Parenting Issues Archives - Page 7 of 10

Whose Kids Are These?

Even young children are aware that they are part of both parents. We tell them the story of our courtship, our wedding and of their birth. We show them baby pictures. “You have Daddy’s smile and you have Mommy’s eyes,” we tell them. This is one way children feel they are part of a family. It helps our children develop a sense of identity and belonging. As children grow older, we begin to identify more traits in them that remind us of ourselves. “You are artistic like your dad” or “you have your mom’s wit” are further ways we continue to build connection with our kids.

But when a marriage starts to deteriorate, parents sometimes focus only on the worst traits of their spouse and now flinch at any similarity they may see in their children. When anger and stress collide, parents find themselves comparing their children in a negative way to “you’re no good lazy cheating father” or “that crazy drunk of a mother.”

As acrimony between the parents escalates, these remarks can become sharper and more frequent. The child of divorcing parents who is told, “You remind me of your father,” when he misbehaves, hears a painful rejection … Read More... “Whose Kids Are These?”

Tips to Help Avoid the Summer Parenting Blues…

Summers can be a difficult time for parents separated from their children for extended periods of time. Ann Dunnewold, Ph.D., author of Even June Cleaver Would Forget the Juice Box, gave the following tips to Parenting magazine about ways to keep in contact with children away from home during the summer:

Use your cell phone. Although the idea of entrusting a cellular device to your 6-year old (never mind kids younger than that) is appalling to many parents, allowing a child to have access to his or her mother or father’s voice is a simple and effective way to stay connected. If the babysitter or another parent is with the child while you are not, simply ask them to cooperate and lend the child their phone. A study conducted at University of Wisconsin-Madison shows that girls who talked to their mothers via phone felt calmer and happier as those whose mothers were physically available for hugs. Hearing a parent’s voice lowers a child’s cortisol (stress hormone) and released oxytocin, a hormone associated with physical contact.
Make a recording. If you know you’re going to be stuck in a closed conference all day, make a recording of yourself reading your

Parents Can Experience Disconnect From Children

Your decision to create life was born in the unrestrained optimism that having children would help make your existence worthwhile. Perhaps you came from a wonderful family and wanted to give to others the gifts of love, compassion and happiness. Maybe your own childhood was not pleasant, and you wanted children to help make up for an upbringing that was filled more with distress than delight.

You did all the right things. You found a spouse that was not only a great person but also someone you felt would be a superb parent. You waited until you were financially secure, and prepared yourself by reading endless articles and talking with your friends.

However, when you actually did have your first child, you came to an uneasy insight that many parents feel but are reluctant to verbalize — raising children takes more work and you get less satisfaction than you anticipated.

For some parents, there is yet another dilemma. They are not emotionally connected to their child. Perhaps you rarely hear from your son in college. Maybe you feel you have absolutely nothing in common with your 8-year-old daughter and find work more rewarding than she is.

Perhaps you are counting … Read More... “Parents Can Experience Disconnect From Children”

Don’t Create Halloween Horrors for your Child!

For many kids, Halloween is one of the most important holidays of the year. The child of divorce is faced with choices and concerns. Who will take me treat-or-treating? Who will get my costume and dress me? Where will I trick-or-treat?

Then, of course, there logistical problems for the divorced parents. By addressing these issues in advance, parents can reduce stress and not distract from the child’s positive experience. These include:

In two-parent homes, often one parent gives out candy while the other parent takes the child trick-or-treating. Now there is only one parent in the home. Do you stay and give out candy or do you go with your child?
Parents often do not specify in their divorce decree who “gets” the child on October 31. If it falls on a visitation day, some children feel disappointed that they don’t get to trick-or-treat in their own neighborhood with their friends. This is particularly true for the first Halloween, when new friends and acquaintances may not have been established in the new neighborhood.
Halloween reminds the parents of the reality of joint custody and that you will not share some of your child’s experiences.
In time, the child will grow

When Your Ex Opts Out -Talking to Your Children When Your Former Spouse Decides to Not Parent

Consistently, one of my favorite blogs is Michael Mastracci’s Divorce Without Dishonor Blog. Mike is an excellent attorney from Baltimore, Maryland. His own difficult and acrimonious divorce and child custody battle led to his personal interest in collaborative family law. Both attorneys and clients should include his blog on their frequent read list. Mike regularly espouses ethical, moral and philosophical standards that we should aspire to meet. I have personally and professionally been a proponent of child welfare issues for over 30 years. So, when I read his recent post about “When Your Ex Opts Out – Talking to Your Children When Your Former Parent Decides to Not Parent”, I had to ask Mike if I could have his permission to republish it. He kindly agreed. Here it is:

Although most divorcing couples deeply desire a relationship with their children after the marriage dissolves, there are exceptions to this rule. Sometimes, one of the newly divorced parents feels that their life would be easier or freer if not encumbered by their children. They drop out of the picture for an unpredictable period of time, sometimes weeks or even years. The custodial parent is left to explain their actions to

Back To School So Soon?

The lazy, hazy days of summer will soon be gone, only to be replaced with the frenetic days of a new school year. Despite the grumblings from your children about returning to school, most children are actually ready to resume the routine that school brings. The beginning of the school year is exciting. Your child will be happy to see friends and to meet their teachers, but it can also be a time of uncertainty and worry. They might be concerned about how they will do this year in school, if their friends are in their classes, or if they will like their teachers. It can be especially difficult for those students attending a brand new school, or those who are transitioning from elementary to middle school, or middle to high school.

As parents, we want to be sure to help our children get off to a smooth start to the new school year. It can especially be a challenge if you are sharing custody with a former spouse or if you are the non-custodial parent. For those of you who operate under a shared parenting plan and split parenting time, say every other week, or every two weeks, it … Read More... “Back To School So Soon?”

Thoughts about Your Divorce Day

Just as each marriage is unique, so is each divorce. Your reaction to the final legal decree will vary from that of others going through this process. Your feelings will be based on your own special circumstances and will depend upon a number of factors:

How reconciled you are to the divorce.
How much time has passed between the filing of the original papers and the final day.
How much acrimony still exists with your spouse.
How much rebuilding of your own life you have already done.

Divorce Day can bring about a myriad of feelings, ranging from extreme sadness to exuberant joy to calm indifference. By knowing yourself and your own feelings about your situation, you can predict, to some degree, how you will feel.

Here are some tips for preparing for your day in court:

Make a trial run the day before so you know how to get there and where to park. This can help with any anxiety you may have about getting lost or finding parking.
Ask your lawyer to explain exactly what will happen on the final day. Will your lawyer be there? Will you have to testify? Will your spouse? Ask any questions you

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