Kids Shouldn’t be Treated Like Little Adults

kids little adults

Kids aren’t little adults. While the physical differences are obvious, the psychological ones are not, particularly as kids and teens appear more sophisticated than previous generations.

Here are a few key differences.

  1. More egocentric. Children experience the world from their own very limited perspective. When something bad happens, they are more likely to wonder about the impact on themselves, rather than on others. In adulthood, we call this narcissism. In childhood, we call this normal.
  2. More trusting. Most children fortunately haven’t had a lot of bad experiences with other people. They tend to be trusting, or in cases vulnerable, to the influence of others. Trusting others is positive in many ways, as it gives parents and other loving adults the opportunity to guide young people. However, this also means parents to be cautious about the impact of peers and others on our kids.
  3. More reactive to stress. I have a variety of ways to deal with a difficult day. I can talk with my spouse or friends, challenge my unhealthy ways of thinking about things, play basketball, or run a few extra miles.Most kids don’t have sophisticated strategies to deal with difficult times. Therefore, they are more susceptible to tough
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3 steps to raising good losers

good losers rameyFootball star Cam Newton got it all wrong when he declared “show me a good loser and I’ll show you a loser,” as an excuse for his rude behavior after his team’s defeat in the Super Bowl.

Teaching our kids how to deal with adversity, or be a good loser, is one of the important skills that they need to learn.

Good and bad stuff happens to us every day. It’s easy to enjoy life’s successes, but how we respond to life’s setbacks determines our happiness. Psychologists call this resiliency.

Every day I work with kids who have survived terrible situations. Some are victims of horrific sexual abuse, or live in severely dysfunctional families. Others are trying to grapple with the emotional turbulence of their parent’s divorce, or the death of a sibling.

Some of these emotional scars will resonate throughout their childhood and beyond. Other children figure out a way to put bad stuff in life’s rearview mirror and lead healthy and productive lives.

Can we teach resiliency at a young age to prepare kids to deal with life’s tough times? The experts say we can.

Here are the two attributes of resilient kids.

First, kids with good resiliency … Read More... “3 steps to raising good losers”

Are you using the correct parenting style?

What Is The Best Parenting Style To Raise Your Children? One Parenting Style May Be All You Need Says Study

ramey parenting style

Which of the following best describes your approach to raising your children?

  1. Permissive. These types of parents tend to be very warm, engaging, and accepting of their children. They encourage their kids to make their own decisions. They avoid using punishment and tend to be rather lenient. Rules are viewed more as guidelines, with kids given lots of freedom without close parental supervision.
  2. Authoritarian. Children in these families have strict rules and firm consequences. Parents are in control, not the kids. These are demanding parents with high expectations. Parental flexibility is feared as a sign of weakness, with a concern that children will manipulate the situation.
  3. Uninvolved. Parents using this approach are generally very preoccupied with their own lives, and leave the children to figure things out on their own. There are few expectations for the children. Youngsters are viewed as small adults, with a great deal of freedom and flexibility.
  4. Authoritative. This style reflects parents who set clear limits on their children’s behavior, but combine that with warmth and affection. The parents are in charge, but there is close
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Family Survival Guide: Handling Tough Times

family survival guideSome families I work with are going through some of the toughest challenges of their lives. In addition to having problems with their kids, many parents report financial difficulties and marital dissatisfaction.

This trifecta of issues frequently results in intense feelings of depression, denial, anger or helplessness. Here’s how parents successfully navigate such tough times.

  1. Develop a social support system. I urge parents to reach out to friends, relatives, work colleagues and others for support. I understand the natural inclination of not wanting to burden others with your problems. However, relationships are essential in providing both diversion from our troubles, and emotional support for getting through the day.Don’t ever underestimate the impact of a warm smile, a gentle hug, a kind word or just the accepting presence from a friend.
  2. Gain perspective. When overwhelmed by today’s turmoil, it’s easy to forget yesterday’s calm. I urge both kids and parents to reflect upon and be grateful for the pleasant times in their families’ histories.Here’s a fun homework assignment. I ask parents to talk about some of their favorite family photos. This simple activity typically prompts lots of discussion and laughter. It forces families to remember their many good times and helps
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Fighting Winter Despair

winter despairHere we are in the post-holiday pall. While the holidays are difficult for those who have experienced a loss of any kind, they are stressful to some degree for all of us. We eat too much, drink too much, spend too much and in many cases have “too much” family or possibly, too little. And while there a kind of relief to having the holidays behind us, the let-down presents its’ own challenges.

Even if your holidays were great-the results of those excesses now impact fully. There is the influx of bills, the shorter days, the extra pounds accumulated from the holiday goodies, the clean-up and putting away of holiday décor and the return to routine. In the Northeast, these changes are accompanied by inclement weather – the dropping temperatures, the snow and the ice. Plus, cold and flu season grips us.

Some folks anticipate this January “crash” and plan a trip to warmer climates. “Snow birds” say “so long” to their children and grandchildren and retreat in droves to warmers climates. College students plan for spring break and say “so long” to their parents.

For those not traveling or of snow bird status, January heralds the beginning of the … Read More... “Fighting Winter Despair”

Confirmation Bias Stirs Danger within Families

Why Confirmation Bias Can Damage Families And Finding Ways To Combat It

confirmation biasA friend of mine remarked that he gets his news from only one network because “they report things that support what I believe.”

Psychologists call this “confirmation bias,” the tendency to selectively pay attention to information that reinforces our existing beliefs. This bias acts as a type of filter to our brain, denying entry to any information that contradicts our existing preconceptions.

This confirmation bias can be particularly damaging within families, and it plays itself out in a variety of ways.

Scapegoated kids. Some youngsters take a path different than their siblings. In so doing, they experience the risk of being the victims of confirmation bias. This occurs most frequently with children, typically a second or third born, who do not achieve academically or socially as well as their siblings.

On many occasions, parents’ views of their “troubled” children don’t allow them to notice the many positive achievements of their youngsters. I’ve given homework assignments that required parents to record only positive behaviors exhibited by these kids.

When forced to confront their confirmation bias, parents are surprised that even troubled youngsters are often kind, well-behaved … Read More... “Confirmation Bias Stirs Danger within Families”

Raising Mentally and Emotionally Tough Kids

tough kidsIf you want your children to be successful, raise them to be emotionally and mentally tough.

Tough people don’t get upset easily. They are resilient in the face of adversity. They are great problem solvers, focusing on ways to deal with problems rather than complaining about things they can’t control.

These types of people don’t deny their emotions, but they don’t allow themselves to be victimized by their feelings. They get angry, depressed and anxious like the rest of us. However, their mental guidepost is a motto used by the Navy Seals. They are comfortable being uncomfortable.

They view unpleasant feelings or bad events as messages to be understood and acted upon. Their behaviors are deliberate, with an emphasis on what they can do differently rather than on what others should be doing.

Many kids that I see in my office complain about stressful events that are not problems to mentally and emotionally tough kids. The level of stress hasn’t increased with our kids over the years. Rather, more kids seem emotionally weak and unprepared to deal with life’s challenges.

Here’s how you can raise tough kids.

  1. Develop a tough mental mindset. This toughness starts with the way we think
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