s Cadet Honor Code requires that students at the academy report lying, cheating, or stealing by other students.  However, even this requirement is less stringent than the “Complicit” charge at UD, as West Point’s students are required to report only after confrontation of suspected violator and determination that there was an actual violation.  The United States Air Force Academy has the same requirement in their Code of Conduct.

The goal of the honor code at the military academies is to reinforce the ideal that a soldier’s word is his bond.  Therefore, forcing all students to monitor the other students’ behaviors makes violating the honor code and getting away with it nearly impossible.  However, the goal is to develop the ethical nature of the students to ensure that they are reliable, trustworthy soldiers.  The honor code is important in military academies, as it is the same honor code used for the military and armed forces.

Effects of Being Complicit

UD’s Office of Community Standards and Civility stated that the charge of “Complicit” is a new addition to their Code this year. The definition at UD essentially makes all students snitches on other students while in their dorm buildings.  Even if a student left the situation and walked away from the violating behavior, that student would not escape risk, as they will be found complicit.  In order to avoid being found complicit, the UD students must report other students who they see violating the Code, whether those students are their friends, roommates, or strangers.

Perhaps the most troubling aspect of UD’s “Complicit” charge is that unless the disciplinary action results in the student’s suspension, or any greater charge, there is no recourse for students to seek an appeal of the judgment.  The Office of Community Standards and Civility stated that students may seek a review of their entire disciplinary record after being charged.  Unfortunately, the review, if granted, only provides the review of the record by the Director of the Office of Community Standards and Civility and the Vice President.  While the two officials may make changes to the information as requested, there is no guarantee that their review of the record will change the outcome.  The Office of Community Standards and Civility keeps the disciplinary records of all students for seven years.

While disciplinary records are not public information, many employers ask students to provide them when applying for jobs.  Additionally, while students may not recognize the risk when they are deciding to stick around the bad behavior or whether to leave and report, knowing that future employers may see charges such as, “Complicit in Use of Illegal Drugs” or “Complicit in Vandalism of Private Property” should encourage all students to protect themselves in all situations.

Ultimately, all students need to be aware of their surroundings when on campus.  Whenever the situation is one that could potentially lead to disciplinary action, students should leave immediately and avoid being found complicit.  Additionally, UD students should be sure to report any behavior that may be a violation of the UD Code of Conduct.  While few people will want to snitch on their friends and other acquaintances, protecting oneself from lasting disciplinary action, by avoiding being found complicit, should be the first priority.  While the goal of the Code may be noble, it does not seem fair to turn all students into mandatory reporters for the school; however, in order to avoid the risk, UD students must report the behavior to protect their own futures. Be sure to check the specific language in the Code of Conduct at other Colleges or universities to avoid potentially severe future ramifications.

ABOUT HCM&M: Our law office is located within walking distance from the University of Dayton and close to the other Universities/Colleges in the Dayton area. Our practice includes defending students in criminal cases, Code of Conduct violations, and disciplinary matters. If you, your son or daughter, have been charged with a crime (such as being complicit) or are being investigated either by campus or local police, call us for a free confidential consultation to better understand your rights and what to expect.  To schedule the consultation, please contact Holzfaster, Cecil, McKnight & Mues at (937) 293-2141.  In addition, we have an emergency phone number, (937) 760-4357, which an attorney answers around-the-clock.

Much credit and appreciation goes to our law clerk, Amanda Porterfield,  for her assistance with this article!

New Study: Fatherhood Leads to Drop in Male Testosterone Levels!

On September 12, 2011, the New York Times published an article regarding a recent study of six hundred (600) men in the Cebu Province of the Philippine Islands. The research study measured the testosterone levels of men when they were age twenty-one (21), single and without children, and again five years later after some had entered fatherhood. Fatherhood resulted in a great decline in testosterone levels when compared to the men who remained childless.

What is testosterone? Testosterone, called the “Father of All Hormones”, serves many purposes in the male body. The hormone is responsible for the following:

• the growth and development of male sexual characteristics;
• the deepening of the male voice during puberty;
• the growth of facial and body hair;
• the male sexual drive, i.e. “libido”;
• the production of sperm;
• the maintenance of muscle mass and strength; and
• the ability to experience sexual relations.

What did researchers conclude when they determined that Fatherhood resulted in a drop in testosterone levels?

They agree that the testosterone levels decrease with fatherhood, as the Father becomes more involved with child rearing.  Men who spent more than three hours a day caring for children — playing, feeding, bathing, toileting, reading or dressing them — had the lowest testosterone levels. This is a positive outcome for young and emerging families. They also believe that the decline in testosterone levels promotes more involvement with the instant family and leads to less likelihood that the Father would seek new sexual conquests outside of the marriage.

As a Mother of an adult son who is an excellent Father of three (3) children, I would like to know what his testosterone level was before marriage (1992) and what his testosterone level was after entering fatherhood. He has always been a “hands on” Father, as he cared for the children when Mother worked outside the home as a registered nurse.

The study did not examine specific effects on behavior of men who entered fatherhood, including whether those with smaller drops in testosterone were more likely to be neglectful or aggressive. It also did not examine the roles played by other hormones or whether factors like stress or sleeplessness contributed to a decline in testosterone, rather than Fatherhood being the only cause of a testosterone drop.

While men may not like to see their testosterone levels drop with fatherhood, it may be a change to promote positive family health. So it appears that women aren’t the only ones biologically programmed to take care of children! Interestingly, it turns out that men are also “hardwired” to be fathers!

For those of you who follow our blog, you already know that local child psychologist Dr. Greg Ramey is a frequent contributor.  Dr. Ramey is the vice president for outpatient services at Dayton Children’s and writes FamilyWise, a weekly parenting column in the Dayton Daily News that is distributed through the New York Times wire service. He is also a clinical assistant professor of pediatrics at Wright State University Boonshoft School of Medicine.  From time to time, Dr. Ramey publishes in his Sunday column in the Dayton Daily News letters or emails that he has received from parents and his response to those questions in a Q & A format.

Here are a few dilemmas that I thought parents might find interesting. The first is from a mother who doesn’t approve of gifts that her children receive from their father, while the second letter discusses visitation issues for a teen who is resisting going to his father’s as it is getting in the way with his social life.

Parenting Tip: In Her House, Mom Can Veto Video Games

Q.  I dread this time of the year because of the constant conflicts with my ex-spouse regarding Christmas gifts for our two boys, who are 7 and 12 years of age.  He buys them presents that are inappropriate, and then I’m stuck with allowing them to have things that I feel are wrong.  My kids want some video games that are rated “mature,” which my ex thinks are fine for the boys.  How can I stop him from buying such stuff?

A.  You can’t control the boys’ dad, but you can and should prevent your children from using the games in your house.  Stop arguing with your ex-husband and carefully explain your concerns about purchasing toys you feel are inappropriate.  If he disagrees, then explain you will not allow the children to bring the games into your house.  The first time those video games come home, send them back. If they somehow find their way into your home again, throw them away.

Explain to your boys exactly why you feel playing such games is not acceptable at their ages. Acknowledge the reality that you and their dad have differing points of view, but you are going to enforce your rules in your house.

(Above was reprinted with permission from the December 10, 2011,  Dayton Daily News.)

Parenting Tip: Dealing With Teens That Don’t Want to Visit

Q.  My 15-year-old son doesn’t like to visit his dad every other weekend.  His father tells me that things are great during the visits, but that’s not the story I hear when my son comes home.  He complains about missing his friends and not being able to go to school events since his dad lives an hour away.  Should I try to work something out with my ex?

A. Visitation becomes more difficult during the high school years, requiring lots of compromise and communication among divorced parents and kids. However, this is not your problem to solve. Your son needs to learn how to work this out with his dad.

Encourage your son to speak directly with his father.  If he refuses, offer to participate in the discussion, but let your son express his own point of view.  If your son refuses both options, consider a few sessions of counseling with all family members to work out a better visitation arrangement.

Your son may be reluctant to be involved in any of those options, in which case he’ll have to just adjust to the current situation.

(Above was reprinted with permission from the January 8, 2012,  Dayton Daily News.)

After reading his answer, I emailed Dr. Ramey for clarification about what age he felt that children should begin direct negotiations with their parents regarding parenting issues.  Here was his response:

Your question about the age at which kids should begin direct negotiation with their parents is a really tough issue. I generally try to coach kids who are in high school (around age 14) to take some responsibility with issues like this.

As you know, it’s really hard to force visitation with a teen, and they typically respond much better if they can participate in these discussions.  This is a great example of where flexibility on the part of the parents (and kids) should take a priority over an inflexible court document (no insult intended!!).

Thanks for that clarification Dr. Ramey!

Gregory Ramey, Ph.D., is a child psychologist and vice president for outpatient services at the Children’s Medical Center of Dayton. For more of his parenting column, visit www.childrensdayton.org/ramey and join Dr. Ramey on facebook at www.facebook.com/drgregramey Dr Ramey has been a guest contributor to the Ohio Family Law Blog since 2007.

[Reprinted by permission from the December 10, 2011, and the January 8, 2012, editions of the Dayton Daily News, Family Wise, Gregory Ramey, PhD]