Summers can be a difficult time for parents separated from their children for extended periods of time.  Ann Dunnewold, Ph.D., author of Even June Cleaver Would Forget the Juice Box, gave the following tips to Parenting magazine about ways to keep in contact with children away from home during the summer:

1. Use your cell phone. Although the idea of entrusting a cellular device to your 6-year old (never mind kids younger than that) is appalling to many parents, allowing a child to have access to his or her mother or father’s voice is a simple and effective way to stay connected.  If the babysitter or another parent is with the child while you are not, simply ask them to cooperate and lend the child their phone.  A study conducted at University of Wisconsin-Madison shows that girls who talked to their mothers via phone felt calmer and happier as those whose mothers were physically available for hugs.  Hearing a parent’s voice lowers a child’s cortisol (stress hormone) and released oxytocin, a hormone associated with physical contact. 
2. Make a recording. If you know you’re going to be stuck in a closed conference all day, make a recording of yourself reading your child’s favorite story or singing his or her favorite song and have it available for the child to hear.
3. Log on to Skype. If you can’t, leave videos of yourself for your child to watch whenever he or she wants.  This is similar to the voice recording tactic.
4. Hang around. Even if you can’t stay, leave your scarf, cardigan, or something the child associates with you with him or her.  Make sure it’s an item the child has seen you wearing often.  This method isn’t effective if you simply dig out an old sweater from the closet.  The item should smell, feel, and look familiar to the child.

Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC, a Connecticut psychotherapist and frequent guest contributor to our Ohio Family Law Blog, has expanded upon Dr. Dunnewold’s excellent suggestions.  Hers are especially geared toward divorced parents and how they can help their child adjust to spending extended time away from one parent during summer vacation.

Here is Donna Ferber’s additional advice:

When dealing with parents who have had an acrimonious divorce, the cell phone is occasionally used as a weapon. For example, the parent may repeatedly call the child, disrupting activities and often upsetting the child and infuriating the other parent. The phone should be used solely to reassure the child, not as revenge to ruin your ex spouse’s time with his/her child. Also, calling your child and whining about how lonely you are and how much you miss them, or just as bad, telling them all the wonderful things they are missing, is an example of how the phone can be misused. Parents must always remember to put the child’s need first; and when you use the phone to disrupt your ex’s good time, you also ruin your child’s good time.

Some children do not like to talk on the phone and will offer monosyllabic answers. ” Uh-huh,” “Nope” are often disappointing to the parent who longs for more connection during the phone calls. Rather than feel rejected, be reassured and happy that your child is having fun. Set up agreed times to call the child with the other parent PRIOR to the vacation. One call a day is more than enough for everyone involved.

Children also can use the phone as a weapon. “I want to call mommy and tell her you are bad because you won’t let me have more ice cream!” is an example of how a child can misuse the phone to create tension and take inappropriate power. Keep to the preset schedule. Calmly remind the child they can speak to the other parent at the agreed time.

Remember when you Skype, set up time prior to the vacation, but be flexible. The vacationing parent should not be asked to cut short a fun activity to rush to the computer for a Skype date. When you do Skype, stay upbeat and keep it short. Your goal is to support the child, not make him/her homesick. And never use these conversations, either on the phone or Skype, to interrogate the child about the parent’s behavior.

Lastly, think about what our parents did to keep connected with us prior to the age of technology. Whether we went for an extended visit to friends or family or to camp, remember how postcards, greeting cards and care packages gave us something to look forward to, keep and share with others. Many adults I know saved their letters and cards from camp, creating a journal of that experience. E-mails do not offer the same personal touch.  Many camps discouraged phone calls as they were disruptive and that remains true today, so use the phone mindfully recognizing it can harm rather than help. Finally, if you do send a care package , make sure that you include enough for the child to share. While you may have issues with the adults vacationing with your child, your child has a right to share the joy of your gift as he/she chooses.

©2011. Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC is a psychotherapist in private practice in Connecticut. She is the author of From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce which won Honorable Mention by the Independent Publishers Association. For more information on her work or to read her blog, please visit www.donnaferber.com

When we hear “abusive behavior” we often think of physical violence. Abusive behavior is not always physical. Even though there may be no visible wounds, abusive behavior can be very damaging to the individual, the relationship and the family. Consider if these abusive behaviors are present in your own relationship.

• Criticizing you, your friends, family, job, or anyone or anything important to you. 
• Blaming you for everything.
• Making fun of you in front of other people. This includes remarks about your looks, family, job, or sex.
• Demanding that you account for all your time.
• Listening in on your phone conversations.
• Reading your mail or e-mail.
• Isolating you from your friends and family.
• Yelling, throwing things, slamming the counter, slamming doors, punching walls.
• Using sarcasm.
• Ordering you about.
• Controlling or limiting your access to money.
• Discussing you behind your back.
• Demanding s/he have everything done her/his way.
• Controlling what you wear.
• Forcing you to have sex or to do sexual things you are not comfortable doing.

Some women have commented, “Well, he does some of those things, but don’t all men?” No, not all men behave this way! It is not normal to hurt the person you love. This is abuse and women aren’t always the victim. Men sometimes find themselves the target of their wife’s verbal assault.

Regardless of who is doing the abuse, the advice for abused spouse is the same. Stand up to your spouse and let him/her know that this behavior is unacceptable. You do not have to be abusive back. State calmly that it is not acceptable. Don’t threaten or yell. That only challenges the abuser to try to control even more. Underneath the bravado, abusers often feel weak and insecure. By intimidating you and making you feel bad about yourself, they make themselves feel powerful. By knocking you down emotionally (“Who would want you?”), they think they make it impossible for you to see you have other options. Seeing the behavior for what it is can help fortify you to make changes. When to talk to the abusive party, don’t try to analyze their behavior, he/she will only guffaw and act worse. Talk about yourself. Stay focused on your choices and needs.

One important word of caution: If s/he lays a hand on you – a slap, push, or punch – it is time to leave. Maybe not forever, but until s/he gets help. Without professional help, physical abuse escalates. When a spouse has crossed that line from hitting the counter to hitting you, then it is time to go. Without help, it will only get worse. Don’t think, “Oh, s/he would never do that.” Many women who lost their lives to domestic violence said the exact same thing.

You really can’t change another person. They have to want to change. What you can do is change yourself. By no longer accepting unacceptable behavior you shift the focus from your partner to yourself. Consider your options. What do you want from your life? A need to be treated with dignity, respect and love is not asking for too much! If a partner is unable to do that, then make sure you treat yourself that way. Think of it this way: While you may not be able to stop someone from throwing snowballs at you, you can certainly duck. Get out of the way and move on!

©2005/2011. Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC, is a licensed psychotherapist in Connecticut. Her newest book is available at bookstores everywhere, Amazon.com or at www.profileactics.com. This article is from her first book, From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce, which won an Honorable Mention Award by the Independent Publishers Association. To read more about the author and her work or for a direct link to Amazon, please visit www.donnaferber.com

I was saddened to learn that George Webley, the host of the weeknight program on BBC London 94.9, died on May 7, 2011, at age 53. BBC London 94.9 Editor David Robey said, “Big George lived up to his name in every sense, a larger than life character with a radio personality to match. He was a truly distinctive broadcaster who will be terribly missed by his many devoted listeners and his colleagues.” He also had a long career as a musician and composed TV theme tunes, including “Have I Got News For You.”

I personally had the pleasure to appear as his guest on his show in July of 2009. As an American divorce lawyer, I was asked to share my perspective about the use of prenuptial agreements in the United States in light of a recent ruling that legalized their use in England. It was truly a fun experience for me to chat with “Big George.” His sense of humor was wickedly funny and his charisma apparent! Here is a link to  the video of a late-night vigil after his death near the BBC studios, led by over 300 London taxi drivers who saw “Big George” as one of their own. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-london-13359641

George’s colleague, Ian Wood, a broadcast journalist with BBC London 94.9, with whom I have maintained contact, shared with me this sad news. He said, “A big part of his show’s success is the people on it, and that includes you, Chip – so please feel free to raise a glass to a man whose show of which you were a part.” Very thoughtful!

I wrote about that “radio adventure” in a post on July 8, 2009. Click here to read that article. It also includes an audio link to my interview. I would encourage you to take a listen. It is very upbeat and funny!

I luckily managed to catch several more of his shows after my interview.  So George, here is my toast to you…Thanks for creating such a wonderful memory in my life. You will be missed in my home and by millions around the globe. May God bless you!

What is the one HUGE secret for making fluffy pancakes that rise like they should, as opposed to those paper thin, dense duds devoid of any texture or sponginess? And, by the way, as a long time weekend pancake slinger, this secret applies to homemade recipes (my usual choice) all the way down to the instant “just add water” mixes.

The secret? Don’t overwork the batter and DO NOT stir the lumps out of the mix. Simply add enough liquid (per whatever directions you’re following) to dissolve the dry batter and gently fold the liquid in. Within a few seconds, you’ll have enough consistency to be able to spoon or ladle a lump-filled blob of batter onto your griddle or into your pan. And then watch them slowly puff up and rise, in airy like, glorious fashion.

Not too long ago, I came to the conclusion that preparing our clients for deposition is a lot like making pancakes. We hit clients with all these pre-deposition rules like “don’t guess,” “don’t ramble,” “answer only the question you’re asked and don’t volunteer anything,” etc. I could go on and cite about 15 more “rules” we’ve all learned over the years and have bludgeoned our clients with from time to time.

But in the process of our drill sergeant/paranoid recitation of all these “rules,” we can inadvertently turn our clients into robots at their deposition. We’ve wrung all the humor and charm right out of them. They come off flat, worried, walking on eggshells for fear of making one of those dreaded “mistakes” we warned them about over and over. And, occasionally, we have the audacity to wonder why our clients’ pre-deposition charm and endearing qualities did not come through at their deposition.

Simple: we over stirred them, just like the lifeless, tasteless pancake where the batter was overworked to death in the bowl. We failed to step into their shoes and realize that, from their perspective, a deposition can be a scary process. They want to go through a 2-3 hour question and answer session with a strange (as in unknown OR odd, take your pick) lawyer about as much as their upcoming root canal or colonoscopy. At least with the latter you have some form of sedation, which may drop a deposition to third place on the list…

Look, going over deposition rules is important and should not be ignored. But we as trial lawyers also need to recognize, and appreciate, that there is a class of clients whose charm, pleasant demeanor, grace, humor–whatever those qualities may be–need to come forward and be seen by the other side. They have wonderful stories to tell, and yes, they may ramble or break a few of our precious rules to remember, but creating a “robo-client” by scaring the pants off of them is infinitely worse in my opinion.

Bottom line: every one of us comes with “lumps” in some form. By deposition time, you need to know whether your client will need a lot of “stirring,” or just a little. Counterintuitive as it may seem, both with clients and pancakes, consider leaving some of the lumps in. Remember: you can send a stack of flat pancakes back to the kitchen, but you’re stuck with a flat transcript and client impression.

Brian R. Wilson is a partner in the Canton, Ohio, law firm of Nicodemo & Wilson LLC. He is the author of three books, “How to Buy Car Insurance in Ohio to Protect Your Family,” “Your Ohio Accident … And How You Can Level the Playing Field” and “Eight Reasons Why Most Ohio Malpractice Victims Never Recover Anything.” Brian is also the publisher of “The Bull’s-Eye Blog”… This article was originally posted on his blog on December 28, 2010, and re-posted here today with Brian’s gracious permission. To go to Brian’s excellent blog, click here.

How many times have we heard those comments and criticisms from our clients and their family members?  In many of my initial interviews with potential clients and their family members, I get the distinct impression that they believe the errant Husbands should be “tarred and feathered,” put in stocks in the village square so that raw eggs and tomatoes could be thrown at them, or sentenced to hard labor in a coal mine in Siberia!  I try to gently break the news that those things are not going to happen in the State of Ohio.

Our state is a “no fault” state …which essentially means that the Court does not care why the marriage is being terminated.  Therefore, the Court does not assign blame to Husband or to Wife.  Neither party is “punished” by the Court for any transgression that might have occurred during the marriage.  “No Fault Divorce” has been defined as follows: “A marriage/dissolution system whereby a divorce or dissolution is granted without the necessity of proving one of the parties is guilty of marital misconduct.”

Essentially, I can assert that Husband has been guilty of gross neglect of duty and extreme cruelty to include an adulterous affair with Jane Doe in my client’s Complaint for Divorce; but I am not bound to “prove” that the adultery took place by evidence of motel receipts, photos taken at a motel, etc., or testimony regarding the alleged affair, etc.  Years ago, those allegations had to be proven by evidentiary proceedings!  Those were the “Victorian days” when private investigators were hired to follow Husband or Wife to see what was really “going on” between Spouse and alleged Significant Other.  The fact that we have become a “no fault” state has led to a loss of revenue for companies doing private investigating work.  But, the change has simplified the work of attorneys practicing Family Law. The vast majority of cases are finalized on the no-fault basis of “irreconcilable differences” or “incompatibility.”

Our task has changed from assigning blame or fault for the demise of the marriage to essentially being responsible for verifying the marital assets and liabilities acquired during the marriage. The essential questions asked by the Court – What assets did this couple acquire during their marriage?  What liabilities did this couple acquire during their marriage? How are we going to divide those assets and liabilities?

The relevant factors to be considered by the trial court in making a division of marital property are (1) the duration of the marriage, (2) the assets and liabilities of the spouses, (3) the desirability of awarding the family home, or the right to reside in the family home for reasonable periods of time, to the spouse with custody of the children of the marriage, (4) the liquidity of the property to be distributed, (5) the economic desirability of retaining intact an asset or an interest in an asset, (6) the tax consequences of the property division upon the respective awards to be made to each spouse, (7) the costs of sale, if it is necessary that an asset be sold to effectuate an equitable distribution of property, (8) any division or disbursement of property made in a separation agreement that was voluntarily entered into by the spouses, and (9) any other factor that the court expressly finds to be relevant and equitable. R.C. 3105.171(F)(1) through (9). Since there are a number of specifically enumerated items under R.C. 3105.18 to be considered by a trial court on this issue, the typical approach by courts is to avoid placing a significant or disproportionate weight on the relative fault factor in such an analysis and determination. There is a perceptible tendency, on the part of the courts today, to minimize dividing property in a manner which rewards virtue and punishes evil.

In a “no fault” divorce state as Ohio is, the partner who abided by the vows of marriage is not “rewarded” for being true to marriage vows and the partner who did not abide by vows of marriage is not “punished” for same. The legislature did not include marital fault among the relevant factors listed in the Spousal Support statute, R.C. 3105.18(B). Fault is no longer an appropriate or significant consideration in the division or property of granting of alimony. Generally, the division of marital property is to be equal, unless an equal division would produce an inequitable result. R.C. 3105.171(C). In such a case, marital property is to be divided on an equitable basis. However, even a 50-50 property division may, in certain instances, result in one party profiting at the expense of the other. This is why the Ohio Supreme Court has stated it is ill-advised and impossible for any court to set down a flat rule concerning property division upon divorce. A trial court must have discretion to do what is equitable upon the facts and circumstances of each case.

Therefore, unless the injured or aggrieved partner is able to “prove” financial misconduct and direct transfers of marital assets to the “significant other” or dissipation of assets for non-marital purposes, the assets and the liabilities of the parties will be divided in an equal manner so long as the final result is not inequitable. While the fault factor in a divorce proceeding is not entirely irrelevant, it is not typically a significant factor which will be considered by the court for division of property and sustenance purposes.