Emotional Health Archives - Page 12 of 21

Here’s What Functioning Marriages Have in Common

marriages functioning I’m often asked if it’s difficult being a psychologist and listening to kids’ problems all day. I enjoy that part of the job, because it’s fun helping young people make positive changes.

It’s a lot tougher listening to parents discuss their troubled marriages. These are often narratives of lives of quiet desperation and unfulfilled dreams.

Here’s what great marriages have in common.

Communicate. Partners in great relationships freely talk about their hopes, feelings, fears and dreams. They are responsive to their spouse’s styles and adjust accordingly. When problems occur, they avoid either extreme of acting with emotional escalation or withdrawal. Great communication is based upon each partner creating a sense of safety that allows the other person to freely say what they think and feel. One of my favorite quotes is from the English novelist George Eliot. “Oh, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but to pour them all out… knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then, with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away.”
Build Trust. Great marriages are based upon each person being authentic. Partners

In the Season of Excess: Will you Splurge or Binge?

holiday binge splurge Today while running some errands, I saw mountainous displays of bags of candy so enormous that I would need assistance just getting them to the car! Aisles and aisles of transparent sacks filled with tempting giant size candy bars! Where are those little bit size morsels we used to consider a treat? Now there were Reese’s Peanut Butter Chocolate Cups the size of small pizzas! (Okay, maybe just the size of bagels…but still!) Of course, they are priced to encourage you purchase more than just one bag (buy two, get one FREE!).

Halloween is the gateway holiday to the season of excess – the sugar high of October 31 segues nicely into the Thanksgiving food feast (Can there ever be too many pies?). Then it is just a four week slide down the slippery slope to the Mother of all Excesses-Christmas. Unfortunately, Christmas seems to be increasingly associated with displays that reach far beyond even abundance; we eat too much, drink too much, spend too much, worry too much and party too much. We are so out of control with our obsession of acquisition that it is not unusual to turn on the news and watch with horror as some … Read More... “In the Season of Excess: Will you Splurge or Binge?”

Dads Should Work Harder on Forming Bonds with Their Children

Father’s Day Advice To Dads: Talk less and listen more To Your Children

dads children While parents worry about the impact of peers, technology or a crass culture, teens consistently report that their moms and dads exert the most important influence in their lives.

Moms trump dads when it comes to importance, with 47 percent of kids reporting that moms are their most influential relationships, compared to only 20 percent for dads. Why do kids feel that way?

Part of this may be due to the number of families headed up by moms, who are in charge of 75 percent of single-parent families. Kids just don’t have much access to their dads.

Even in two-parent families, children have little routine contact with their fathers. While this has changed dramatically in the past 50 years, research indicates that moms still spend twice as much time caring for kids as do dads.

The issue isn’t just the amount of time that dads spend with their children. Kids tell me they feel closer to their moms for the following reasons.

Moms are nicer. Kids generally describe their moms as more positive and less reactive. Kids generally feel they get in more trouble with

Breaking Bad Habits: If Your Resolutions Are Slipping Away

Research shows that most people have given up on their New Year’s Resolutions by the third week of January. Here are a couple of tips that might help you beat the odds and reach your goal.

Refocus – When the urge/craving comes on for that chocolate éclair, glass of wine, or fabulous new boots, refocusing your thoughts can go a long way in helping you slow down those urges. How does this work? Think of it as procrastination for a good cause. Most of us can find a gazillion other things to focus on instead of, say, cleaning the bathroom or doing our taxes. Refocus is simply shifting your thoughts to something else – read a book, work out, or even clean the bathroom or do your taxes early. By the time you are through with this new chore you will find your craving has passed.

Revalue – Instead of thinking about how good that cigarette will feel, think about it blackening your lungs. When you stop rationalizing about how you “ deserve this” and focus rather on how you “deserve” to be healthy, you can begin to replace old toxic habits with healthier ones. While the chocolate donut may … Read More... “Breaking Bad Habits: If Your Resolutions Are Slipping Away”

What to Do When Therapy Doesn’t Work

Sometimes psychotherapy just doesn’t help in spite of a cooperative child, supportive family and a competent professional. This is a very frustrating situation, not only for the family seeking help but also for the therapist. We’d all like to think that with persistence and professional competence, we have the skills to help any youngster with mental problems.

When a child’s problems don’t diminish, psychologists are ethically required not to continue doing something that doesn’t work. I typically change approaches to better engage the parent and child. If there continues to be no progress, here are the options I present to the family:

Change therapists. Sometimes there is just not a good connection between a youngster and their therapist. This may be due to issues of gender, style, age, or race. I can’t honestly say that I have liked every child or parent that I’ve ever worked with over the years, and sometimes those feelings may be evident during our sessions. This transition is usually difficult for kids, who may interpret a change in therapists as yet another rejection.
Involve your child in special activities. Some of the best therapists I’ve ever met have been Boy Scout leaders, sports coaches and

Divorce: Not a Do-It-Yourself Project

Tips On How To Move Ahead In Divorce

Help And Support From Professionals Key To Moving Forward In Divorce

divorce Frequently, people who are unhappy in their marriages wait until after the holiday season to move ahead with the dissolution of their marriage. If you are one of those folks who have made this decision, you know it is not easy to make that first move. Sometimes people struggle for years in unhappy relationships before they decide it is time to end the marriage.

How to move ahead? Find a good lawyer and therapist. They will be part of your team as you begin the arduous process of untangling your marriage. These professionals will help and support you through the process – making sure that when your divorce is final, you are as secure as you can be – both emotionally and legally.

No doubt about it – divorce is a major life changing decision. It is a stressful time – you, your spouse and your children will be impacted emotionally, financially, practically and legally.

So, it is surprising when so many couples decide to proceed with the legal uncoupling without legal counsel! Here are some reasons people choose to represent … Read More... “Divorce: Not a Do-It-Yourself Project”

New Year’s Eve: Single not Sad

Tips On How To Make New Year’s Eve A New Beginning After Divorce

SIngle At New Year’s Eve Brings More Options

new year's eve Publisher’s Note:

Congratulations! We have all made it through Christmas and now New Year’s Eve is just a few days away. I have been considering what to post this week that was timely and relevant.

I remembered the great piece we posted 3 years ago that Donna Ferber had written for her first book, From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce. I received a lot of compliments about it then. I reread it and loved it as much now as I did the first time. Her sage advice warrants a repost, so here it is.

Many of us actually prefer to stay home on New Year’s Eve or spend the night with friends rather than get all dressed up to trudge through snowy, icy weather, only to eat and drink too much! Yet, the fantasy of this night still seems to hold many captive. The notion of “being alone” on New Year’s Eve makes an otherwise strong, capable, independent adult feel like a gawky 13-year-old wallflower! How is it that one can be spending New … Read More... “New Year’s Eve: Single not Sad”

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